Oddball: NFL Season Preview Smorgasbord

The guys are back, finding any possible excuse to procrastinate at work and shirk their household responsibilities. That can only mean one thing... it's football season, baby!

Matt's Completely Accurate Opinions

Under hyped

The Wrath of Taranis

Yes, we're starting with a mythical shaman that I made up. Welcome back, folks. If you're new here, we've been attributing Kyle Shanahan's horrendous luck to a curse levied upon him outside of a voodoo spirit house in New Orleans prior to his appearance as the Falcons' offensive coordinator in the infamous 28-3 Super Bowl meltdown.

Since then, the only good thing to happen to him has been his promotion to head coach of the 49ers. Other than that, he lost two more Super Bowls, Christian McCaffrey got bilateral tendonitis, Ricky Pearsall got shot, Deebo Samuel got fat, Brandon Aiyuk entered a year-long hostage negotiation with the franchise, George Kittle started looking like Gritty, an electrical substation started softening ligaments at the practice facility, their fourth-string quarterback had to make an appearance in the NFC Championship Game, Dre Greenlaw tore his Achilles running onto the field, Nick Bosa and Fred Warner both suffered season-ending injuries, and I could keep going for a few more hours.

This offseason, Shanahan was involved in a serious car accident that has left him with very scary post-concussion symptoms. Am I an asshole for making this into a bit? Kind of. But is this team actually cursed? You tell me.

Bet the 49ers under 10.5 wins (-140)

Houston Texans

The Texans are currently sitting at 17-to-1 to make the Super Bowl this year, and that probably feels about right to a lot of people. They're one of those perennial good-but-not-great teams who usually lose to the Patriots on Saturday afternoon of the Wild Card Round. But I think they could be a sleeper.

Last year started terribly, with consecutive losses to the Rams, Bucs, and Jaguars. But after that 0-3 start, they finished the season on a 12-2 heater and curb-stomped the Steelers 30-6 in the postseason. Then the wheels fell off during a snowy game in New England, where C.J. Stroud forgot how to take a snap and threw four picks in the first half.

So yeah, I get why there's a bad taste in everyone's mouth. But Stroud will shake off the yips, the scary-good defense got even scarier and better, and the wide receiver room is getting Nico Collins and Tank Dell back.

Borrow Uncle Jack's money and bet the Texans to win the Super Bowl (+1700)

New Orleans Saints

Most of my argument for the Saints centers around the super-shaky division they play in. The Falcons will be lucky to have either Michael Penix or Tua Tagovailoa standing by Halloween. I'm not buying Bryce Young stock after a handful of above-average games and "almost" beating the Rams in the playoffs. Call me when he grows six inches or strings together six good weeks, whichever comes first. And then there's Tampa, where Baker Mayfield is fresh off losing seven of his last nine games, missing the playoffs, and spending all offseason vaping outside the Circle K.

I don't trust any of those guys more than Tyler Shough. That's not to say I trust Shough either, but New Orleans was 5-4 in his starts last year after opening 1-7 without him. He went undefeated in December with a 71% completion rate and a passer rating over 100. Chris Olave finally stopped putting his shoes in the refrigerator and returns as a high-end receiver, while No. 8 overall pick Jordyn Tyson gives the Saints the explosive second option they've been missing. The backfield should also be much deeper with Travis Etienne joining Alvin Kamara, giving Kellen Moore two versatile backs who can run, catch, and create mismatches.

Bet the Saints to win the NFC South (+270)

Over hyped

The 2026 NFL Schedule

We've completely lost the plot. Going to 17 games and seven playoff teams already made my OCD do backflips. Now we've got a Wednesday night season opener, followed 24 hours later by the 49ers and Rams playing in Australia. There are nine international games in seven countries on four continents. Thanksgiving has turned into a three-day tryptophan bender: Thanksgiving Eve football on Wednesday, three games on Thursday, then the Black Friday Bezos Bowl on Amazon Prime. Santa will bring us a game on Christmas Eve, followed by a tripleheader on Christmas Day. Divorce lawyers and child psychologists everywhere are salivating. They've even got Lamar Jackson's flu-ridden immune system scheduled for a game on New Year's Eve.

ENOUGH. I'm putting Uncle Jack's cardigan on and demanding that we return to the natural order. Football is played on Sunday at 1:00, 4:00, and 8:20. Monday night is also acceptable. And I will reluctantly permit Thursday night so Kirk and I have something to lose money on while texting each other that the refs are fixing the over in the Titans/Raiders showdown. That's it. I don’t need Wednesday Night Football. I don’t need Thanksgiving Eve Football. I don’t need to wake up at 6:30 in the morning to watch Shedeur Sanders throw for 105 yards in Madrid. I don’t need an NFL game kicking off in Melbourne while the players’ biological clocks think it’s 2033. Roger Goodell, put the sport back where you found it and get off my lawn.

Bet a 5-team Thanksgiving Eve, Thanksgiving Day, Black Friday parlay (+2436)

Baltimore Ravens

The John Harbaugh era is over in Baltimore, but the Lamar Jackson enigma continues. He'll likely look awesome for three of the first four weeks of the regular season, miss a game or two due to illness, and finish the year looking inexplicably stationary in the pocket. He'll probably win the division, crush the 9-8 Steelers on Wild Card Weekend, and then drop a huge deuce in the middle of the field in the Divisional Round, leaving us all scratching our heads and pinching our noses.

Meanwhile, Derrick Henry will bulldoze his way to 1,500 yards while somehow getting stuffed at the goal line once per half for the entire season. All that to say, the Ravens' head coach and star running back were born in the same decade. That doesn't seem like a Super Bowl-winning formula to me, but what do I know?

Bet the Ravens to make the playoffs (-300) then take their postseason opponent on the money line every week until they crash out.

Kevin O'Connell

After spending the summer trading Fartcoin and bragging about his portfolio to J.J. McCarthy's 10-month-old son, the NFL’s most obnoxious crypto bro returns at the helm of the Minnesota Vikings. He seems particularly excited about his new offensive weapon, Kyler Murray, who the Cardinals hated so much they paid Vikings ownership $0.84 worth of Melania's meme coin just to take him off their hands.

I've read way too many think pieces about KOC being a quarterback whisperer while watching Kirk Cousins, Joshua Dobbs, Nick Mullens, Jaren Hall, Sam Darnold, J.J. McCarthy, Carson Wentz, and Max Brosmer parade through the building with their tails between their legs. This guy lost a home playoff game to Daniel Jones and Brian Daboll. ENOUGH ALREADY!

Bet the Vikings under 8.5 wins (-110) and take the Colts moneyline when they play in Minnesota on October 25, just two days after the release of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 4.

Properly hyped

Bad vibes at the Meadowlands

Sure, John Harbaugh couldn't figure out how to win with two-time MVP Lamar Jackson, or remember to get his star running back off the sidelines in the fourth quarter. Sure, he called Donald Trump's re-election "the greatest experiment in governing that’s ever been attempted in the history of the world." Sure, he has gone one-and-done (or worse) in his last seven playoff berths. But at least the man can fire up his team!

If that didn't have you ready to run through a wall, maybe Malik Nabers needing a second ACL surgery in May or Cam Skattebo botching backflips at Fanatics Fest will get you going. Not chubbed up yet? How about trading your three-time Pro Bowl defensive tackle to Cincinnati? Okay, fine. What about your Zoomer quarterback introducing the president at a MAGA rally and getting into a racially charged Twitter spat with your star linebacker? What if that same Zoomer quarterback then trotted onto the field for Week 1 of the preseason and got sacked into the Earth's crust? WOULD YOU NOT BE FIRED UP?

Bet the Giants under 7.5 wins (-110) and see if there's a way to wager on visits to the blue tent for Dart and Skattebo.

Miami Dolphins

Most prediction markets and pundits have the Dolphins ranked at the very bottom of the NFL this year, and the contrarian in me can find no reason to object. Sending D.J. Mike McDoofus to San Diego and handing Tua Whichwaydoigoa a Falcons helmet while telling him Miami changed the logo were probably net positives.

Malik Willis has shown some fun flashes, like when he put up 348 yards and three touchdowns against (checks notes) John Harbaugh last season. But the entire rest of this roster is a horror show. Just look at the receiver room: Malik Washington, Jalen Tolbert, Keon Mercer, Caleb Douglas, Tutu Atwell, Chris Bell, Kevin Coleman Jr., Darius Vann, Tahj Washington, Terrance Marshall Jr., and Jalen Reagor.

I made two of those names up. You have absolutely no idea which two, and honestly, neither does new head coach Jeff Hafley. And before you Google it, I did not make up the head coach's name. That's really who their coach is.

Bet the Dolphins adjusted line under 2.5 wins (+310)

Jordan Love

He's fine.

Bet the Packers to make the playoffs (-120)

Honorable Mentions

Matthew Stafford's veneers

When he plays the Raiders, you can see these things right alongside the Luxor's light beam from outer space.

Bet the Rams to miss the playoffs (+410). Their quarterback is older than me.

Zac Taylor's Hilton Honors points

The Bengals' head coach once again spent all summer at the Four Seasons Resort Maui at Wailea, living his best life. He booked the $14,000-a-night Oceanfront Prime Suite, where the only game plan he studied was whether to start his day with the caviar omelet or the Kona-crusted ribeye. Afternoons were devoted to poolside mai tais and long contemplations about absolutely nothing, punctuated by a 90-minute lomi-lomi massage at the spa.

His toughest decision of the offseason? Whether to catch the sunset from his balcony or the infinity pool. He plans to return to the States on September 12, about 17 hours before Cincinnati hosts the Buccaneers in Week 1. He figures that should be plenty of time to adjust to the time change and put together a game plan.

Bet Buccaneers Week 1 moneyline (+176). The Bengals are 3-11 in the first two weeks of the season under Zac Taylor.

Playoff Predictions

Here are my fool-proof postseason prognostications for the 2026 season. Enjoy the ride, everyone. See you in Week 1!

NFC Division Winners

North: Packers

East: Cowboys South: Saints

West: Rams

NFC Wild Cards

Lions Seahawks

Eagles

AFC Division Winners

North: Bengals

East: Bills

South: Texans

West: Chargers

AFC Wild Cards

Patriots

Ravens

Broncos

Kirk's Crap

Against all odds, we're fucking back baby!!! The site no one asked for and our wives viscerally hate!! Fuuuuuck YESSSS!!!!

Let's rip it y'all (+180)

Chargers Under 8.5 Regular Season Wins

So this little appetizer isn't chalk full of bets - really it shouldn't have any - but I couldn't resist.

Who could resist the most fraudulent Quarterback west of the Mississippi in Chad Powers? Excuse me, I mean Justin Herbert. I'm not kidding when I say I had to google him real quick because I'm tired and forgot his white ass (I've only had 3 beers thank you very much). That's how forgettable he is to real ball knowers. After thousands of bets nearing the 6 digits mark with a lifetime plus/minus of +$440.00, I think I'm qualified as a ball knower.

The guy is a choke artist and again, I personally dislike the Harbutt's so much that I hope they fail and get their 'football guy' whimsical bullshit culture stomped into the dirt.

I'll take Sean McVay's coked out genius over that any day.

💰$500.00 to win $900.00

Fantasy Football

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UPw-3e_pzqU

Hubris is a hell of a drug. I've been taking that drug long and deep into my veins since the first time I kissed a woman at the age of 23.

Now, yes, sometimes it does come up to the surface, and I vomit violently all over myself.

I was due.

Just 5 days ago one of the 'fellas' at work was asking if I was excited for fantasy football and if I played.

"Fuck no, I hate it" I replied evenly.

I hate it because no gambling is worth 16 weeks of trying to remember to set a line up, or trade with a bunch of olds who can't use a computer. I like the immediate win or loss that FanDuel provides. I know right then and there if I should allow the endorphins to course from tip to taint.

"My father-in-law runs a $50 league that I got out of a few years ago. Never again"

Well wouldn't you know it, I'm at the beach this week with my wife (my wonderful wife) and her close family. And by golly, wouldn't you know it multiple people backed out this year.

Cut to me, wrapped in the tight warm cloak of my Irish Catholic guilt, being asked by my father-in-law if hey, maybe I'd be interested in helping fill the league back to a playable number.

My father-in-law is a good guy. Having said that I hate fantasy, and I would have said "Fuck no", but again, I have a wife.

Cut to me nodding curtly, my jaw locked as if to say to me "you lying piece of shit, you'll eat your words forever".

My only solace is that after I agreed my wife jumped in -

"Maybe ask Matt if he wants to join again".

I laughed loudly and cathartically. I was going to be okay after all. At least for a night.

Editor's Note: Matt quit the league before the 1st game several years ago after my father-in-law upheld a dumb rule to not allow him to draft a new TE before the season began after his TE was injured in training camp. I had to hear about it from one of my best friends and my father-in-law for months. It was truly awful and selfish of them.

Note About the Editor's Note: Since I'm apparently allowed to talk about this now, I didn't want to "draft" a new tight end. I dropped mine and picked another one up legally on the waiver wire and apparently there were "house rules" that prohibited waiver wire moves before Week 1. No one has ever heard of this rule before or since, and Yahoo Fantasy sure as heck didn't prevent me from putting the transaction through. But don't worry, I'm not bitter about it at all.

Who To Bet Against If The Spread is Less Than/At 6.5

If you're one of the dozens of diehard readers we have, then you know I'm the back-to-back champ of Oddball. As stated above, I know ball. Here's who the short list of who I will routinely bet against as dogs and rake in the cash:

1. Commanders (recent news cycle has been TOUGH)

2. Falcons (immaculate vibes from the locker room backed by an empty HC headset)

3. Chargers (clearly)

I'll tally those instances throughout the year (I'll mean to anyway, I'm no saint) and we'll see where we end up.

I'm guessing somewhere around here:

What to look forward to the most

Football - any real meaningful football. I am tingling with anticipation.

Why the fuck did it seem like the offseason was so long this year?

Was it that my team didn't win the Superbowl?

And that an inferior bird team won?

Cheers to another year and our commitment to you that our shitty writing will continue, and yes, this is very much like a hostage situation.

Reminder to send your comments, questions, and general mockery to hello@illandodd.com and we'll respond if we feel like it!