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The contenders and pretenders according to our resident quarterback expert.
Editor’s Note: I caught up with my Uncle Jack on his way home from a falconing trip in an alley behind Peter Luger's steakhouse and asked him to rank the NFL starting quarterbacks heading into the 2024 season. Here are his unfiltered opinions on the NFC's signal callers. Stay tuned for the AFC next week.
The Contenders
These guys are like a rare ribeye with all the trimmings. The only problem is that the NFC is like a bowl of curdled creamed spinach that Tony from the plant farted in.
1. Jared Hertz (PHI)
Three things I like about him:
The tush push gets my wife Susie excited
Squatted 600 pounds with no Imodium
He never has any fun, which is a commendable trait that I wish more young people would start adopting
What he needs to win it all:
His coach to stop crying.
Favorite memory from last season:
Week 12's overtime win against the Bills. He passed for three touchdowns, ran for two more, and made me eat a whole bottle of baby aspirin since I had taken the Eagles in my knockout pool. Hopefully he remembers that game fondly, because the only team he's beaten since then were the Danny DeVito-led Giants. Man, the NFC sucks.
Things he hopes we forget:
Going 1-5 down the stretch and breaking his finger while attempting to shove it up Nick Siragami's rear end, then losing to Blake Mayfield in the first round of the playoffs. His fumble-six in Super Bowl LVII was the most embarrassing thing to happen in Glendale since Matt ordered a boulevardier at the Talking Stick casino.
2. Jeremiah Love (GB)
Three things I like about him:
He's older than you think, just like me
He ruined that awful cyberbully Jared Goof's Thanksgiving last year
He plays a mean baritone sax in the locker room
What he needs to win it all:
A defense that doesn't leak like Biden's border policy.
Favorite memory from last season:
Beating the absolute stuffing out of the Cowgirls in the playoffs.
Things he hopes we forget:
I called him a blank sheet of computer paper after last year's Week 5 loss to the rudderless Raiders where he coughed up 3 interceptions in a 16-for-30 passing performance for the ages. He also lost to Danny DeVito in primetime and still got a $220 million contract. Wait, why is this guy so high on the list? Man, the NFC sucks.
3. Matthew Stratford (LAR)
Three things I like about him:
He shoots par on every hole on the golf course
Got straight B's in high school and college
Ran that bastard cyber bully Jared Goof out of California
What he needs to win it all:
Get star wide receiver Cooper Rush into rehab for his compulsive hoarding.
Favorite memory from last season:
Does covering the spread against the Lions in the Wild Card round count? That was pretty good for ol' Uncle Jackie's wallet. If not, then I guess going 6-1 down the stretch with his only loss coming in OT against the Ravens (on a kick return) was pretty cool. So was going wind surfing with Puka Nacua and Sean McKay's wife during the bye week.
Things he hopes we forget:
His entire stint with the Lions (but lucky for him, it's easy to do).
4. Kyle Murray (ARI)
Three things I like about him:
He's the only person I know who plays more video games than my son Colin
Runs fast
Picked Joe Arpaio up from prison after Trump pardoned him
What he needs to win it all:
Marvin Harrison Jr. to do lots of steroids.
Favorite memory from last season:
Took a giant deuce on everyone's knockout pool by beating the Eagles in Week 16 as 12-point underdog. And for some reason I have the QB that lost to him ranked higher on this list. Man, the NFC sucks.
Things he hopes we forget:
His own team thinks he's too dumb to read a playbook. Has missed 18 games in the last 3 seasons. Lost the only playoff start of his career (19-for-34, 0 touchdowns, 2 interceptions).
Pretenders
These guys are like my morning cup of coffee and blueberry scone from Panera Bread. They won't knock you're socks off, but they can move an offense (or in Panera's case, move my bowels).
5. Blake Mayfield (TB)
Something cool he did once:
Bought $350 worth of male enhancement supplements at a gas station in Berea, OH, after Browns practice in October 2019. How do I know? Tony from the plant's godson was the cashier.
Something dumb he did once:
Took too many male enhancement pills, shot a nationally-televised commercial for Progressive Insurance with the slogan "Protect You're House", and promptly quarterbacked the Cleveland Browns to an 0-3 start at home.
What he needs to take the next step:
Not sure, is Mike Evans still around?
6. Bill Purdy (SF)
Something cool he did once:
Took a nasty poop in Trae Lance’s suitcase (also no Imodium!)
Something dumb he did once:
Drank way too much eggnog and stunk it up on national television on Christmas Day, outright losing his MVP bid to Lavar by throwing 4 interceptions to the Ravens in a 33-19 beatdown on his home turf.
What he needs to take the next step:
Hope Brayden Aiyuk's pet ladybug likes homeless people and open concept offices enough to convince him to stay in San Francisco.
7. Jason Daniels (WAS)
Something cool he did once:
Developed an intimate friendship with Mike the Tiger at LSU. Astounding his fellow students, Daniels opted to sleep in Mike's tiger cage instead of the dorms.
Something dumb he did once:
Left some beef jerky in his pajama pants.
What he needs to take the next step:
A bottle of T.J. Shroud's mojo and, if we're being honest, probably to play for a team with stadium plumbing that doesn't leak like Biden's border policy.
8. Kurt Cousins (ATL)
Something cool he did once:
Made ol' Uncle Jackie a lot of money doing this: (Matt, how do I make a video show up here? Can you embalm a clip of the Minnesota Miracle here?? And if you put something stupid about Tom Walz I'll shove a boot up you're rear!!)
Something dumb he did once:
Lost to Davy Jones in a home playoff game. Your not a serious person if you do that.
What he needs to take the next step:
An achilles that doesn't look like my son Colin ran it through his marijuana grinder.
Offenders
These guys would probably invite you over to they're house for a barbecue and only have Beyond Burgers on the grill. They'll insist they taste the same as you string them up by they're ankles from they're cobweb-covered swing set.
9. David Carr (NO)
Favorite off-day activity:
Listening to his collection of Bauhaus vinyl records or exploring a local cemetery.
Favorite food:
Borscht.
Why he isn't higher on the list:
Because Matt posted this stupid joke on Threads and people actually liked it. Matt isn't even funny, but people think David Carr is so bad that they laughed at this anyway. Sad.
What my wife Susie thinks he does for a living:
Mortician at Fisher & Sons funeral home.
10. Gene Smith (SEA)
Favorite off-day activity:
Admiring his stamp collection.
Favorite food:
Auntie Anne's pretzel dog.
Why he isn't higher on the list:
Since infamously saying, "They wrote me off, I ain't wrote back though", he's gone 16-15. No wonder no one is writing him any letters.
What my wife Susie thinks he does for a living:
UX designer for a pet food delivery app.
11. Kelvin Williams (CHI)
Favorite off-day activity:
Getting a manicure with Karmela Harris.
Favorite food:
Soft cheese.
Why he isn't higher on the list:
He's cried on TV more times than Nick Siragami and hasn't taken a snap that counts yet.
What my wife Susie thinks he does for a living:
Works the ShopRite seafood counter.
12. Dak Preston (DAL)
Favorite off-day activity:
Playing parcheesi in the game room at Jerry Jones' assisted living facility.
Favorite food:
Meatloaf Mondays in the dining hall at Jerry Jones' assisted living facility.
Why he isn't higher on the list:
He's 2-5 in the playoffs.
What my wife Susie thinks he does for a living:
Orderly in the memory care wing at Jerry Jones' assisted living facility.
Surrenders
These guys gave up coffee and started drinking tea.
13. Davy Jones (NYG)
Three things I hate about him:
Matt wants him to be good
Used to kiss Mike Krzyzlwadafzzklxvdski on the lips after practice at Duke
His nickname makes me nostalgic for when a dime was actually worth something (thanks Biden)
What he reminds me of:
A bad AI deep fake of Eli Manning.
Worst thing he did last season:
Got sacked 7 times, threw 2 picks, and scored ZERO points in a 40-0 loss AT HOME to the Cowgirls on Matt's birthday. Lololol.
14. Bryce Harper (CAR)
Three things I hate about him:
Long stupid hair
Multi-sport athlete
Pals around with the Phillie Phanatic who condones open air drug markets in Kensington
What he reminds me of:
Wait, am I thinking of the right guy here?
Worst thing he did last season:
Wasn't named T.J. Shroud.
15. Sam Arnold (MIN)
Three things I hate about him:
Was obnoxious on The Wonder Years
Was obnoxious on the Jets
Looks dumb in purple
What he reminds me of:
To not bet on the Vikings this year.
Worst thing he did last season:
Waited until Week 18 to make his only start of the year and lost. Great job, moron.
16. Jared Goof (DET)
Twenty-five things I hate about him:
Stretched out his scrotum, took pictures of it, and emailed them to my friend Tony from the plant's niece and said "check out my batwing"
Cyber bullied my friend Tony from the plant's niece so bad that she had to drop out of Cal and go to cosmetology school
Made it so Tony from the plant's niece cries every time she has to give a manicure to someone with small hands
Traumatized Tony from the plant's niece so bad that she'll only get on the internet to log into her Better Help account, but deleted all the other apps and photos and stuff
Enthusiastically buys the utilities in Monopoly
His stupid little face
Doesn't pay attention in line for the TSA and won't move up until you have to clear you're throat passive aggressively
Loves the Lumineers
Brings his fucking dog to CVS
Stinks at playing in the rain because his tiny little hands can't grip the ball
Photoshopped a picture of Tony from the plant's niece's head onto an orangutan's body and emailed it to everyone with an @berkeley.edu email address
Not a good bass player
Hacked into Tony from the plant's niece's professor's email account, sent her an email that said "click here for you're homework assignment" but it was actually a link to that "2 Girls 1 Cup" video instead of homework
Farts constantly
Asks people if they are working hard or hardly working
Put up a fake ad on Craigslist where he pretended to be a proctology student and offered $5 for photographs of people's rear ends to help with his studies but then he put Tony from the plant's niece's email address on it so she got thousands of pictures of strange rear ends in her university email box which was then flagged by the IT department for inappropriate conduct and she got in trouble
Eats a lot of deviled eggs and breaths on you
Asks at least three questions about the menu before ordering anything
Created a fake LinkedIn profile for Tony from the plant's niece and gave her the role of Lead Diarrhea Researcher at Imodium Labs
Subscribed Tony from the plant's niece to iHeart Radio's e-newsletter
Never stops telling you about the half marathon he's training for
Gives people sourdough starter as a gift
Made his AIM screen name GoffinAround69 and sent the message "ur ugly" to Tony from the plant's niece every 45 minutes for 6 months
Steals the tiny shampoo bottles from hotels and collects them
Was the original Nigerian Prince email scammer
What he reminds me of:
A big stinky idiot.
Worst thing he did last season:
Took a giant deuce in his pants in the second half of the NFC Championship game.
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