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An honest reflection on balls and life.
Becoming a father has been the high point of my life. I think it’s honest and fair to say that there have been low points as well.
The highs are watching the unbridled joy my kids have experiencing new things, playing with them in as silly a way as possible, and the moments of reflection with my wife as we watch them grow into their personalities right in front of us.
The lows that have come have been wrestling with my own anger issues and feeling like a piece of shit if I do lose my temper, and the strain on my marriage after the birth of my second child. There was a time after my second child was born that the relationship my wife and I had underwent a significant change. From each of our perspectives the other was lacking or not understanding to some degree. No one prepared me in life for this challenge. No one said “Hey, you know kids are great, but prepare yourself for some difficult times, and remember, you’re both going to change through this together”. I truly don’t understand why people gloss over the difficult parts of any good thing. I personally feel, no matter the situation, if I can be somewhat prepared on what to expect, I can generally handle it in a much better manner. There was no lower point for me in my life and not having forewarning sucked ass.
Thankfully that time has passed and my wife and I are on great terms and it feels like a distant bad dream. We are both honest with our friends and family about the stretch of time our relationship was strained. Maybe it’s our way of communicating to other couples, or people in general, that while parenthood is definitely worth it, prepare yourself for all that road leads to.
That gets us to the point. I was in a good place, like Obi-Wan I had the high ground, why would I sacrifice it? I didn’t want to distort the dynamic we had built back up. I knew I had to get a vasectomy.
I won’t lie and say I hesitated to schedule it and get it done, I didn’t hesitate. I knew it was the right thing to do. I did however do some serious contemplating on the subject before my balls fell to the blade.
Balls are probably an afterthought for many people around the world. For most men outside of getting sack tapped back in school, the cursory daily-ish wash, and doing an occasional trim for appearances sake they don’t live on the mind. For women I would imagine they don’t cross the mind much, if at all. That being said I bet they do appreciate that grooming standards have changed this century.
For me however, since the time I was about 25 or so, balls have held a special place in my mind. As usual, I’ll ask you to bear with me here - they weren’t my balls. BEAR WITH ME.
Back in the fuck around stages post college there weren’t too many concerns outside of how much time passed between partying and getting together with the guys. Back then most parties and weekends still blended together due to their frequency. I really couldn’t differentiate between most of those nights.
There are moments though, moments that will break through any haze and further define your relationships with people you thought you couldn’t be closer to or have anything to learn more about.
Back in the spring of 2015 my friend, Phil, had a girlfriend several years younger than us that was nice enough, Sarah. At one of Phil's parties that spring the night devolved into our core friend group and our significant others outlasting many noobs and we found ourselves sitting around a fire in his backyard. We are a very tight knit group with a lot of history and Sarah was new to our circle. As this was one of the first times many of us had met her I believe she was eager to fit in as anyone would be and join in our naturally flowing conversation. During a lull in that conversation as most of us stared into the fire she uttered words that would change all of our relationships forever.
“You know, Phil has the best balls”.
Shock and disbelief. That is the only way I can describe the scene immediately afterwards. Sure there was laughter as we began to register what Sarah had just spoken into existence, but shock and disbelief at this plot twist in life were the primary emotions felt.
She attempted to clarify her remarks but I honestly don’t remember anything else she said at that point. I just remember Phil's sheepish grin as this unfolded. The grin of a man who’s secret to a lifetime of confidence may have just been revealed. A peek behind the sack I suppose you could say.
Again, who thinks about balls? Should I be thinking about my balls more? Are my balls deficient? What made Phil's balls “the best balls”? Am I even a man? What is going on!?!
The silver lining that came out of this moment of existential dread was the fact that since that point on we have been able to joke about Phil having the best balls in the world. Ideally this is brought up around new individuals not familiar with us. I personally like dropping it into a conversation midstream and then walking away without providing any further commentary.
All this reran through my head as I prepared to have my vasectomy. Although I probably still think about his balls too much regardless.
I scheduled a consultation with a urologist my wife found on google nearby. I went in for a 10 minute consultation, was told I had functional junk, and the procedure was scheduled just a few weeks later. Here’s a fun fact I learned - did you know that semen makes up to approximately 10% of the ejaculate? So essentially it was laid out it would be the same with that small caveat. My dumbass didn’t even consider there was anything else other than semen released.
Given that he has the best balls around I did consult with Phil beforehand as I knew he had the procedure performed as well.
Surprisingly he stated things were not the same when ‘completing’, he felt it was like he couldn’t quite finish, couldn’t get to the level he felt he had to.
I have noticed a slight difference myself since the procedure (the procedure itself was unhelpfully painless to the detriment of this piece). I would say it is fair what my urologist claimed, about a 10% difference? At this point it’s forgotten and status quo for me.
I’m confident I made the right decision, and besides icing the boys for a couple of days I’m no worse for wear. My marriage has never been better and as a result my family has never been stronger.
Still...I find myself lying awake at night contemplating balls and I’m still haunted by what my friend told me. Is it possible that having “the best balls” has thrown his projected semen % completely out the window? Could he have been at 25%? 50%???
I suppose that is his cross to bear.
Through it all I’ve found contentment with my balls. I hope Phil finds his.
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