2025 NFL Season Preview: NFC East

Jalen, Jayden, Jameis, Jaxson, and Jerry... oh my! Will the Eagles cruise back to Super Bowl glory or are there some upsets afoot?

Philadelphia Eagles

Highlight From Last Season

Hoisting the Lombardi Trophy after chopping up Kansas City’s defense like a thinly-shaved ribeye on a greased up griddle, covering it in cheese whiz, and scarfing it down faster than a PPA meter maid double-tapping the “print” button in Center City.

Lowlight From Last Season

They went 14-3 and won the Super Bowl. There weren’t too many lowlights. I enjoyed their brainfart against the corpse of Kirk Cousins on Monday Night Football. I definitely sent some snarky texts to Kirk and Tom after that one. Karma can be a soggy order of crab fries, can’t it? 

Biggest Offseason Storyline

Everyone is still talking about the epic rager Jalen Hurts threw after being named MVP of Super Bowl LIX. He brought out a brand-new 1000-piece jigsaw puzzle of the Liberty Bell and told everyone they couldn’t leave until it was done. They finished in just under five hours after AJ Brown found the final corner piece stuck to the bottom of Cooper DeJean’s teacup. 

QB Situation

Jalen Hurts, Tanner McKee, Dorian Thompson-Robinson, Kyle McCord

Better than average, but let’s cool it with the eyeblack. You’re approaching Russell Wilson territory. Here's hoping for a Kyle McCord sighting!

2025 Prediction | Over 11.5 wins

I hate this stupid team with the burning passion of a thousand Schuylkill traffic jams, but I can’t make a single rational case for them not being the NFC favorite again. They’re just too loaded with talent to screw this up. As long as they stay healthy and Nick Sirianni doesn’t get so emo during the National Anthem that he forgets he’s got a play sheet in his hand, they’ll cruise.

Washington Commanders

Highlight From Last Season

Going on the road to Detroit and beating the Lions by 14 points in the Divisional Round as a 10-point underdog is a pretty damn good start to the Jayden Daniels era. 

Lowlight From Last Season

I was going to say becoming the first team in NFL history to allow three touchdowns, score zero, and still win in regulation. Although, a win’s a win, so we probably can’t count that. I guess we’ll have to go with getting curbstomped by 32 points in the NFC Championship game.

Offseason Storyline

Terry McLaurin wants out, but thanks to Trump’s federal takeover of Washington, he’s basically under house arrest at FedEx Field. I can smell small hints of Taranis’s bad-juju potion drifting through the stadium — the very same brew Joe Burrow was wearing as “cologne” at Milan Fashion Week last offseason. Beware, Commanders fans… this stuff lingers longer than a Dan Snyder lawsuit.

QB Situation

Jayden Daniels, Marcus Mariota, Josh Johnson, Sam Hartman

2025 Prediction | Over 9.5 wins

One of the least confident over/under picks I’ll make this offseason. I have no idea what to expect from Jayden’s sophomore season, especially if his number one receiver is holding out. But after Mike and the Mad Dogging their schedule, I had them at 10 wins. Hopefully four of them come against the Eagles and Cowboys. 

New York Giants

Highlight From Last Season

When their quarterback became only the fifth player in NFL history to record over 300 passing yards, four or more passing touchdowns, a rushing touchdown, and a passer rating above 155 in a single game.

Lowlight From Last Season

The fact that their quarterback in that game was backup Drew Lock and that the win caused them to lose out on the number one pick in the draft. It also ruined my +958 Hail Mary moneyline parlay, earning me a trip to Ithaca that I may or may not ever make good on. 

Offseason Storyline

Jameis Winston drilling the crossbar and single-handedly ending Giants practice early might be the peak of training camp entertainment. Am I pumped that he spent the bonus free time at Bible study? Eh, not exactly. The real red flag is that the Giants probably needed those extra reps. Still, it’s obvious Jameis has already (predictably) won over the locker room. Now the only question is: how soon before Russell Wilson is doing high knees down the aisle on the first flight out of Newark?

QB Situation

Russell Wilson, Jameis Winston, Jaxson Dart, Tommy DeVito

Nightmare blunt rotation.

2025 Prediction | Under 5.5 wins

The pass rush will feast on a few wobbly offensive lines, Malik Nabers will pop up on TikTok with a couple of circus catches, and Cam Skattebo will roll around like a meatball across Brian Daboll’s plate. But that’s the appetizer. The main course is a schedule ranked the toughest in the NFL, featuring 10 teams fresh off the 2024 playoffs. Strap in, fellow Giants fans. It’s gonna be another long winter at the Meadowlands, and this team is gonna be colder than Tom Coughlin’s frostbitten face.

Dallas Cowboys

Highlight From Last Season

Probably Week 1’s beatdown of the Cleveland Browns. It was pretty much all downhill from there.

Lowlight From Last Season

Week 6 brought the worst home loss in Jerry World history—a 47–9 drubbing courtesy of the Detroit Lions. CeeDee Lamb said he couldn’t see the ball because the afternoon sun was blasting through the stadium windows, while Jerry Jones insisted “knowing where the sun is” is a home-field advantage, as if he personally discovered astronomy. Then Week 9 rolled around, Dak Prescott’s season ended with a hamstring injury, and so did my interest in watching the Cowboys for the rest of the year.

Offseason Storyline

Oh, has this team been in the news? Only every time Jerry Jones finds a microphone. He’s gone from sparring with the sun to publicly negging his best defensive player, Micah Parsons. When he’s not bungling contract talks or refusing to buy a $40 curtain rod, he’s breaking out awkward draft-day dance moves in the war room that make you wish for a camera blackout. And speaking of danger, CeeDee Lamb proved in the first preseason game that it’s not even safe on the sidelines—getting absolutely steamrolled by a referee and flagged for his trouble. I sincerely hope this team stinks like a forgotten Texas brisket in our friend Phil’s oven.

QB Situation

Dak Prescott, Joe Milton, Will Grier

Dak Prescott is back — a solid “B+” quarterback when he’s healthy. Am I worried that he tore his hamstring clean off the bone just nine months ago? Not at all. But that’s probably because I’m not a Cowboys fan clinging to the hope that surgical sutures can win the NFC East.

2025 Prediction | Under 7.5 wins

The Cowboys’ backfield is a fantasy football wasteland. Their new head coach has the charisma and decision-making of a cafeteria pudding cup. Their two most talented wideouts have “future TMZ headline” written all over them. Their quarterback’s hamstring was dangling like a half-eaten drumstick last Thanksgiving. Their owner is busy Googling Copernicus while watching Fox and Friends. And their best defensive player openly hates being there. If they sniff the playoffs, it’ll be because someone left the door open by accident.