How to Be a Douche

The unabridged guide to douchebaggery.

1. Wear camouflage in non-combat settings

2. Use speakerphone on public transit

3. Tell more than one MILF story

4. Get really into soccer and/or lacrosse

5. Know how to play "The General" by Dispatch on guitar

6. Host a podcast about mindfulness

7. Explain the blockchain to your date

8. Own Fight Club on Blu-ray

9. Work out in toe shoes

10. Paraphrase a Netflix standup joke to your co-workers

11. Collect sneakers and/or flat brim hats

12. Look forward to Santacon, St. Patrick's Day, and New Year's Eve

13. Start a website and ask everyone to read it