Oddball: Week 16 Recap & Week 17 Bets

Kirk and Matt get $100 each per week and go head-to-head to see who can light the most money on fire betting the NFL this season.

Does FanDuel have gift cards? If so, we know what we'll be wishing for in our stockings this year. There are only a couple of weeks left in the regular season, which means it looks like Matt is going to be losing some weight in the New Year, courtesy of the TB12 diet. Unless, of course, he can come up with a Christmas miracle.

Uncle Jack’s Week 16 Recap

$100.00 available to bet this week -$100.00 last week -$516.76 for the season

I did my best impression of my degenerate nephew this week. I made 8 picks, won 6 of them, and made no money. I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree or however that saying goes. Speaking of, I'm gonna go drink an Angry Orchard and sit by the fire.

"GIVE ME A GOD DAMN BREAK" 5-TEAM, 6-POINT TEASER (+333)

Rams +7.5 ✅ Giants +8.5 ✅ Cardinals +8.5 ✅ Patriots +8.5 ✅ Jets +10.5 ❌

Rams — The end of this game made my eyes roll farther back in my head than when Colin talks to me about climate activism. I'm not sure what I watched, but this pick was still a winner (unlike solar energy).

Giants — Jaxson Fart is not as worried as he should be about his team sitting in pole position to draft his replacement. He managed just 33 yards in this football equivalent of Biden's debate performance. I'm not sure how we covered this one.

Cardinals — Somehow Jabroni Brisket jumped out to a 10-0 lead and still almost blew the 8.5-point adjusted line. Arizona might be more creaky and injured than my friend Tony from the plant who's been on disability for most of the 2020's.

Patriots — I might have made a mistake when I said T.J. Shroud was going to save America from the communists and win World War III. It might actually be Drake Gray leading us into battle. Watch this space for updates.

Jets — Of course the god damn Jets ruined my teaser. I told my nephew long ago that the cardinal rule since the dawn of time is NEVER put the New York Jets in a teaser or a parlay unless your one of those weirdos who likes to be whipped and spanked. Hold on a sec, where's Susie?

❌ Lost $50.00

HEROES & ZEROES 3-LEG PARLAY (+612)

Bears +1.5 ✅ Steelers +6.5 ✅ Texans -14.5 ❌

Bears — This game got me more jacked up than watching those new Homeland Security videos in the TSA security line. Susie almost had a heart attack after Clancy Williams hit the walk off touchdown pass in overtime. I started jumping around the room and took my shirt off, just like I did at Laguardia the first time I saw Kristi Gnome.

Steelers — Aaron Rodgers is my hero. The only shots he takes are downfield to D.K. Radcliffe. Who, by the way, did the right thing when he smacked that wannabe Smurf upside his dopey blue head. That's what you get for wearing a clown wig. Instead of crying, get a haircut and stop rooting for a team quarterbacked by a cyber bully.

Texans — Customs and Border Patrol received an anonymous tip this morning that T.J. Shroud might have been kidnapped and replaced by an illegal alien. I heard it on my radio programs. It makes sense, because that's the only reason I can think of for the Texans barely being able to beat the obviously tanking Raiders.

❌ Lost $50.00

Kirk's Week 16 Recap

$100.00 available to bet this week -$100.00 last week +$346.68 for the season

The coal that is.

I Made This Parlay Driving Into Work Before I Hit The Ben Franklin As I Don't Want To Have Fanduel Bets In Jersey (+589)

Jags @ Ponies Over 46.5, Packers @ Bears Over 46.5, Bucs @ Panthers Over 45.5

1 for 3. I've branded myself the 3-way king and have since immediately lost more and more legs of the parlays. There's a lesson here.

❌ Lost $100.00

Bonus Bet Week 16 Recap

$100.00 available to bet this week -$100.00 last week -$1129.86 for the season

Note: Not part of the weekly totals. This is a brotherhood bet, a ritual sacrifice to Taranis so he doesn't smite us both.

Just missed. Lol.

Same Game Parlay (+369)

• Matthew Stafford 200+ passing yards ✅

• Byron Young 1+ sacks ❌

• Colby Parkinson 5+ receptions ❌

❌ Lost $100.00

Matt’s Week 17 Picks

$100.00 available to bet this week -$100.00 last week -$516.76 for the season

I've tried burning sage, giving Uncle Jack my FanDuel password, and even perineum sunning in the Arizona desert. Nothing has been able to reverse my downward spiral into despair. I've never been more ready for an NFL season to end. But hey, this isn't my therapist's office (or my accountant's, thank god). So here's another desperate shot to get back in the black.

Nothing to Lose Except My Dignity Parlay (+888)

Commanders ML Broncos ML Patriots ML Giants/Raiders Over 41.5 Rams ML

Commanders — My goal here is to basically get this over with early on Christmas Day so that I can go be merry with my kids and pretend that this contest didn't eat into their present allotment for the year. So why not grab a big, fat divisional underdog in the first game of the Thursday slate? The Commanders signed Jeff Driskel because it looks like Marcus Mariotta will be unable to go. Can't you just see it? Jerry Jones cringing and crying in the owner's box, sun blinding his own players, while his disinterested team gets upset on Netflix by a quarterback with 12 career starts across 8 seasons? What a gift that would be! Broncos — Forgive me, but Chris Oladokun doesn't seem like the guy who is going to end the Broncos' bid for the top seed in the AFC. Laying over 12 points with Denver seems like madness, since they'll probably be benching starters at some point. But they should cruise to an easy win to cap off the Christmas trifecta of pretty meaningless games.

Patriots — Similar logic as the Broncos game. The Patriots will play the lowly Jets who will be trotting out Brady Cook for another drubbing. The Jets are so unbelievably terrible on offense, it wouldn't surprise me if they got shut out in this one. A Patriots win feels inevitable.

Giants/Raiders Over — This game is being dubbed the Toilet Bowl of the season as the loser will likely get the No. 1 pick in the draft. The Giants are currently in pole position, and if you ask me, it would be absolute malpractice to win this game. So why am I betting the over? Because I think the public will line up to bet the under, thinking these are two stinky teams. And they're right. But I think disinterested defense outweighs disinterested offense. So while neither team will be trying hard to win, there are going to be a bunch of soft tackles and lack of hustle that could lead to more points than you'd expect.

Rams — If either the Bucs or Panthers win on Sunday, then the Falcons will be officially eliminated from the playoffs. Honestly, I thought they were already eliminated but apparently they have like a 0.8% chance. The Rams playing for positioning and rallying behind Matthew Stafford's MVP campaign against a lousy Atlanta team with nothing to play for feels like an easy win for Sean McVay and company.

💰 $100.00 to win $887.75

Kirk's Week 17 Picks

$100.00 available to bet this week -$100.00 last week +$346.68 for the season

The Cursed Parlay (+597)

Steelers @ Browns Over 34.5, Broncos @ Chiefs Over 36.5, Saints @ Titans Over 38.5

I picked the most rotten, horrible, stinky ass games to go Over on for the week and I'm actually kind of thrilled. I've got goosebumps on my arms as I am typing this.

My compatriot Matt has done similar spread picks before (targeting the ugliest dogs) but this is rooting for a Christmas miracle taking the 3 lowest point spreads of the week, with some truly atrocious potential.

I hate all of these games, and I could not be more excited to hate them in real time.

Merry Christmas All!

💰 $100.00 to win $597.93

Bonus Bet Week 17 Pick

$100.00 available to bet this week -$100.00 last week -$1229.86 for the season (holy crap, we suck)

Note: Not part of the weekly totals. This is a brotherhood bet, a ritual sacrifice to Taranis so he doesn't smite us both.

As a Christmas present to ourselves, we are shelving this cursed ass pick for the week.

We will be cooking up a doozy in week 18 to attempt to get back in the black in the final moments of the season. Surely, nothing will go awry.

Same Game Parlay (+0)

• Zilch!

• Nada!

• Bupkis!

💰 $0.00 to win $0.00

Reminder to send your comments, questions, and general mockery to hello@illandodd.com and we'll respond if we feel like it!