Oddball: Week 1 Recap

Matt eked out a modest profit, while Kirk jumped out to a slim lead over the back of the hapless Giants offense.

Oddball is our weekly NFL gambling competition where we each get $100 every weekend and try to outdo each other. The loser has to do the TB12 diet for a week. Let's see how we did in Week 1.

Matt's Recap

$100.00 wagered $12.41 won +$12.41 for the season

Football is back, and it is glorious. Our buddy Phil smoked roughly 2,000 pounds of meat for the early slate — fuel for a ragtag crew of Giants, Jets, and Patriots fans who immediately inhaled it, then spent the next three hours weeping about poor quarterback play while battling the meat sweats. My own gambling weekend was a modest success, which is code for: it should’ve been a lot better if the Lions didn’t stink and Josh Allen didn’t log in with the cheat code. But we’ll get to that.

Cowboys (+8.5)

Straight up ATS (-115)

I was so fired up about this bet I actually drove all the way to Ithaca just to record my pick. Down in Philly, CeeDee Lamb had a little too much cheesesteak grease on his gloves from his pregame meal at Dalessandro's, or else the defending Super Bowl champs might be starting 0-1. I’ll let you go scrolling through the thriving archive of Spitgate memes on your own, but let’s be clear: I will not tolerate any more Ithacagate slander. I was there. I have the photos. Case closed.

✅ Won $26.09

Browns (+5.5)

Straight up ATS (-114)

Death. Taxes. And fading Zac “Mai Tai” Taylor in Week 1. Easiest money I’ll make all season. Honestly, I should’ve sacked up and quadrupled down. The Browns bottled up the almighty Joe Burrow so thoroughly he managed just seven yards of offense in the entire second half. They should’ve won outright, too — if not for some Szmytty kicking courtesy of rookie Andre Szmyt, who shanked the potential game-winner late in the fourth.

✅ Won $26.32

6-Point Teaser (-134)

Seahawks +8.5 ✅ Lions +8.5 ❌

The Seahawks' offense was not impressive at all in this game. After the twelfth time Kenneth Walker ran exactly one yard into the waiting arms of the opposing defense, I began to regret my decision to draft him in fantasy. Maybe the unimpressive run game was the reason the Seahawks decided to kick a field goal in the final two minutes rather than go for it on 4th down and a yard. That decision might have cost them the win, but it didn't bust the teaser.

For a recap of the Lions' performance on Sunday, let's go to my Uncle Jack:

Well, well, well — this was the best start to a year since the time my neighbor's annoying dog ate a leftover firecracker on January 1st. He started farting sparks, singed my mailbox, and somehow still looked more coordinated then Jared Goof! That no good cyberbully stunk up the joint worse than one of Susie's egg salad sandwiches left in a hot car. Three picks, two fumbles, and a face so dumb it looked like he was trying to read War and Peace upside down. I would’ve loved to watch him unravel live with you at Phil’s house, but no, you're hippie cousin had to take a moral stand against the brisket being murder on a plate. So instead of barbecue and beer, I got stuck at home gnawing on kale chips that tasted like a roofing shingle. And let me tell you, the only thing tougher to swallow than those was watching Goff overthrow a five-yard out route by what had to be a nautical mile. The man couldn’t grip the ball if you glued it to those tiny little hands of his. I’ll say it again: worst quarterback and worst human I’ve ever seen outside a Guitar Center.

❌ Lost $20.00

Moneyline Parlay (+127)

Broncos ✅ Ravens ❌

The Broncos sure didn’t look like a Super Bowl contender here. They spent the afternoon sweating in front of their home crowd just to scrape by a rookie quarterback making his first career start. When you’re struggling to put away a noob who posts 112 yards and a 43% completion rate, the vibes are not good. Not to be outshined in suckitude, Bo Nix coughed up three turnovers like he’s been binging Jameis Winston highlight reels. Luckily, the defense and run game finally dragged Denver across the finish line in the fourth, limping to a 20-12 win.

After all that brisket, I could barely keep my eyes open for the night game. I nodded off at halftime and woke up just in time to see Derrick Henry bulldoze in a score to put the Ravens up 40-25 with 11 minutes left. I marked this bet down as an easy win, shuffled upstairs, and started brushing my teeth. By the time I spit, it was 40-38 and the Bills were lining up for a field goal to finish off one of the greatest comebacks I’ve ever technically half-watched. Bad beat, great game, and almost certainly not the last time these two trade haymakers in 2025.

❌ Lost $20.00

Kirk's Picks

$100.00 wagered $37.50 won +$37.50 for the season

I asked Matt earlier since through 1 week I've already reached his combined profit total of the last two years of the contest if he'd like to just call it now.

Hahaha, we joke because we love. And hate. There's a surprising amount of hate mixed in there.

I am proud to have seen that Matt did make good on the bet from last year and drive 5 hours to and 5 hours back from Ithaca. Certainly, on par with me holding up my end of the deal in year 1 and eating what turned out to be a delightful steak. Turns out, I was eating good in the neighborhood.

Go Birds Parlay (+1678)

Saquon Barkley ATD ✅ Jalen Hurts ATD ✅ A.J. Brown ATD ❌ Jalen Hurts +225 Yards ❌ Birds -8.5 ❌

Alright I got it, keep it in your pants Kirk. Message received.

Did my blind love for the Eagles blind me to a parlay that was blindingly poorly thought out? Yes, yes that is true. I'm sorry I got excited for Pete's sake.

In my haste to be a fat homer I kind of forgot something. In particular, Jalen Hurts does hate A.J. Brown. I don't care what any sources tell you or what the players say through their perfectly PR polished teeth. This guy hates this fucking dude. There is no other explanation for one of the top 10 receivers (shit even top 5) in the league the last half a decade to get totally ignored in the offense. I don't care that Jalen runs great and Saquan is there as well. Not mixing in the odd deep ball to A.J. reeks of stank.

Add a chip to Jalen's shelf at home? Now he has no incentive to listen to A.J. yell in his face.

Shoutout Jalen Carter for the self-defense spit, I see you dude.

❌ Lost $25.00

Commanders (-5.5)

Straight up ATS (-120)

I shit on my friends Matt and Jake a bunch in our group chat. Two of my closest friends who both happen to be into the BDSM experience that is Giants Football.

I read nothing about the Commanders offseason, not a thing. I read that the Giants were contemplating bringing all 4 QB's into the season before making the tough call to cut Tommy Cutlets.

That's all the info you need. This isn't the Matrix you guys. Spread under 7? Lay the points against this meadowlands dumpster fire that burns and never goes out.

Thanks Brian!

✅ Won $62.50

Bonus Bet

$100.00 wagered $100.00 lost -$100.00 for the season

Note: Not part of the weekly totals. This is a brotherhood bet, a ritual sacrifice to Taranis so he doesn't smite us both.

Started off the year with a howler of an 0-for-3 performance. I'm not sure who was colder — me picking these parlay legs or my wife when she found out there was a Friday game.

Same-Game Parlay (+276)

• Chiefs moneyline ❌

• Omarion Hampton under 46.5 rushing yards ❌

• Chris Jones to record a sack ❌

❌ Lost $100.00

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