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It was not a pretty Week 2 for either of us. The Rams sent their whole team to the hospital and Malik Willis quarterbacked our only winning bet. Sports is great.
Oddball is our weekly NFL gambling competition where we each get $100 every week and try to outdo each other. The loser has to drive to the State Diner in Ithaca, NY and eat a bowl of chicken and rice soup alone. Let's take a look at how we did this week!
Recap: Matt's Picks
$120.86 wagered $77.86 lost -$57.00 for the season
Shield your eyes, kids! There is carnage everywhere! Boy, what a debacle Week 2 was. I lost almost all of my bets, everyone on my fantasy team is hurt, and no knockout pool is safe when every big favorite loses outright. And then, to make matters worse, the Giants became the first team in NFL history to score three touchdowns, allow zero touchdowns, and lose in regulation. Impressive stuff, Daboll!
And just real quick before we get into the picks, we got this email from "Deplorable Dan" in Brooklyn:
Cat teams are now 0-4 since Trump claimed Haitian migrants are eating them. The Lions, Bengals, Jags, and Panthers all lost this week. Next week, if you want do a moneyline parlay against the Cat teams it would be Raiders, Cardinals, Bills, and Commanders. +1539 on FanDuel right now.
Sit tight, Dan. Kirk will probably come up with something with even longer odds and then act surprised when it doesn't hit.
6-Point Teaser (-120)
Cowboys ML ❌
Rams +7.5 ❌
Uncle Jack would like to chime in about this bet:
Your officially not allowed to do teasers anymore. This was the worst pick I've ever seen and I've watched you're cousin Colin pick out his tie dye clothes every day for 30 years! You moved the lines by a dozen and somehow STILL lost this bet by a combined 48.5 points. I was JOKING last week when I said you needed to ask FanDuel to let you do 22-point teasers. Good thing they didn't let you though, since you still would have lost both legs of this one. Maybe you need to start to where eyeliner and read tarot cards like David Carr to change up your mojo. It seems to be working for him. I hate to say it, but those hipsters out in Los Angeles need to lay off the vagan diet and start eating some red meat for a change. Have you ever seen a softer group of bozos in your life? Actually, don't answer that. I read your Fast Food Gauntlet piece where everyone was crying and throwing up just because they had to eat a burrito. Boohoo! I'd consider myself lucky if Susie let me LOOK at half the calories as you jabronis. Instead, she made her steamed fish again for Sunday supper which turned out mushier than Tua Tagovailoa's brainstem. Speaking of Tua, I bet he plays again before Cooper Rush comes back at wide receiver for the Rams. Not only is he hurt all the time, but he has a compulsive hoarding issue that gets way worse when he doesn't have to go on road trips with the team. Matt Stratford should take a break from shooting par on the golf course and get that guy into rehab. Anyway, my Sunday was great as I got to watch that horrific cyberbully Jared Goof throw two awful picks and lose as a 7.5-point home favorite. That's what he gets for creating a fake LinkedIn profile for Tony from the plant's niece and giving her the role of Lead Diarrhea Researcher at Imodium Labs. Now she can't get hired anywhere and spends all of Tony's overtime pay on cosmetology school. I'd rather have that clown Will Pelvis throwing passes for me. His sidearm interceptions are less cringeworthy than Goof's Gmail account. And I'll tell ya what helped wash down Susie's questionable cod — watching American hero and true blue patriot T.J. Shroud thwart an assassination attempt in Florida, fly his own supersonic jet to Houston, and secure another victory on Sunday Night Football to remain undefeated. Now THAT is the heart of a champion. I'd like to see Jared Goof or your best friend Davy Jones try to pull that off. Maybe you should put those two morons in a teaser next week. PS: How do I log in to Yoohoo Fantasy Football? I wrote my password down on a Post-It note but you're cousin ran out of rolling papers and now I can't find it.
❌ Lost $60.00
49ers (-5.0)
Straight Up ATS (-110)
I think we are in a Bizarro World version of the 2024 NFL season. Baker Mayfield and Derek Carr are the highest-scoring fantasy quarterbacks of the year. And Sam Darnold is not far behind, currently outscoring C.J. Stroud, Patrick Mahomes, Joe Burrow, Trevor Lawrence, Dak Prescott, Aaron Rodgers, Justin Herbert, Matthew Stafford, and Jared Goff. What the hell is happening?
I guess I owe Sammy boy an apology. It certainly doesn't look like Minnesota is anywhere close to the worst team in the league (add that to the laundry list of things I got wrong). He doesn't seem to get very fazed by the blitz at all. Time after time he calmly stepped up and made great throws. Even without Addison for the entire game and Jefferson for part of it, he still succeeded. Is it time to pick up Jalen Nailor on your fantasy waiver wire? Maybe hold off on that, but Darnold might be a legitimate quarterback option in 12-team leagues.
The 49ers have now lost their last 8 games in Minnesota dating back to 1992. Someone keep Brock Purdy out of the Mall of America!
❌ Lost $22.00
Packers (+3.0)
Straight Up ATS (-115)
I'm pretty excited that I won this bet on Malik Willis. I'm less excited that I bet the Colts over for the season. Man, they can't stop the run even when every single person in the entire building knows that they are going to run. Indianapolis has now given up 474 rushing yards in two games. That's not good! Maybe Kirk and I should save our money next week and just put it all on D'Andre Swift's rushing prop when the Bears visit Indy. Bears fans trying to talk us out of jinxing their running back:
✅ Won $20.00
Broncos
Moneyline (+124)
Turns out that betting on Bo Nix against the best defense in the league was not a winning recipe. Watching the Steelers try to score points is like brushing your teeth with your left hand, but they are very impressive when it comes to shutting down the opposition. The Broncos made it slightly interesting at the end, but I did not agree with Sean Payton's decision-making at all. Trailing by 10, Denver had a 4th & 5 from the Pittsburgh 11-yard line with 1:56 left to play. Instead of going for it, Payton elected to kick a field goal. Already a bad idea. Long field goals are easier in the altitude at Mile High. So if he was NOT planning to do an onside kick, he should have tried for the touchdown first, making it a much easier task to tie the game on their next possession. But instead, they kicked a field goal to go down by 7. And then, instead of attempting an onside kick, they kicked off to the Steelers. Credit to the Denver defense, they were able to get the necessary 3-and-out and get the ball back. Unfortunately for Bo Nix, he had just 9 seconds left to go 81 yards. Considering Nix was averaging 7 yards per attempt to that point in the game, that seems like a tall order, no? He promptly threw a game-losing interception. Bad job, Sean Payton. I thought you were supposed to be good at this. Maybe you should have offered Bo Nix a bounty for injuring a Steeler with an errant pass. Look at this putz:
❌ Lost $15.86
Recap: Kirk's Picks
$100.00 wagered $100.00 lost -$200.00 for the season
You know starting the year off $200 in the hole is not ideal. But I've gained valuable perspective since just last week.
Everything costs a price. Pretty sure that is what Newton's Third Law is talking about.
If I have to risk losing my god damned shirt every week in order to watch and love football, then that's my price.
But also maybe I bet a fat, obscene, hefty big boy amount on the Chargers stomping the pathetic Panther's at -4.5 and I'm doing just fine.
The Harbutt's Bet (Round 2) (+750)
Chargers Alternate Spread -13.5 ✅ Ravens Alternate Spread -13.5 ❌
Ah my old friends, the two most overrated coaches that ever existed.
One of you did your jobs and smashed the ever loving shit out of the hapless Panthers.
Good job Jim, glad you won your Super Bowl this year.
And John.....John, John, John.....
Have I mentioned what a terrible coach you are? How you constantly don't have a plan? How you rely only on the raw talent of your players and no schemes? How in years and years of coaching you've done nothing of note besides beating your butt bro in the toilet bowl?
You really shit the bed for me this week. But you know, I'm not mad. I find solace in knowing that you blew this game not just for the spread. But you blew it for your whole team and you lost to the fucking Raiders!
HAHAHAHAHAA you absolute joke!
It's $10 well spent this week in order to shine a spotlight on your mediocrity.
To be clear I'm not mad, just really twisting the knife.
❌ Lost $10.00
The 1PM 4 Team Parlay (+1230)
Jets -3.5 ✅ Patriots +3.5 ✅ Rams +1.5 ❌ Steelers -2.5 ✅
Week 1 I lost every pick and part of a parlay.
Week 2 I'm making some progress. Not only did I hit 1/2 of my Harbutt bet but I went 3/4 on my parlay. No money or accolades for a miss but as my full of platitudes coworker Matt would say "I'm really starting to see the board you guys".
Here I was blinded by my love of the Rams. I didn't really account for any of the 100 injuries plaguing them, and that's on me.
I also have a disdain for Kyler Murray ever since it came out he needed a contract to specify how much he film he needed to watch versus how much Call of Duty he could play.
Long story short, my biases cost me a nice payday and chance to get back into this. I need to dissociate. The only solace here is that Matt also biffed his week.
Misery loves company you guys.
❌ Lost $10.00
The Kansas City Chiefs -5.5
Straight Up ATS (-110)
❌ Lost $80.00
Recap: Bonus Bet
$100.00 wagered $100.00 lost -$100.00 for the season
Josh Allen over 24.5 rushing yards ❌
Jaylen Waddle over 4.5 receptions ❌
James Cook over 18.5 receiving yards ❌
Parlay Odds +298
You're welcome for the Bonus Bet, America. It was nice watching James Cook haul in a 16 yard touchdown reception early in the game. But it was failure and misery from then on. But hey, just think of how fun it will be watching us try to dig out of this hole for (checks notes) 4 more fucking months. Holy shit. We might need a small business loan.
❌ Lost $100
Reminder to send your comments, questions, and general mockery to hello@illandodd.com and we'll respond if we feel like it!
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