Dumpster Dive: Touch Tunes is B.S.

Look at what they did to my boy!

I’m a big fan of dive bars, and I’m a big fan of the right tunes to throw some back to.

Now unless it’s up at the great DG’s Bar near Elk Mountain, I’m not getting out as much as I used to. But I still have game when it comes to walking into a dead bar and hitting up the Touch Tunes to start the party.

After what I’m sure the bar staff at Castle Roxx would say was a rough start to my Touch Tunes career, I've been improving my game for over 15 years to build a perfect catalog of jukebox tracks.

It doesn’t matter the genre, but there are really only three main principles to stand by when selecting music:

1. Songs have to be up tempo and loud to wake everyones ass up to improve the vibes.

2. When in doubt, always go with Classic Rock but include B-sides once you’re brave enough.

3. Maximize dollar value by finding tracks that only cost 1 credit and have long play times.

Those are not in a particular order — I consider them all important. I will say that when it comes to having a great selection of go-to 1-credit absolute jams, I get real horned up about loading in those monsters and saving my hard-earned cash for drinks.

And to that point, I have become infuriated with Touch Tunes and a totally classless act perpetrated by them upon me specifically with malice of forethought.

I recently went into the lovely aforementioned DG’s, and sauntered over to the Touch Tunes to make my selections, of course, with my prime bangers in mind mixed in between whatever suited my fancy that day.

It is a concrete fact that the song, “Twilight Zone” by Golden Earring is the best jukebox song of all time. It falls squarely into all 3 categories above.

1. Up tempo, great beat.

2. Classic Rock, not a B-side but a better song than their main single, "Radar Love".

3. 1 Credit Song with an incredible 7:54 runtime that maximizes value.

Oh one slight change to the above:

3. It is now suddenly a 3 Credit Song!

WTF?

3 Credit Song?!?

I have never seen such bullshit in my entire life. I didn’t even realize any Touch Tunes could cost more than 2 credits unless you tried to skip a song!? WTF!!!

I did this. I did this by loving the song so much and relying on it for years, they just waited to shoot me right where it won’t grow back. What other explanation is there? My entire system has been turned upside down. I stood there staring in shock before I tried to explain what the hell happened to my friend Tom who was with me. His dead eyes stared through me and he shrugged it off. Possibly the worst person to attempt to have a shared trauma with.

I’ll never look at the flashing lights of a Touch Tunes jukebox the same again. How could I? I didn’t play "Twilight Zone" that day, and I never will again. I can’t.

RIP to the greatest jukebox track of all time. I loved you.