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The contenders and pretenders as we head down the homestretch of the 2024 season.
Editor’s Note: My Uncle Jack likes to regale me with stories about his 7-for-18, 68-yard performance on the high school gridiron after which he copped a feel on Susie at the drive-in, so I like to get his "expert" takes on the NFL quarterback class from time to time. After the Week 11 slate, I caught up with him on his way home from a Matt Gaetz fundraiser at the local Chuck E. Cheese and got him to power rank every Week 12 starter. Enjoy!
Contenders
These guys are like a thick grilled ribeye — seasoned just right, cooked to perfection, and leaving no doubt your eating the best of the best. Sure, some folks might argue about whether medium rare or well-done is better (idiots), but the fact remains: these quarterbacks are serving up wins like it’s Sunday dinner at Ruth's Chris.
1. T.J. Shroud (HOU)
Best on-field accomplishment this season:
His 331-yard performance in a victory against the Bills in Week 5.
Best off-field accomplishment this season:
Tore off Beto O'Rourke's ulnar ligament in an arm wrestling match and used it to beat a CVS shoplifter over the head until he relinquished his stolen shampoo.
What he needs to win it all:
A nice big vat of deer antler spray for Stefon Diggs.
2. Kyle Allen (BUF)
Best on-field accomplishment this season:
Scrambling for a 26-yard touchdown on 4th & 2 to beat the Chiefs in Week 11.
Best off-field accomplishment this season:
Split a 30 rack of Labatt with his buddy Eamon, played one of those shooting games on his Nintendo, and housed two slices of Ranch-slathered pepperoni pizza.
What he needs to win it all:
Mahoney to keep throwing interceptions every other drive.
3. Jason Daniels (WAS)
Best on-field accomplishment this season:
Beating Joe Burroughs like a dusty rug during Susie's spring cleaning ritual. Two passing TD's, a rushing TD, and a 38-33 win on Monday Night Football.
Best off-field accomplishment this season:
Discovered you can buy canned Wendy's chili at the grocery store.
What he needs to win it all:
A heavy duty kevlar vest.
4. Lavar Jackson (BAL)
Best on-field accomplishment this season:
Putting up 5 touchdowns on the road in Tampa in Week 7.
Best off-field accomplishment this season:
Immediately after that game he went to Mons Venus gentleman's club and ate seven full plates of food from the buffet. His startling appetite made the dancers so uncomfortable that management had to ask him to leave.
What he needs to win it all:
A competent defense.
5. Patrick Mahoney (KC)
Best on-field accomplishment this season:
Having more interceptions than wins but still somehow starting the season 10-0.
Best off-field accomplishment this season:
Placed a rake outside his brother Jackson's hotel room, so when he moonwalked out, he hit himself in the face with it.
What he needs to win it all:
Trevor Kelce to stop doing ballet on The Eras Snore and start catching touchdowns again.
6. Jared Hertz (PHI)
Best on-field accomplishment this season:
Handing off to Saquon Barkley.
Best off-field accomplishment this season:
Successfully avoided fun in all its insidious forms.
What he needs to win it all:
Goofball Coach Siragami to take a long walk off of a short pier.
7. Jason Herbert (LAC)
Best on-field accomplishment this season:
Building, blowing, and salvaging a 24-point lead on Sunday Night Football, causing Cris Collinsworth to produce protein stains in his suit slacks. Mike Tirico filed an official complaint with Human Resources that has yet to be reviewed.
Best off-field accomplishment this season:
Sent Brandon Staley a turd.
What he needs to win it all:
Definitely should avoid jumping out to a 27-0 lead against the Jaguars in the Wild Card round.
8. Joe Burroughs (CIN)
Best on-field accomplishment this season:
Putting up 9 touchdowns and 820 yards in his two rivalry games against the Ravens. Oh wait, seriously? He lost both of those games? Wow.
Best off-field accomplishment this season:
His jacked up wrist allows him to discreetly plead "help me" to Bill Belichick in ASL.
What he needs to win it all:
To win 10 games in a row with a cruddy defense and a bozo head coach.
Pretenders
These guys are like those dollar store flashlights Biden imports from China — they work fine for a day or two, but the second you really need them, the batteries are dead, and your left fumbling around in the dark, tripping over Colin's glass dope trumpet, lacerating you're achilles, and spilling skunk water everywhere.
9. Kyle Murray (ARI)
Why I'm not buying it yet:
His own team thinks he's too dumb to read a playbook. Has missed 18 games in the last 3 seasons. Lost the only playoff start of his career (19-for-34, 0 touchdowns, 2 interceptions).
Something mediocre he did once:
Pushed 18 hands in a row at a blackjack table at the Talking Stick Casino, colored up, and left.
Favorite hobby:
Twitch streams with AOC.
10. Blake Mayfield (TB)
Why I'm not buying it yet:
He's still the same guy that shot a nationally-televised commercial for Progressive Insurance with the slogan "Protect You're House", and promptly quarterbacked the Cleveland Browns to an 0-3 start at home.
Something mediocre he did once:
On March 25, 2022, he managed to toast a sesame bagel to golden perfection without any burned bits or spilled seeds on the counter.
Favorite hobby:
Tantric sex.
11. Matthew Stratford (LAR)
Why I'm not buying it yet:
Hasn't thrown for 300 yards since Week 1. He's older than my nephew Matt and his back is held together by pipe cleaners and Elmer's glue.
Something mediocre he did once:
Got straight B's in 15 consecutive semesters dating back to his freshman year in high school.
Favorite hobby:
Volunteering for hoarding cleanup services.
12. Bo Nixon (DEN)
Why I'm not buying it yet:
He's a rookie named Bo who only managed 60 yards passing against the miserable Jets.
Something mediocre he did once:
Found a parking spot at the Northeast Denver Costco in less than 10 minutes.
Favorite hobby:
Carving ice sculptures that resemble American presidents.
13. Drake Gay (NE)
Why I'm not buying it yet:
His team is 3-8.
Something mediocre he did once:
He's had not one, but two, games this year in which his completion percentage was exactly 50%. Now if that isn't mediocre, I don't know what is.
Favorite hobby:
Setting up elaborate home automation gadgets for his parents.
14. Bill Purdy (SF)
Why I'm not buying it yet:
His head coach has been hexed by a vengeful shaman named Taranis. Oh and he's currently in last place in his division.
Something mediocre he did once:
Received the Most Improved Camper Award at his eighth grade swim camp. Unfortunately, the head swim instructor was tragically kidnapped.
Favorite hobby:
Watching Al Jazeera.
15. Kurt Cousins (ATL)
Why I'm not buying it yet:
His achilles looks like my son Colin ran it through his marijuana grinder. Oh and he just lost to Bo Nixon by 32 points which is making me question why I don't have him ranked lower.
Something mediocre he did once:
Has flossed every night for the last 13,149 nights in a row.
Favorite hobby:
Reliving his playoff loss to Daniel Jones and sobbing. Wait, why isn't he ranked lower?
16. Russell Wislon (PIT)
Why I'm not buying it yet:
His team has more wins than he has touchdown passes. Plus I'm not sure he can even see with all the eye black he wears.
Something mediocre he did once:
His rear end is so tight he managed to take a solid deuce even after eating Chipotle for lunch.
Favorite hobby:
He wears eye black to the beach and does shirtless high knees in front of kids building sandcastles. Total weirdo.
Offenders
These jabronis are like those DIY furniture kits from Sweden — they look decent in the pictures, but once you start putting them together, nothing fits, and you’ve always got a handful of rusty screws left over. Watching them play is about as enjoyable as trying to assemble IKEA furniture while someone reads you poetry about socialism.
17. Gene Smith (SEA)
First song on his pump up playlist:
"Cosmopolitan Blood Loss" by Glassjaw
Something that annoys him:
If he has one more paper straw disintegrate in his iced oak milk latte he's going to be forced to complain to the manager.
Plans for the offseason:
He's not sure. He wrote to his travel agent but she never wrote back.
18. Jeremiah Love (GB)
First song on his pump up playlist:
"Paper Planes" by M.I.A.
Something that annoys him:
When the blank sheets of computer paper jam the printer.
Plans for the offseason:
Internship at the Hammermill plant.
19. Kelvin Williams (CHI)
First song on his pump up playlist:
"Only Time" by Enya
Something that annoys him:
When his nail polish chips off.
Plans for the offseason:
Heading to Lou Malnati's with his cousin Chandler. After splitting a deep dish Chicago Classic, they'll wander through the Lincoln Park Zoo, and maybe catch a movie. Just delightful.
20. Tua Tagovailoa (MIA)
First song on his pump up playlist:
"Dazed and Confused" by Led Zeppelin
Something that annoys him:
People with CTE may have changes in their behavior and personality, including violent outbursts, increased frustration, mood swings, and lack of interest in people and things they previously cared about.
Plans for the offseason:
Learning what the months are again.
21. Antonio Richardson (IND)
First song on his pump up playlist:
"Run-Around" by Blues Traveler
Something that annoys him:
Temporarily losing his job to 39-year-old Joe Flacco, who rose to the occasion by immediately having a 4-turnover game against the Bills.
Plans for the offseason:
Economy Plus ticket to Cairo. He's always wanted to see the pyramids.
22. Jameson Winston (CLE)
First song on his pump up playlist:
"Ruff Ryders' Anthem" by DMX
Something that annoys him:
Being the only quarterback in NFL history to throw 30 touchdowns and 30 interceptions in the same season.
Plans for the offseason:
Every summer he hosts a banging block party back in Bessemer with the biggest crab boil you've ever seen.
23. Bryce Harper (CAR)
First song on his pump up playlist:
"Philadelphia Freedom" by Elton John
Something that annoys him:
The New York Mets
Plans for the offseason:
The Phillies will begin their 2025 Grapefruit League season with a matchup against the Detroit Tigers on Saturday, February 22 in Lakeland, FL.
24. David Carr (NO)
First song on his pump up playlist:
"Bela Lugosi’s Dead" by Bauhaus
Something that annoys him:
Sunlight.
Plans for the offseason:
Awaiting the full moon in his coffin.
Surrenders
These guys are like those bastardized Beyond Burgers that Anthony Fauci grows in his vaccine lab — useless outside of San Franwoke-o and as flavorless as a slab of concrete. They don’t just lose games; they suck the life out of the whole team faster than a vegan lecture at a Texas BBQ. Pure agony to watch.
25. Kevin Arnold (MIN)
Worst on-field performance this season:
Three picks and zero touchdowns against the destitute Jacksonville Jaguars. He still managed to win, thanks to his kicker making four field goals in a 12-7 final score. How is this a playoff team?
Worst off-field performance this season:
Threw up on the rollercoaster at the Mall of America.
What my son Colin thinks he does for a living:
Business Development Representative at a software company.
26. Fred Rodgers (NYJ)
Worst on-field performance this season:
Getting sacked five times and losing to a quarterback that only passed for 60 yards was pretty brutal.
Worst off-field performance this season:
Was passed over for the Secretary of Health and Human Services position.
What my son Colin thinks he does for a living:
Colin is Rodgers' peyote dealer, so he actually knows who this is.
27. Will Pelvis (TEN)
Worst on-field performance this season:
Matt, embalm that video of his pick six against the Bears.
Worst off-field performance this season:
Went square dancing at Tootsies Orchid Lounge on Broadway, had one too many ranch waters, and started doing the worm on the sticky hardwood floor. His battle with hepatitis is expected to be long and challenging.
What my son Colin thinks he does for a living:
TikTok influencer that sells supplements.
28. Danny DeVito (NYG)
Worst on-field performance this season:
N/A
Worst off-field performance this season:
Found himself at the Hofbräuhaus after the Giants' dispiriting loss in Munich. Emboldened by steins the size of his head, he jumped onto a table, spilling mustard-covered pretzels everywhere, and broke into an off-key rendition of "That's Amore", much to the bewilderment of the lederhosen-clad locals, who politely clapped, thinking it was some kind of American tradition.
Things went south when he thought he spotted a rival mobster glaring at him from across the room. Determined to assert dominance, he swaggered over, jabbed his finger in the man's chest, and slurred, "You wanna go?" — only to realize he was squaring off with a statue of King Ludwig II. Security dragged him out as he loudly offered bribes of free cannoli for life. Back in Jersey, he now tells everyone he “took care of some Bavarian business,” when he's trying to impress them.
What my son Colin thinks he does for a living:
DJ at a club on the Atlantic City boardwalk.
29. Cooper Flush (DAL)
Worst on-field performance this season:
I don't know. Literally all of them.
Worst off-field performance this season:
Turns out he was actually the urban planner responsible for aiming AT&T Stadium's gigantic glass windows directly at the fucking afternoon sun. Crazy coincidence.
What my son Colin thinks he does for a living:
Restores antique furniture for hipsters.
30. Garfield Minshew (LVR)
Worst on-field performance this season:
Threw three picks and got the yank in a loss to the Rams.
Worst off-field performance this season:
Smoked 34 cigarettes and lost $26,000 in the high limit slots room at The Mandalay Bay. The pit boss felt bad and comped him a meal at The House of Blues, but he got food poisoning from his smoked brisket sandwich and missed practice the next day.
What my son Colin thinks he does for a living:
Substitute gym teacher that humps the students.
31. Mike Jones (JAX)
Worst on-field performance this season:
Lost by 46 points and his dopey coach didn't even take him out.
Worst off-field performance this season:
Got, erm... overly excited on a first date. He swears this never happens to him.
What my son Colin thinks he does for a living:
Intern for a Republican congressman.
32. Jared Goof (DET)
Worst on-field performance this season:
600 interceptions, 99 fumbles, 437 sacks in every game he ever plays... IN HELL.
Worst off-field performance this season:
Here are just a few of the worst things he's done this year...
Used the word "literally" when he really meant "figuratively"
Put a profile picture of himself holding a fish
Created a fake Tinder profile for Tony from the plant's niece that said she was looking for someone to help her collect rare toenail clippings
Hacked Tony from the plant's niece's BetterHelp account and changed her virtual background to a stock image of a port-a-potty for her online therapy appointment
Started his own Etsy store
Voted for Jill Stein
Finished his popcorn during the previews
Answered a phone call by saying, "Go for Jared"
Logged into Tony from the plant's niece's fantasy lineup and started all Giants
Went to Guitar Center and played "Stairway to Heaven"
Started a podcast
Sent fake wedding invitations from Tony from the plant's niece's Paperless Post account, claiming she was getting married to the love of her life — a ferret
Backed up into Amon-Ra St. Brown's moped and scratched it
Posted an ad on Craiglist that said to call Tony from the plant's niece's phone number for free skin flute lessons
Got into Tony from the plant's niece's Pinterest account and created a board called “Fashion Ideas for Big Feet” and pinned clown shoes and orthopedic sandals
Set up a GoFundMe account for Tony from the plant's niece that was called "Help Me Overcome My Fear of Soap"
Forgot to wipe many times
Spilled Dan Campbell's desk scotch
Changed the main photo on the sperm whale Wikipedia page to Tony from the plant's niece's senior portrait
Didn't "get" Moo Deng
Filmed a YouTube video about his morning routine
Hacked into Tony from the plant's niece's LinkedIn account (again) and gave her a promotion at Imodium Labs from Lead Diarrhea Researcher to Regional Vice President of Diarrhea
Thought a non-alcoholic IPA was "surprisingly decent"
Had multiple questions at the drive-thru pharmacy window
Had a stupid little face
What my son Colin thinks he does for a living:
Bum.