Oddball: Week 16 NFL Bets

Kirk and Matt get $100 each per week and go head-to-head to see who can light the most money on fire betting the NFL this season.

Here's our holiday gift to our loyal readers: If you want extra money to do your Christmas shopping, go ahead and fade our Bonus Bet picks!

Our rules are simple:

• Each of us gets $100 to bet every week.

• We must bet the entire $100.

• Picks go up Thursday, recaps on Tuesday.

• Only bets that resolve that week (no futures).

• Loser does the TB12 diet for a week

Any weekly profit can be banked and rolled forward. Any portion of the $100 you don’t lose stays in your total, but you can’t reuse it.

Now that the rules preamble is over, let's cut to the chase!

Matt’s Picks Uncle Jack’s Picks

$100.00 available to bet this week -$100.00 last week -$416.76 for the season

Matt’s hole house has “the flu,” so apparently I’m making his picks this week. Typical liberal malarkey to blame every problem in you're life on a few sniffles and a temperature. When did we get so soft?

A hole lotta good that little jab in the arm did him, huh? No sir, no shots for me. Unless their shots of Wild Turkey. Red meat and brown liquor are the only vaccines this country ever needed, and we seemed to be doing just fine before everyone started asking ChatGHP about they're symptoms.

I told Matt if I win him back even a dime this week, he’s buying me a REAL Christmas present. I’m done pretending to enjoy the handmade patchouli oil my ingrate son Colin gives me every year as his little protest against “holiday consumerism.” Oh, you don’t want to celebrate Christ and capitalism? Fine. That’s you're right. But don’t come crying to me when Santa leaves you a big fat lump of coal and the heat’s turned down to 62.

"GIVE ME A GOD DAMN BREAK" 5-TEAM, 6-POINT TEASER (+333)

Rams +7.5 Giants +8.5 Cardinals +8.5 Patriots +8.5 Jets +10.5

I noticed my moronic nephew loves betting teasers, which tells you just about everything you need to know right their. So I’m gonna give him one that actually has a chance of winning for once, instead of lighting his money on fire like he’s buying vagan avocado toast.

These five teams are all playing in games that made me say, out loud, to nobody in particular, “Give me a god damn break.” FanDuel has to be out of they're minds setting these lines the way they are. Either that or they’ve been drinking the same oat milk lattes as the rest of you geniuses.

Let me explain. Slowly. Since attention spans in this country have been absolutely gutted by TikTac and Instascam.

Rams — The Rams are playing Kevin Arnold again, a quarterback who somehow keeps failing upward. Sean McKay has made this kid look more lost than the Biden administration every time they’ve crossed paths. In his last two games against the Rams, he’s thrown five interceptions, coughed up a fumble, and gotten planted in the turf NINE TIMES. And now I’m supposed to believe this guy is favored against the best team in football? Favored? By who, his mommy? His agent? The same people who said crypto was a good idea? Give me a god damn break!

Giants — Okay, fine. Matt’s beloved Giants are terrible. No argument their. But have you seen my nephew’s luck this season? The Giants are absolutely winning one of these last few games and making that shiny number-one pick disappear faster than a contractor after the deposit clears. It’s destiny. Bad teams always do the dumbest possible thing at the worst possible time. And here’s the thing: the Giants can actually do one thing well — rush the passer. And the passer in question this week is that scrawny little pencil-neck who calls himself “Nine.” What business does that dweeb have being favored on the road in December, in the cold, against any defense with a pulse? Give me a god damn break!

Cardinals — You might be starting to notice a pattern here, and that pattern is Vegas has lost the plot faster then my wife Susie watching anything higher brow than her Housewives shows. What business do the lousy Falcons have being a road favorite this week? I’ll wait. If you manage to lose to the Jets and the Dolphins, you forfeit you're right to be favored on the road against anyone, ever — except the Raiders, and even that’s a courtesy. That’s not me being emotional, that’s just basic football law, the kind we all understood before these so-called "analytics" ruined everything. Give me a god damn break!

Patriots — It took Kyle Allen turning into some kind of superhero for the Bills to come back against the Pats last week. Now your asking Lavar Jackson to do the same thing? During flu season no less?! If illness has taken my nephew out who has a NORMAL immune system, imagine what it's going to do to Lavar's deficient white blood cells. Unless the Ravens have a secret stash of Ivermectin hidden in the quarterback room, there toast. Give me a god damn break!

Jets — All they talk about on my radio programs lately is two things: affordability and Tyler Stuck. That’s it. Twenty-four hours a day. This guy looks like he listens to Eminem and wears work boots to church, and suddenly I’m supposed to believe he’s an MVP candidate or something. The way their hyping him, you’d think he’s down their in New Orleans curing diseases between drives. Meanwhile, fugazi FanDuel has him as a 4.5-point favorite against the equally underwhelming Jets, despite the fact that in his last two games combined he’s managed one touchdown, one interception, and eight sacks. Eight. But sure. Favorite. Makes total sense. Give me a god damn break!

💰$50.00 to win $166.75

HEROES & ZEROES 3-LEG PARLAY (+612)

Bears +1.5 Steelers +6.5 Texans -14.5

Bears — The Bears are home underdogs in a divisional game against what can only be described as a floppy, blank sheet of computer paper pretending to be a quarterback. At least once a game, Jeremiah Love gets so busy imagining himself blowing a saxophone that he forgets to read the coverage. Real jazz-brain stuff. That’s not going to fly against Chicago, a team that creates takeaways like Democrat poll workers create ballots. And let’s not forget that Michael Parsons is done for the year for the Packers, which is a pretty big detail if your trying to stop anybody. Take him out and suddenly the whole defense caves in like a cheap lawn chair. Give me the Bears.

Steelers — That miserable, no-good cyberbully Jared Goof and his tiny, slippery hands deserve to lose by ten touchdowns, minimum. Especially around the holidays. This is supposed to be a time of reflection, not whatever nonsense this guy does online. All my friend Tony from the plant’s niece can do is sob into her eggnog every December thinking about the time Goof sent her a fake Evite to the Cal student body Christmas party, only for the address to turn out to be a reptile store behind a strip mall. You don’t reward behavior like that with a cover. Give me the Steelers and the points.

Texans — TJ “God Bless the USA” Shroud is officially back, folks. Bigger, stronger, and more American than ever. When he’s not busy buying gifts for kids with cancer or suplexing muggers in parking garages, he’s out their doing what the Lord intended: winning football games for Houston. And I can’t wait to watch him do it against the god-awful Raiders, a franchise propped up by nostalgia and a fanbase full of grown adults who dress like Hot Topic weirdos. Spikes, face paint, chains — the whole thing. You’re 47 years old, Gary. Take the helmet off and hug your kids. This isn’t Mad Max, it’s a dome in Nevada with $19 beers. Go get ’em, TJ. Godspeed. 🇺🇸

💰$50.00 to win $306.09

Kirk's Picks

$100 available to bet this week -$457.41 last week +$446.68 for the season

I've run out of time and the picks are in late because I was at a holiday party. I'm an asshole okay!? I'm sorry okay!??!

I Made This Parlay Driving Into Work Before I Hit The Ben Franklin As I Don't Want To Have Fanduel Bets In Jersey (+589)

Jags @ Ponies Over 46.5, Packers @ Bears Over 46.5, Bucs @ Panthers Over 45.5

💰$100.00 to win $589.88

Bonus Bet

$100.00 available to bet this week -$100.00 last week -$1129.86 for the season

Note: Not part of the weekly totals. This is a brotherhood bet, a ritual sacrifice to Taranis so he doesn't smite us both.

Get your kids a few extra stocking stuffers by loading up on the opposite of this.

Same Game Parlay (+369)

• Matthew Stafford 200+ passing yards

• Byron Young 1+ sacks

• Colby Parkinson 5+ receptions

💰 $100.00 to win $369.09

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