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Oddball 2026: Week 9 NFL Bets
There is no more Kirk. There is only The Void. Matt enters Week 9 with $9.92 of swagger while Kirk fires a +945 parlay into darkness.
Oddball is our weekly NFL gambling competition where we each get $100 every week and try to outdo each other. The loser must watch an entire playoff game alone at Outback Steakhouse in a suit and tie, order a Bloomin’ Onion for one, and tell the server he’s celebrating something special. Let's take a look at how we did this week!
Matt's Week 8 Recap
Wagered | $100.00 |
Weekly Profit or Loss | $9.92 |
Season Profit or Loss | ($23.06) |
✅ Broncos (+7.5) & Patriots (-1.0) won $18.75
❌ Vikings (+3.5) lost $20.00 ❌ Ravens (+3.0) lost $20.00 ✅ Bucs (-2.5) won $18.87 ✅ Commanders (-5.5) won $12.30
What a rush! Saturday night’s trick-or-treating parlayed beautifully with a dominant $9.92 profit on Sunday. Please respect my family’s privacy while we adjust to this sudden influx of refined sugar and generational wealth.
Contrary to what my esteemed co-author will claim, a winning week is a winning week even when the profit barely covers a fun-size bag of Peanut M&M’s at MetLife. My victory means we’re shelving Dipshits of the Week and opening the mailbag. Let’s see what our completely real readers had to say.
All of us down here at Puffaneers Vape, Kratom & Phone Repair in Ybor City would like to congratulate Baker Mayfield on becoming the first Tampa-area employee since my nephew Cody to go 0-for-3 on his assigned tasks and somehow get promoted to Assistant Shift Manager. Cody botched three Cricket Wireless activations during one shift, but he also sold $2700 worth of delta-8 gummies to a bachelor party from Sarasota, so the big boss looked the other way. After Sunday’s elite performance, we are formally offering to rehire Baker for our vacant night-manager position. Overnight sales just haven’t been the same since he came off IR and returned to the Bucs. His responsibilities will include restocking the Celsius cooler, discouraging teenagers from sampling the disposable vapes, and explaining to customers that phone repairs are handled by an independent contractor who comes in “most Tuesdays.” Unfortunately, his employee discount will not apply to Zyn due to concerns about abuse. Thanks for the fun weekly read. You guys get the whole Kratom Krew fired up to tail your Bonus Bets every Thursday night. If those keep hitting, me and Cody might be able to franchise our very own Circle K someday. —Randy D. from Tampa, FL
Baker completed as many passes on Sunday as I have in my entire NFL career, so he may finally be ready to admit that his future lies in retail. Keep the position open until Tampa is mathematically eliminated from the NFC South in mid-December.
And please tell your phone-repair contractor that my Motorola Razr has been sitting behind the register since Week 2.
Matthew, congratulations on the $9.92. But don’t get used to it. The blue wave is coming, and once those Dumbocratic socialists take over, they’ll seize $8.75 of you're winnings and spend it on kitty litter for elementary-school students who identify as Maine Coons. The rest will go toward gender-neutral bathrooms with purple hair dye in the soap dispensers. Hannity did a hole segment on it. My advice is to hide the cash in a Folgers can behind the furnace. That’s where my friend Tony from the plant kept his pension after Obama got elected — until he had to pay for his niece’s counseling after that no-good cyberbully Jared Goof harassed her into the funny farm. And whatever you do, don’t tell you're cousin Colin you won money. He’ll ask you to invest it in ethically sourced moon crystals or buy a Himalayan salt lamp for the rescue ferret he claims is his emotional-support animal. Good call on Washington. It was nice watching those Philadelphia jabronis get humbled. Maybe now they’ll stop throwing batteries long enough to learn how to read. The only thing I didn’t like was having to root for a team called the Commanders. Sounds like something Castro would name his fantasy team. Anyway, enjoy you're windfall before AOC donates it to Mahmoud Abbas’ Super PAC. —Jack from Stratford, CT
Thanks for the financial advice, Uncle Jack. I think I’ll just use the money to buy a gallon and a half of gas. At least USAID can’t waste it anymore, right?
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: The Harbaugh-McDaniel campaign would like to address irresponsible media speculation that Coach Jim Harbaugh intends to withdraw from the race following an 0-7 start. He does not. While recent polling places the campaign at zero percent, our internal numbers reveal strong support among men over 60 who wear pleated khakis, distrust the forward pass, and believe every workplace problem can be blamed on millennial work ethic. Claims that Coach Harbaugh resembles debate-stage Joe Biden are cheap partisan attacks. The candidate remains as sharp and energetic as ever. Just yesterday, he correctly named three of the seven teams that have defeated him and remained facing the podium for nearly half of his press conference. Coach Harbaugh has complete confidence in running mate Mike McDaniel, whose economic platform calls for twelve pre-snap motions, a bubble screen on third-and-14, and substantial federal investment in aviator sunglasses. We see a clear path forward. That path begins with refusing to answer questions, blaming the previous administration, and hoping for several opposing teams to contract norovirus. Harbaugh-McDaniel 2026: We’re Not Dropping Out. We’re Dropping Back and Taking Another Sack. —Chip Liberty, Senior Campaign Strategist
Thank you for the statement, Chip. Oddball is not prepared to endorse a winless candidate at this time, but we respect Coach Harbaugh’s commitment to remaining in the race long after it has become harmful to everyone around him.
If all else fails, simply declare victory and spend the next four years claiming the standings were rigged.
ay yo, what up ill crew? hate to say it matty t, but ya boy knew that ravens bet was cooked the second lamar grabbed his thumb. ya boy has spent enough time as qb2 to know exactly how prepared the backup quarterback is. which is to say: not very. ya boy is almost thru his season three rewatch of the wire downloaded on the surface tablet. stringer and avon are both movin real funny over this brother mouzone situation, so if j-love goes down on sunday, coach lafool is gettin a man who watched approximately four minutes of defensive film and spent the rest of the week yellin “don’t go in that warehouse, string!” at a twelve-inch screen. and that’s qb2. irregardless, can’t even imagine the shenanigans joey fagnano was gettin into as qb3. heard that fool is a new york times connections fiend who always tries to solve the purple category first. psychotic behavior. everybody knows ya knock out yellow and green, stare at the remaining eight words until the theme song from jeopardy starts playin in ya head, then throw ya surface tablet across the locker room. three quarterbacks before halftime is the scariest shit ya boy has seen since the parking garage episode of homeland. prayers up to every bone, tendon and internal organ in j-love’s body. —Tyrod from Green Bay, WI
Starting with the purple is absolutely third-string behavior. But let’s show Joe Fagnano some respect, he finished with 91 more passing yards than Baker Mayfield.
Please finish The Wire before Sunday. We cannot have you entering a pivotal game distracted by Stringer Bell’s real-estate portfolio.
Hello gentlemen, My name is Chad Presteej, senior executive recruiter at Synergy Leadership Partners International. We specialize in helping recently displaced leaders translate public failure into lucrative private-sector opportunities. Aaron Glenn is not currently a client. However, after watching the Jets turn a 30-21 second-half lead into a 38-33 home loss, we believe he may soon become receptive to our services. Our preliminary research indicates that your organization maintains a close relationship with Tyrod Taylor, who played for Coach Glenn during the 2025 season. Would you be willing to facilitate an introduction? We’re hoping Tyrod can provide insight into Aaron’s communication style, adaptability and willingness to relocate on extremely short notice. We believe Aaron could be an excellent candidate for several open positions, including vice president of culture for a regional trampoline-park chain, defensive coordinator for the St. Louis Battlehawks, or assistant manager at a Hertz location experiencing unusually high turnover. Any backchannel information would be appreciated. Please keep this confidential until the Jets lose two more games or Aaron updates his LinkedIn banner, whichever comes first. —Chad from Lee's Summit, MO
Chad, I’ll gladly make the introduction as soon as Tyrod finishes season three of The Wire. In the meantime, you can bet your latest placement fee that I’ll be looking long and hard at the Jets +10 at Arrowhead in Week 9.
If that goes as expected, perhaps you can help me translate my public failure into a lucrative private-sector opportunity.
Kirk's Week 8 Recap
Wagered | $100.00 |
Weekly Profit or Loss | ($100.00) |
Season Profit or Loss | ($800.00) |
❌ Rams (-6.5) & Chiefs (-1.5) & Patriots (-7.0) lost $100.00
Bonus Bet Week 8 Recap
Wagered | $100.00 |
Weekly Profit or Loss | $342.29 |
Season Profit or Loss | $910.25 |
Chubba Hubbard any time touchdown scorer ✅
Chubba Hubbard 50+ rushing yards ✅
Christian Watson to record a 20+ yard reception ✅
Tucker Kraft 4+ receptions ✅
The Litter Box Proximity Model cashes again. Uncle Jack will be horrified to learn that the only people transitioning into cats are the two adults who run this website.
Matt's Week 9 Picks
Available | $109.92 |
Wagered | $109.92 |
Season Profit or Loss | ($23.06) |
Nine bucks ain't gonna make itself! Let's get right into the picks.
Jaguars (-9.5)
Against the spread (-120)
The Jaguars have spent most of the past two weeks lounging around in spa robes. They had a Week 7 bye, then cruised to a 42-7 victory over the corpse of Daniel Jones in Week 8. Trevor Lawrence and most of the starters clocked out before the fourth quarter. Over the past 17 days, they’ve been asked to play about as much football as friend-of-the-site Tyrod Taylor.
Meanwhile, Baltimore’s quarterback room is resembling RNC Headquarters. Lamar Jackson’s thumb injury could cost him the rest of the season and potentially cost the Ravens their remaining will to live. Tyler Huntley is also out, leaving undrafted rookie Joe Fagnano to make his first career start in primetime.
Fagnano looked so overwhelmed against Buffalo that the Ravens immediately began finalizing a trade for Arizona’s third-string quarterback. That would be Jacoby Brissett, who lost his job to Gardner Minshew on Sunday and was promptly demoted behind a rookie named Carson Beck. Unfortunately for Baltimore, Brissett won’t arrive in time to help tonight. Joe Fagnano and his 91 career passing yards remain under center.
What actual chance do the Ravens have here? Their entire offensive game plan should be handing Derrick Henry the ball 40 times, but Jacksonville owns the NFL’s top-ranked run defense and allows only 3.4 yards per carry. Eventually Fagnano will have to throw beyond the line of scrimmage, and that’s when the evening should become entertaining for everyone outside the Inner Harbor.
Normally, I avoid Thursday games and hate laying big numbers. But this feels like a well-rested, sneaky AFC contender facing a dead team walking. If the Jags can’t win this game by 10, they aren’t Super Bowl contenders and I deserve to lose my $15.
💰 $15.00 to win $12.50
Colts (+5.5)
Against the spread (-106)
Wait, didn’t I just call Daniel Jones a corpse a few short paragraphs ago?
Why yes. Yes, I did. And now I’m crawling into the coffin and asking him to scoot over.
One of the central rules in my gambling manifesto is that when a team loses by five touchdowns to a division rival, trades Quenton Nelson and DeForest Buckner for future draft picks, and returns home to play inside a half-empty mausoleum, you absolutely have to grab that team catching less than a touchdown.
That isn’t chasing a bad team. It’s buying the dip.
It helps that the opponent is Dallas, who led Arizona 17-3 last week before Gardner Minshew climbed off the bench in leather pants and led four consecutive touchdown drives. The Cowboys have no business laying nearly a touchdown on the road against any organism with a detectable pulse.
The Disgusting Brothers are back, baby. Daniel provides the hollow eyes and six-yard checkdowns. I provide $15 worth of completely unearned confidence. 💰 $15.00 to win $14.15
Dolphins (+7.0)
Against the spread (-110)
Detroit opened the week with Jack Campbell’s scary neck injury hanging over the team, while Cade Mays, D.J. Reed, and DJ Wonnum all missed practice. Brian Branch, Kerby Joseph, and Amon-Ra St. Brown were limited as well. The Lions did enough to hand Minnesota its first loss of the season, but that extremely physical divisional game extracted a toll. Now they’re limping down to Miami with half the roster held together by athletic tape and Toradol.
The Florida humidity is basically an additional fourth-quarter pass rusher. Northern teams fade down there when they’re healthy, and Detroit appears particularly susceptible after last week’s street fight. The backdoor should remain wide open.
And if one of those random South Florida showers wanders over Hard Rock Stadium, Jared Goof’s tiny cyberbullying hands could turn into two sticks of unsalted butter. He won’t be cyberbullying Miami in this one, although Jeff Hafley looks like an assistant principal who got stuffed into a locker by the JV long snapper.
Give me the full touchdown with the ugly home dog. Maybe Miami loses 27-23 and everyone involved feels slightly worse about themselves. 💰 $20.00 to win $18.18
6-Point Teaser (-134)
Panthers +8.5 Seahawks -2.5
The Panthers will be home on 10 days’ rest against a Denver team traveling east for a 1:00PM kickoff after last week’s instant classic against Kansas City. Broncos fans and the general public are starting to believe the hype, while everyone has turned on Bryce Young again after watching him stink for two consecutive weeks.
Listen, Carolina isn’t that good. I get it. But neither is Bo Nix, who seems to require three quarters of football before remembering how to throw. And that’s when he’s operating on Mountain Time. You’d think he’d be accustomed to travel after all those business trips selling medical devices, but his internal clock appears similar to that of my seven-year-old daughter, who asked Alexa to play “The Wobble” in her bedroom at 5:37 this morning.
Give me the rested home divisional dog through both three and seven.
Next, I would like to resoundingly fade the Gardner Minshew hype. I’ve seen this movie before. It’s called Bohemian Rhapsody, the 2018 Queen biopic in which Minshew stars as Freddie Mercury. It begins with a mustache, tight pants, and an electrifying performance. Then Minshew’s version skips Live Aid and cuts directly to the sad ending.
I feel like I’ve watched this guy light it up in relief at least four times, only to return the following week looking like he spent six straight nights partying backstage with the roadies. I’ll pass.
In fact, I was prepared to lay the full 8.5 points until I remembered that Drew Lock is starting for Seattle. As I'm sure you are aware, Drew Lock is my mortal nemesis. Here is the scouting report I wrote on him after Week 1:
I’ve hated Drew Lock since Week 17 of the 2024 season. That’s when he started for the Giants in a mega-upset of the Colts, becoming just the fifth player in NFL history with 300+ passing yards, four passing touchdowns, a rushing touchdown and a 155+ passer rating in the same game. He boned my 10-to-1 parlay and screwed the Giants out of the No. 1 overall pick in one afternoon. Lock climbed even higher on my shit list Wednesday night when he took an idiotic delay-of-game penalty that forced Seattle to settle for a field goal, then had a touchdown pass nullified by an illegal shift that was 100% his fault. He left at least eight points on the field in a game I lost by the hook.
Drew, much like the Democratic Party, you still have a long way to go before fully redeeming yourself. Fortunately, I’m not asking you to fix democracy. Just ride a Blue Tsunami to a three-point win over Gardner Minshew.
💰 $34.92 to win $26.19
Bucs (+6.5)
Against the spread (-110)
On one side of this matchup, you have the NFL’s newest media darlings: a genius offensive coach, a burgeoning superstar quarterback, a game-wrecking defensive acquisition, and a rabid fanbase that has spent more than 40 years waiting for another Super Bowl victory.
On the other side, you have a walking Juul pod at quarterback, the coaching equivalent of settling for a field goal, an offense that just played an entire game without completing a pass, and a fanbase equally passionate about voting for felons and smoking cigarettes in the lazy river.
Naturally, I’m taking the second side of that equation.
It has been peak Bears hype all week. They’ve won three straight, Caleb Williams looks awesome, Ben Johnson is designing plays from a laboratory, and Jeffery Simmons immediately transformed the defense into the ’85 Bears after one game.
Now let’s see the wunderkinds do it on a short week against a Tampa defense that leads the NFL in interception rate and a rushing attack that has produced 584 yards over the past two games. Chicago may very well win, but laying nearly a touchdown in primetime feels like an invitation to learn an important lesson about trusting the Bears.
If you need me, I’ll be heading down to Puffaneers Vape, Kratom & Phone Repair to stock up on Celsius and Honey BBQ Fritos Flavor Twists for game day. Hopefully the independent phone contractor who comes in “most Tuesdays” also knows how to repair a passing attack.
Charge your Juul! Let’s go, Baker!
💰 $25.00 to win $22.73
Kirk's Week 9 Picks
Available | $100.00 |
Wagered | $100.00 |
Season Profit or Loss | ($800.00) |
The Righteous Brothers Douple Dip (+945)
Johnathan Taylor ATS, Javonte Williams ATS, Chuba Hubbard ATS, Jonah Coleman ATS
News flash! Extra Extra!
Blind man can't see shit!
I have zero grasp on this NFL season. My gut is weighed down by my poor decision making, both in dietary choices and clearly in my recreational activities of old.
I was staring at this week's slate frozen solid. Then it hit me, what if there was no slate?
I'm going to keep chucking up darts praying to the Football Gods that a win would be amusing for them.
In this case I'm taking a couple of matchups with mostly dubious defending, and just going right on the + money RB's to score touchdowns. I know the Broncos D isn't ass but Chuba is a dawg of a back and the Panthers are at home coming off a humiliation.
It's dumb, it's simple, and by God, it may just work.
💰 $100.00 to win $945.01
The Guys' Week 9 Bonus Bet(s)
We're feeling ourselves so hard down here, we've been asked to get off the bus at the next stop. In a highly unprecedented move, we've decided to split the investment into two lucrative litter box opportunities this week. Hope you've been tailing, let's keep it rolling.
Same game parlay (+469)
Derrick Henry 2+ receptions
Parker Washington 50+ receiving yards
Bhayshul Tuten any time touchdown scorer
We're looking for lots of offense out of the Jaguars and a couple of panicked dump offs from Fagnano to Henry. This should be simple enough.
💰 $50.00 to win $234.50
Jaguars -20.5 (+300)
The Ravens might be done.
💰 $50.00 to win $150.00
Reminder to send your comments, questions, and general mockery to hello@illandodd.com and we'll respond if we feel like it!
