Giant Debacle

A Thursday Night meltdown for the ages.

Actually, you know what? I need to correct that title. This wasn't a debacle. “Debacle” implies that a few things accidentally went wrong. This was a deliberate, four-quarter act of organizational self-harm carried out before a national television audience.

The Giants crossed midfield six different times without scoring a single point. Three punts, a missed chip-shot field goal, a red-zone fumble, and a game-ending interception. The offense looked like Plaxico Burress trying to kill a housefly with a loaded handgun and repeatedly shooting himself in the testicles.

The first half alone featured Dominic Zvada missing a 33-yard field goal, Cam Skattebo vomiting a pretzel-wrapped hot dog onto the sideline, and the Giants requiring nearly eight minutes and 16 plays to finally score one touchdown.

Then John Harbaugh decided to help Washington with its two-minute drill.

With 1:16 remaining, Ben Sinnott was initially ruled out of bounds at the Giants’ 15. Replay correctly changed the call to down in bounds, meaning Washington was facing a 10-second runoff. For reasons known only to Harbaugh, Taranis, and whatever malevolent entity controls the Meadowlands, the Giants used one of their own timeouts to prevent the runoff.

Five seconds later, they used their final timeout.

Harbaugh essentially walked across the field, handed Dan Quinn two complimentary clock stoppages, and asked whether the Commanders would also like a warm towel and a late checkout. Washington thanked him, drained the remaining time anyway and scored with five seconds left. The Giants received the kickoff and knelt down.

Elite clock management. Excellent use of resources. Perhaps next week Harbaugh can challenge one of his own touchdowns.

The third quarter brought Malik Nabers fumbling in the red zone, because apparently the Giants hadn’t yet exhausted every possible method of crossing midfield without scoring.

Then Isaiah Likely broke a 66-yard touchdown with 8:13 remaining to give the Giants a 21-17 lead. MetLife exploded. I leapt from my couch and got yelled at by my wife. Hope had returned. Then the Giants immediately kicked the ensuing kickoff out of bounds.

Of fucking course.

Washington started at the 40 and marched toward the end zone until Jayden Daniels threw an interception at the Giants’ two-yard line. The defense had handed the offense the game. All New York needed was one first down.

Skattebo gained five yards. Then four. On third-and-one, Jameis Winston appeared to convert a sneak, but replay overturned the spot. The Giants lined up on fourth down and attempted to draw Washington offsides using the first Baha Men-based hard count in NFL history.

“Who let the dogs out? Who! Who! Who!”

Nobody moved. Sonny Styles pointed and laughed with the rest of America. The Giants took a delay of game. Jordan Stout bailed them out with a 68-yard punt.

Fine. Whatever. Daniels got the ball back and immediately threw another interception with 2:15 remaining, this time giving the Giants possession at Washington’s 46-yard line.

Game over. Has to be. Washington had already handed them the game twice. Even the Giants couldn’t screw this up.

They gained seven yards.

On third-and-three, with Skattebo averaging more than four yards per carry, Harbaugh called a designed quarterback crack sweep for J.J. McCarthy. Skattebo, the violent human bowling ball who had already scored twice, stood on the sideline while McCarthy lost two yards to cap off a 21-second possession.

Harbaugh later explained that the play usually provides an extra blocker and that he thought it “had a chance.” So does buying a scratch-off ticket from the liquor store, John. That doesn’t mean you stake the NFC East on it.

So then Stout shanked a punt that netted just 12 fucking yards. Washington got the benefit of a truly awful 33-yard pass-interference call and scored against a defense that had spent the entire fourth quarter on the field while the offense repeatedly licked electrical outlets.

Even then, the Giants had 57 seconds, two timeouts and a chance to force overtime. Naturally, they fumbled the kickoff. They recovered it, completed a 21-yard pass to midfield and still had 42 seconds remaining.

They needed roughly 15 more yards to attempt a tying field goal.

Instead, McCarthy threw incomplete twice and then launched another deep ball into coverage, where Rasul Douglas intercepted it to mercifully end the game.

The Giants were handed two interceptions in the final six minutes and converted them into zero first downs, ten yards, two punts, and 2:40 removed from the clock. Harbaugh botched the end of both halves, abandoned his best short-yardage weapon at the most important moment, and then defended the final barrage of hopeless deep balls by explaining that Washington was sending zero blitzes.

Wonderful. Perhaps next time the opposing defense can submit its play calls in writing 24 hours beforehand.

The Giants didn’t get beaten. They received the game in a gift bag, removed it, pissed on it, stuffed it into a wood chipper, and mailed the remains back to Washington.

At least Skattebo got the hot dog out of his system. The rest of us Giants fans will be vomiting until Jacksonville comes to town.

Oh, and by the way, I wish I could change my Oddball picks for this week. The Cowboys moneyline just became the biggest lock on the board.

GOD DAMMIT I HATE THIS TEAM.