Oddball: Week 9 NFL Bets

Kirk and Matt get $100 each per week and go head-to-head to see who can light the most money on fire betting the NFL this season.

Kirk has gotten so sad about this season that Matt has started rooting for his picks. It's just not as fun when one of the contestants is emotionally broken. Come on, anytime touchdown parlays!

Our rules are simple:

• Each of us gets $100 to bet every week.

• We must bet the entire $100.

• Picks go up Thursday, recaps on Tuesday.

• Only bets that resolve that week (no futures).

• Loser does the TB12 diet for a week

Any weekly profit can be banked and rolled forward. Any portion of the $100 you don’t lose stays in your total, but you can’t reuse it.

Now that the rules preamble is over, let’s get to the picks — hopefully we fare better than Kirk Cousins' mutilated achilles.

Matt's Picks

$143.33 available to bet this week +$43.33 last week +$254.83 for the season

This season’s been kind of lame. Sure, I’m winning money — but hitting moneyline parlays with heavy favorites feels about as exciting as watching Is It Cake? on Netflix. My go-to strategy of backing stinky underdogs has gone down the drain too, mostly because the underdogs are so rancid they can’t even sniff a cover. So until the favorites finally get burned, I’m sticking with teams that are actually good. Wild idea, I know.

Chargers (-9.5)

Straight Up ATS (-110)

Justin Herbert is on quite a heater. 😳

In addition to his extracurricular activities, he's also got his bodyguard, Joe Alt, back on the offensive line. That had the Chargers offense looking like they were playing 7-on-7 in the backyard of a Malibu Airbnb. Now they'll go up against the Titans, who's pass rush is so bad Jeffery Simmons is pleading for a trade to the XFL. Herbert should have plenty of time to daydream up some new date night ideas while he's sitting back in the pocket all afternoon. The same will not be true for Cam Ward, who takes more sacks than a Spirit Airlines baggage handler. With Khalil Mack and Denzel Perryman back, this feels like it could get truly violent for Ward. Godspeed!

💰$44.00 to win $40.00

Lions (-8.5)

Straight Up ATS (-112)

Jared Goff versus Brian Flores’ blitz is like Kirk playing Monopoly against a middle schooler — pure humiliation. Goff thrives when blitzed, and the Vikings bring it more often than my Uncle Jack brings up “the deep state” at Thanksgiving. Meanwhile, Jahmyr Gibbs and David Montgomery should feast against Minnesota’s battered run defense, still missing Blake Cashman and Andrew Van Ginkel. On the other side, J.J. McCarthy returns — to the visible disappointment of crypto enthusiast/head coach Kevin O’Connell, who seemed perfectly happy to keep him barricaded in the equipment room like the bullies used to do him back in high school. Dan Campbell, meanwhile, has spent the bye week pounding raw eggs and headbutting drywall. Expect pain.

💰$44.80 to win $40.00

Packers (-13.5)

Straight Up ATS (-110)

Jordan “Hammermill” Love just torched the Steelers with 20 straight completions and now faces a Panthers defense that couldn’t hold back a sneeze. Jaycee Horn can only cover one guy, and the rest of Carolina’s secondary is about as effective as Uncle Jack’s blood pressure meds. Josh Jacobs should feast, too, since the Panthers’ “top run defense” was exposed faster than George Santos’ résumé (congrats on the pardon, buddy). Meanwhile, Andy Dalton looks like he’s auditioning for The Golden Bachelor, and Bryce Young is hobbling on a high ankle sprain. Unless Love jams the printer again, this one’s about to get uglier than Brett Favre’s text history.

💰$44.80 to win $40.00

Same Game Parlay (+657)

Chiefs Alternate Spread (-13.5) & Rashee Rice Anytime Touchdown

As much as it’ll irritate the Taylor haters, the Chiefs look like the best team in football right now. The offense is finally humming, with Rashee Rice unlocking the passing game and giving Mahomes an extremely versatile weapon. Rice is like a skinny version of Deebo Samuel in his prime, the way he lines up all over the field. The Bills, meanwhile, are still a MASH unit on defense and haven’t beaten a single team with a winning record. This feels like the week Mahomes plays angry — out to remind everyone that Josh Allen hasn’t actually taken his throne. People keep billing this as another instant classic. But what if it’s not? What if it’s just one elite team dismantling a mediocre one?

💰$9.73 to win $63.96

Kirk's Picks

$100.00 available to bet this week -$190.91 last week -$500.00 for the season

Great, we've reached the stage of the year where my friend is now pitying me instead of shitting all over me.

Just like when the cards aren't going my way at the blackjack table and everyone is silent and just waiting for me to get drunk enough to wander away so they can have fun again as I have stolen all the joy from the floor.

JUST GREAT.

Big Burley Men Parlay (+269)

Patriots -5.5, Lions -8.5

Need to take another small shot to get a chunk of change back for next week. And it's a simple pick.

💰$100.00 to win $269.56

Bonus Bet

$100.00 available to bet this week -$100.00 last week -$429.86 for the season

Note: Not part of the weekly totals. This is a brotherhood bet, a ritual sacrifice to Taranis so he doesn't smite us both.

THE FALL OF MCDOOFUS IS UPON US!

Same Game Parlay (+538)

• Derrick Henry ATD

• Jaylen Waddle 40+ receiving yards

• Justice Hill 2+ receptions

• Ravens alternate spread (-13.5)

💰 $100.00 to win $538.98

Reminder to send your comments, questions, and general mockery to hello@illandodd.com and we'll respond if we feel like it!