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Oddball 2026: Week 5 NFL Bets
Week 5 NFL picks against the spread, featuring Aaron Rodgers, Cleveland, a rancid Packers wager, Josh Allen as an underdog, and one deeply unserious parlay.
Oddball is our weekly NFL gambling competition where we each get $100 every week and try to outdo each other. The loser must watch an entire playoff game alone at Outback Steakhouse in a suit and tie, order a Bloomin’ Onion for one, and tell the server he’s celebrating something special. Let's take a look at how we did this week!
Matt's Week 4 Recap
Wagered | $182.19 |
Weekly Profit or Loss | ($43.55) |
Season Profit or Loss | ($65.11) |
✅ Browns (+2.5) won $35.60 ❌ Moneyline Parlay: Ravens & Texans lost $56.19 ❌ Teaser: Giants (+8.5) & Broncos (+8.5) lost $56.00 ✅ Raiders (+4.5) won $33.34
A quick round of Dipshits of the Week after this weekend's debacle.
Matt & Kirk
For voluntarily sitting through every snap of the Browns-Steelers creepfest, rooting for two of the NFL’s worst humans to produce points, getting the offensive explosion we asked for and somehow still losing our parlay. Even Al Michaels had the good sense to emotionally check out and dip into the Dewar's.
Kamari Lassiter
For burning me in Week 1 by dropping a game-sealing interception, then burning me again in Week 4 by surrendering the most receiving yards by any cornerback in a game this season. Houston’s vaunted secondary helped CeeDee Lamb collect 17 catches for 189 yards. Uncle Jack is better at “learning the AI” than Lassiter is at learning man coverage, and Jack still thinks ChatGPT is a Chinese weather balloon.
George Kittle
For turning a harmless late reception into a 56-yard touchdown that sank my teaser just as I was finishing a game of Go Fish with my 4-year-old. NO, I DO NOT HAVE A MOORISH IDOL! I ALSO DON’T HAVE ANY MONEY LEFT THIS WEEK! Oh yeah, and George Kittle looks like Gritty.
Kirk's Week 4 Recap
Wagered | $100.00 |
Weekly Profit or Loss | ($100.00) |
Season Profit or Loss | ($400.00) |
❌ Parlay: Bears (-3.5) & Cowboys (+3.0) & Bills (-6.5) lost $100.00
I'm officially adding another team to the list of teams I banned from betting on, forever.
It turns out Josh Allen can be ass in back-to-back weeks! I blame his new fatherhood, the curse that lingers over that sad ass franchise, my hubris for mocking my BIL's disenfranchisement with said franchise that now bit me in the ass, the list goes on!
So, let's recap.
Eagles - Can't bet on my wife's favorite football team (and mine) as my yelling at the TV for missed Over's, fucked spreads, or for random player parlay's prevented her from any enjoyment.
Bills - Because this team lost to Drake Maybe (and all of the above-mentioned slights and more).
The Cowboys outright won and the Bears manhandled the Jets. 2/3 doesn't get you anything but an ulcer watching the late afternoon game deteriorate.
So, you may ask, how am I doing after four straight losses out of the gate?
I am officially in pain.
Bonus Bet Week 4 Recap
Wagered | $100.00 |
Weekly Profit or Loss | ($100.00) |
Season Profit or Loss | $427.09 |
Deshaun Watson 2+ Passing Touchdowns lost ❌
Aaron Rodgers 2+ Passing Touchdowns won ✅
Please see above in Matt's Recap for a closer look at the two of us dipshits and how we fared this week. My dip is the bigger of the shits however. I (we know who) have forced us into back-to-back losing weeks of bonus bets. Something that hasn't happened since all the way back in Week 17 of 2025 to Week 1 of 2026.
For this Thursday I need to remove myself and my stink. It's the right thing to do.
Matt's Week 5 Picks
Available | $100.00 |
Wagered | $100.00 |
Season Profit or Loss | ($65.11) |
It may have failed as Kirk’s new corporate mantra, but it’s going to be my gambling edict this week: Keep it simple, stupid. Or, as Uncle Jack says whenever confronted with matters of gender fluidity, “Keep it simple, snowflake.”
Anyway, here are my Week 5 picks.
Steelers -2.5
Straight-up against the spread (-110)
I watched last Thursday’s creepfest far more closely than I’m willing to admit on the internet. While the memes of Rodgers and McCarthy having hissy fits have had ten days to circulate, people seem to have forgotten that Rodgers was actually pretty solid in the fourth quarter. Good enough that I immediately started sweating all the Browns futures Kirk and I placed at halftime.
Actually, I’m still sweating them. Jesus, did we accidentally get into Aaron’s ayahuasca?
Anyway, it’s extremely fun to laugh at Rodgers, but the old man can still sling it against the right defense. This spot is lining up nicely for him. The Colts played in London last week, their starting center was wearing a walking boot on Wednesday, two starting linebackers and a defensive end missed practice, and their secondary remains a saucy mess. They briefly made a guy named Athan Kaliakmanis look like a functional NFL quarterback, which should trigger alarm bells in Indianapolis. And don't even get me started about the owner taking notes on the sideline.
I’m not ready to order a Terrible Towel for the playoff run, but laying less than a field goal here feels simple enough.
Give me the Steelers, snowflakes.
💰 $30.00 to win $27.27
Packers +1.5
Straight-up against the spread (-105)
This line absolutely stinks! Why would anyone bet these putrid Packers and their quarterback, who stares off into the distance like a blank sheet of printer paper and won't stop playing the saxophone, getting only 1.5 points against the consensus Coach of the Year and his Mensa-level offensive scheme?
Exactly. The grosser and more odorous the wager, the more I start sniffing around it like our friend Phil circling the gas station Tastykakes.
Backup Tyson Bagent had his fun whooping up on the Jets in front of his home crowd last week. Traveling to Lambeau for a divisional showdown against the Bears’ most hated rival is a completely different story.
It’s like when I humiliate my co-workers at Mario Kart 64, using elite drifting and precision banana placement to lap several opponents, only to face Kirk at our next gathering in the mountains. Suddenly, it’s time to step up to the big leagues.
Last week was Moo Moo Farm. This week is Rainbow Road.
Give me Green Bay.
💰 $15.00 to win $14.29
Lions -5.5
Straight-up against the spread (-104)
As a tortured Giants fan, I watched far too much of the Arizona Cardinals last week. Guess what? I wasn’t impressed.
The Giants haven’t been able to stop the run in three full seasons. Arizona’s one legitimate weapon is a solid rushing attack led by Jeremiyah Love (who I’m convinced Uncle Jack accidentally conjured by mispronouncing Jordan Love’s name into a bathroom mirror three times) and Tyler Allgeier. Even against the NFL’s softest defensive front, the Cardinals turned that advantage into only one rushing touchdown. Now Love has a gimpy ankle.
On the other side of the ball, Arizona allowed the lowly Giants to score 36 points. Why are people still trying to make the Cardinals happen because of one impressive performance against an absolute debacle of a Chargers team in Week 1? I’ve seen enough.
Detroit’s defense is pretty porous, but the Lions should have no problem outscoring Jacoby Brissett. We don’t have to worry about rain inside climate-controlled State Farm Stadium, so Jared Goof’s tiny, fragile cyberbullying hands will remain dry enough to distribute the ball to Amon-Ra, Jahmyr and the boys.
Give me Detroit to put this away by halftime and leave Scott Hanson to vamp aimlessly through the late window.
💰 $30.00 to win $28.85
Bills +3.5
Straight-up against the spread (-118)
They might be on Kirk’s D.N.B. list, but they sure as hell aren’t on mine. You just need to pick your spots. Getting Josh Allen as an underdog coming off a loss and getting the hook? That qualifies.
I was honestly delighted to see Buffalo on my opponent’s bet slip last week. That game was such an obvious trap that it should’ve had an ACME logo stamped on the side. The Patriots were fighting to remain relevant in a do-or-die divisional matchup, while everyone had already penciled in another easy Bills win. I wasn’t remotely shocked when New England pulled off the upset.
But now people like my esteemed co-author will overreact and write off Buffalo, making this the perfect time to strike.
Not to mention, the vaunted Rams needed an unprecedented Eagles collapse to escape with a win last week. Philadelphia went an astonishing 0-for-12 on third down and watched a 20-10 fourth-quarter lead completely evaporate. Los Angeles’s only two victories have come against tailspinning NFC East teams, one of which was quarterbacked by the corpse of Jameis Winston for 59 minutes.
You can keep the L.A. hype. Matthew Stafford’s veneers are the only Hollywood-caliber thing about this team.
Give me Josh Allen and the hook.
💰 $25.00 to win $21.19
Kirk's Week 5 Picks
Available | $100.00 |
Wagered | $100.00 |
Season Profit or Loss | ($400.00) |
Browns Moneyline (+108)
@Jets
I'm in a really good spot.
I'm 0-4 to start the NFL season in our Oddball Competition.
The Eagles look like ass. We may be in rebuild mode as our injuries are stacking up and we've just lost Lane Johnson to retirement (well deserved, thanks for the memories and absolutely HOF career, and SAS can go choke on a bag of dicks).
Lane was the last seemingly vocal leader in the locker room, so my hope is someone steps into the void.
Someone to represent the city, the state, and the surrounding area. Someone who really gets our vibe.
I personally like Jalen Hurts but we're going to need him to get really weird, really fast:
Anyway, that's what I felt like writing.
I also think my sports brain has broken from this past week so I'm shelfing my parlay picks for a week.
Instead, I'm betting on the cursed Browns to get my out of my funk. A team that looks revitalized and competent behind a surly lovable old man coach, and you know, that other guy who may have done some stuff.
That dude is not quite balling out like he did in Houston but he's on the way up - and this team is showing some real fuck you fight that I enjoy. I am rooting for their fans this weekend and shit, the whole year (and an AFC Title would be really, really good for Matt and I).
I am going to focus on one game this weekend.
And I sure hope the Jets Jet.
💰 $100.00 to win $108.00
The Guys' Week 5 Bonus Bet
Same-Game Parlay (+363)
Jake Ferguson 3+ receptions
CeeDee Lamb or George Pickens anytime touchdown scorer
Chris Godwin 25+ receiving yards
Jalon Daniels 40+ rushing yards
Here's a random collection of players to root for. We couldn't pick a side. The Cowboys are playing their third game in eleven days, and one of those games was in Brazil. The Bucs are starting a guy who might not even be able to start in the SEC this year.
💰 $100.00 to win $363.06
Reminder to send your comments, questions, and general mockery to hello@illandodd.com and we'll respond if we feel like it!
