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The most pressing issues surrounding this year's big game.
We all have a lot on our minds heading into the Super Bowl — the coin toss, the snacks, the commercials, why they start the game an hour before toddler bedtime, why Monday isn't a National Holiday, what we're going to watch on our phone during the halftime show, and oh yeah... the football game between the Kansas City Chiefs and San Francisco 49ers.
On paper, the 49ers have the most complete roster we've seen in years. But they have an unproven quarterback who was selected dead last in the draft. Then you have the Chiefs. Virtually no skilled players to speak of, except for, you know, the best quarterback and tight end in the game. It's an intriguing matchup and one that leaves us with a lot of questions. Let's break them down.
1) Is there anything Patrick Mahomes can't do?
As an NFL quarterback, not really. He's been to the AFC Championship game in all six of his NFL seasons and is one win away from his 3rd Super Bowl ring at the ripe old age of 28. Christ, when I was 28 I was still dumping Hormel chili on top of Spongebob macaroni and cheese twice a week and calling it dinner (keep reading for recipes).
There are a few things he can't do on the football field, however. The most obvious is catching his own passes. As fun as it would be, he can't do this every play. Chiefs receivers have been dropping the ball, literally, all season. Mahomes can play a virtually perfect game, but if there are butterfingers in the wide receiver room in Vegas, it might be a long night for Chiefs fans.
And on a personal level, Mahomes sucks at not talking like Kenny Powers, having a normal looking haircut, and is an absolutely awful Monopoly player. The guy is obsessed with buying the utilities, even though Waterworks gets landed on like twice a game and nets an average of $16 per strike. What a dumb-dumb.
Other than that, he's in the GOAT convo for sure.
2) Is Taylor Swift's relationship with Travis Kelce a leftist psy-op orchestrated by the Biden campaign?
Yeah, they are also working with the Alex Jones tree-frogs that are turning your kids gay. She hid them in the Evermore cabin on the set of the Eras Tour and that's why there are suddenly so many politically-active snowflakes. It definitely has nothing to do with rolling back women's reproductive rights half a decade.
Go listen closely to the bridge of "Illicit Affairs" and you'll see that it's actually about her nefarious ballot box-stuffing scheme in the Philadelphia suburbs. Don't be surprised when, during the presentation of the Lombardi Trophy, "Anti-Hero" plays over the public address system and Kamala Harris starts doing the Macarena in the winning team's end zone.
In all seriousness, these mouth-breathing conspiracy theorists are completely underestimating Taylor Swift. She spent a decade of her life re-recording old songs out of spite. You think she isn't going to speak out about politics because people are mean to her on Elon Musk's troll app? They should be terrified of her. Just not for the reasons they think.
3) Is Brock Purdy actually any good?
I guess we'll find out. I don't really know. He looks pretty good most of the time. He usually makes the throws. He's actually looked pretty elusive at times too, taking off and running a lot more than I thought he was capable of during the two big come back wins he's had so far in the playoffs. But I just can't help but think about how thoroughly frustrated Lamar Jackson looked last week against that KC defense. I can't imagine Purdy does much better. Don't get me wrong. This guy is a great story. From last pick of the draft to starting quarterback in the Super Bowl during his first full season as a starter. All while making like $900K or some laughably small salary.
I see this playing out 1 of 2 ways:
Scenario 1: Purdy is completely a deer in the headlights. He melts under the Super Bowl spotlight and starts sailing passes into the first row like Tim Tebow's long lost twin. His confidence is completely wrecked and he uses his $900K to open up a Subway franchise in Chandler, Arizona, never to be seen again. Scenario 2: Shanahan has a really nice opening script for this one, works on it constantly over the next 10 days and Purdy comes out looking poised and comfortable. He meets the moment, does everything right, but leaves too much time on the clock. Mahomes rips his heart out at midfield and rubs it all over Jason Kelce's bare chest.
4) What's Kadarius Toney going to do during the game?
He's getting a foot massage at Canyon Ranch, having dinner at Guy Fieri's Kitchen at the Linq (Trashcan Nachos and Off Da Hook Ancho-Honey Glazed Salmon), and playing $5 hands of Caribbean Stud Poker at the Flamingo before walking up to Planet Hollywood to see Criss Angel Mindfreak.
Toney has been a budding illusionist ever since he convinced the Giants he might be a viable professional football player during the 2021 NFL Draft. It's only fitting that he would take in a magic show or two in order to more finely hone his craft.
5) Can anyone on the Ill & Odd staff name more than 2.5 Usher songs?
Not a chance.
6) What brands will have the best commercials?
Wetzel's Pretzels: Kadarius Toney walks out of a Spencer's Gifts with a bag full of blacklight posters. He smells that delicious aroma of hot, buttery pretzels and orders a couple for the walk back to his Ford Focus. He drives to the stadium, smearing grease all over his steering wheel as he jumps out of the car and runs onto the field. The camera lingers on the greasy wheel for a beat, before cutting to a perfectly thrown Mahomes spiral slipping out of his hands. Kohler Toilets: Anthropomorphic commodes are so relieved that Super Bowl Monday is the last time this season that hungover football fans will return to their office restrooms in droves, punishing their toilets with the remnants of a day spent crushing wings and chugging domestic pilsner. The toilets join hands and sing a gurgling rendition of "I Can See Clearly Now the Rain Has Gone".
City of Buffalo Tourism Board: Andy Reid plays Buffalo resident, former US President, and fellow walrus mustache-haver Grover Cleveland in which Cleveland's non-consecutive presidential terms are hilariously compared to Reid's non-consecutive Super Bowl wins. Will Kyle Shanahan make a cameo as Benjamin Harrison? Tune in to find out!
Flamin' Hot Cheetos: Emma Watson plays my second grade swim instructor who is tragically kidnapped. The perp happens to love Flamin' Hot Cheetos and the cadaver dog follows the fluorescent fingerprints and flatulence from the abduction site to the second location in order to make the rescue.
7) What are Andy Reid's favorite Super Bowl foods?
Let's be honest, Andy likes basically the whole spread. He's not really diving into the crudité unless there is a metric ton of onion dip involved. But other than that, he's attacking pretty much the entire buffet setup. His favorite thing to do is combine his Philadelphia roots with current Kansas City delicacies.
For example, during Super Bowl LVI he famously ate a two-foot pulled pork cheesesteak wit wiz, a burnt ends hoagie, and a cinnamon "pressil" stuffed with chili. He redefined fusion by fusing the plumbing of his house shut until St. Patrick's Day.
8) Shouldn't the Super Bowl just be in Las Vegas every year?
Definitely. And let's face it, the Raiders are never making it so it won't really be any kind of unfair advantage.
9) Who is an under-the-radar player from each team in a game with so much star power?
Marquez Valdes-Scantling for the Chiefs. I almost picked Rashee Rice since he seems like the only viable wide receiver for Kansas City. But I actually think MVS could be the X-factor here. He had the 3rd down catch in the AFC Title game to break the Ravens once and for all, and it was a really great grab. Look for him to be a complete ghost for 58 minutes but then make a huge play to seal the game late.
Kyle Juszczyk for the 49ers. Mostly because everybody else on their offense is a star, so they wouldn't qualify. But he'll be important because of his change-of-pace role for McCaffrey. Once the Chiefs start buying the run, don't be surprised to see Juszczyk sneak down field a few times, too. He did this well against the Lions picking up two big catches for 33 yards.
10) Will this rendition of a Chiefs vs. 49ers Super Bowl set off another global catastrophe?
Probably. The last time these two teams met in the Super Bowl was on February 2, 2020. Just 37 days later, President Trump gave an Oval Office address in primetime and the world entered Covid lockdown.
This year, we no longer have to worry about a Donald Trump presidency or Covid... oh wait. Shit.
Well at least there aren't any international conflicts to worry about that might boil over. Oh. Oh dang.
Well, hey, look on the bright side. The Paris Agreement finally solved climate change, so at least the environment is good. No? Fuck.
Umm... social media has given people a great way to communicate, exchange ideas, and come to scientific consensus free from the oppression of the billionaire class? Hold on, my phone is ringing. How did Elon get this number? I think I'm having a panic attack.
Here's my recipe for buffalo chicken mac and cheese so you can eat your feelings next Sunday:
Beer batter and coat a pound of chicken tenderloins in panko breadcrumbs. Pan fry in oil until cooked through and crispy. Toss in your favorite buffalo sauce.
Once cooled, cut the buffalo tenders you made into bite sized pieces.
Make 4 boxes of Kraft Spongebob macaroni and cheese. Do not substitute any other brands or shapes.
While the noodles are cooking, sauté about 3/4 of a cup of mirepoix until the onions are translucent.
When noodles are done cooking, stir in the milk, butter, sautéed mirepoix, cut up chicken, a few blue cheese crumbles, and a dash of buffalo sauce.
Mix it until it looks like a creamy orange mess.
Dump the whole thing in a casserole dish and top with a bit more panko and blue cheese crumbles.
Put in the oven at 350 until the breadcrumbs are crunchy and blue cheese melts, about 7 minutes.
Enjoy and then consult the Kohler commercial on what to do next.
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