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Matt took a poop all over the place and Kirk cashed a huge parlay to jump firmly into the lead. The tables have turned dramatically as Thanksgiving approaches.
Oddball is our weekly NFL gambling competition where we each get $100 every week and try to outdo each other. The loser has to drive to the State Diner in Ithaca, NY and eat a bowl of chicken and rice soup alone. Let's take a look at how we did this week!
Matt's Week 12 Recap
$102.67 wagered $102.67 lost -$359.52 for the season
Man, I remember a time when football used to be fun. Teaser legs were reliable, divisional races were close, the Giants weren't a laughing stock, and I could always count on being a better gambler than Kirk. Now I don't know what to think! Week 12 was one of the biggest wagering calamities of my life. I guess the only saving grace is that there are still six weeks to go (holy shit the season is long), so I have some opportunities to dig myself out of this miserable hole and avoid another miserable hole (Ithaca). Taranis — I am sorry for whatever I did to anger you. Please hex someone else.
Dumb 4-Team Teaser (+280)
Chargers +8.5 ✅ Rams +8.5 ❌ 49ers +7.5 ❌ Broncos ML ✅
49ers: About 12 hours after I posted this pick it was announced that Brock Purdy would miss the game and Brandon Allen would start. So this whole teaser was dead in the water before any of the games had kicked off. That would have really sucked if it was the only reason why I lost, but it wasn't. I just suck.
Broncos: Another excellent job by me teasing a team that won by double digits. Although, as I'm sure Kirk will cover, this was not a sure thing by any stretch of the imagination. To add to my week from hell, I was also playing against Bo Nix and Courtland Sutton in a must-win fantasy matchup. I need a drink!
Rams: One cool thing about watching the Giants hit rock bottom during the 1:00 PM slate was being able to further wallow in my sadness during the Sunday Night Football game as well. Saquon stomped all over my hopes, dreams, nuts, and ill-advised Rams futures bets. If the Eagles make the Super Bowl, I'm not watching.
Chargers: I'm writing this on Monday morning, so I'm not sure how the Chargers did yet. But let's be real, they'll lose. I was so lost this week, I looked like Uncle Jack trying to set up a Roku box on his 25-year-old TV. The least painful thing I get to do this week is navigate Thanksgiving airport shenanigans with a toddler and a kindergartener.
❌ Lost $20.00
2-Team Parlay (+118)
Commanders ML Patriots +7.5
The Patriots absolutely stunk. I'm not sure what the hell their coach is doing. They took 13 penalties, including 6 pre-snap penalties. Yikes! And now all of a sudden goofball Mike McDaniel is looking somewhat competent again. Just in time to suck us back into the Dolphins before the cold weather turns them into a shriveled worm.
Now I need to talk about the Commanders. Oh my fucking god. I loaded up on them this week since basically no one I have ever heard of was suiting up for the Cowboys. I had them laying 10.5, I had their money line tied to a bunch of things, and I had them in a big money 14-point teaser league at +4. Trailing by 11 late in the fourth quarter, I had kind of resigned myself to losing all three of these bets. But then LITERALLY ALL OF THIS SHIT happened:
Ertz caught a touchdown and Daniels rushed in the 2-point conversion to cut the deficit to 3. All of a sudden the +4 and money line were back in play.
The Cowboys muffed the ensuing kickoff, but naturally picked it up and took it to the house to regain a 10-point lead.
I threw my remote against the wall and got yelled at by my wife.
The Commanders responded with a quick field goal to cut it back to 7.
The Commanders tried an unsuccessful onside kick.
The Cowboys couldn't get a first down and punted back to the Commanders.
Daniels hit McLaurin for 86 yards with 21 seconds left to cut the deficit to 1.
I danced on the couch and pulled a muscle.
The Commanders missed the fucking extra point.
I sadly marked the money line as a loss but put a nice green check next to the +4, assuming that the Cowboys would kneel it out.
The Cowboys returned the onside kick for a touchdown to go up 8.
I screamed "WHAT THE FUCK!" so loud that my neighbors called in a wellness check.
The Commanders got the ball back and got into Hail Mary range, just to tease me.
Daniels threw a pick to end it.
I took a long, sad walk around the block and listened to Enya.
I might never recover.
❌ Lost $20.00
Another 2-Team Parlay (+118)
Commanders ML (again) Colts +7.5
I don't know why I keep betting against the Lions, who are now 42-16 against the spread in their last 58 games. Somebody change my password to my FanDuel account and throw my phone into the woods. The sad part is that I'm probably still going to bet on the Colts about a half dozen more times before the end of the year.
❌ Lost $20.00
Bada Bing! Moneyline Parlay (+215)
Giants ML
❌ Lost $12.67
Kirk's Week 12 Recap
$100.00 wagered $612.18 won -$10.84 for the season
I am back from the dead. I dove into the void and overcame my petty failures. I have peered into the eyes of the Football Gods and found myself worthy.
(And my penis is totally as big btw, please don't research that)
Once more unto the breach, dear friends (+612)
Buccaneers -5.5 ✅ Lions -7.5 ✅ Broncos -6.5 ✅
Bucs 30 - NY Italians 7
Man I must be some kind of prophet or some shit. I mean, why else would this line be anything other than the Bucs -24? I must have been the only fucking guy who knew this would be the easiest bet of the week. I mean right?! Why else was this line under a touchdown?!? Daboll was confirmed to have lost the locker room last week with his shit kicking to the curb of Daniel Jones. It was brave of the Giants to collectively agreed they all sucked, not just D. Swag. I like to see that comradery and knew they'd lay a huge as turd as a result. Also Matt covered it so no need to repeat the fact that Saquon Barkley then had over 300 yards from scrimmage against the Rams and claimed he finally felt joy for the sport of football which had been an abstract concept in NY for some reason. Thank you NY sports!
Lions 24 - Dead Horses 6
The result of this game may not have been as disparate as I would have liked to see, but there was no real doubt here. I have some concerns the Lions offense didn't complete another curb stomping but I guess you gotta reload and rest your 'gun', I mean, you can't be fully 'loaded' all the time, that would be totally unreasonable for someone to assume. The most important facet of this game which I alluded to in my picks was that Anthony Richardson is not a good QB. He looked awful. Thank you, next!
'Detroiters' is top tier, just like Dan Campbell Alive Horses 29 - Dead Pirates 19
I'll take a brief, brief, detour from my victory lap to say that this game almost ended me. Of course the first two picks of the parlay hit with ease. Of course the third would go to the wire, and not at all like anyone could plan it.
The game was closely contested the entire time with Gardner Minshew having a decent passing day before his injury (I swear I did not pray for that, that would put Karmic stink on the Birds). The Broncos went up 10 with about 5 minutes to go and I hoped they'd be able to hold on.
They barely did so. It seemed Raiders headcoach and soon to be fired man Antonio Pierce must have had money on the spread because he pulled out all the stops attempting two different length of the field drives after the Broncos inexplicably gave them plenty of time by throwing incomplete 3 times and burning ZERO clock late in the 4th.
Only be the grace of the Football Gods the Raiders were stopped on the 1/2 yard line and failed to convert twice. Probably because it was Patron Saint of Suck, Desmond Ridder under center. Thank you PSS!! (pronunciation: piss)
You gotta give them the Forest Whitaker Eye
✅ Won $612.18
Week 12 Bonus Bet Recap
-$150.00 last week +$585.00 for the season
It was really nice of Nick Chubb to go over on the last offensive play of the game and destroy our 10-to-1 shot. But hey, at least it snowed.
Same Game Parlay (+1049)
Jaylen Warren over 12.5 receiving yards ✅
Darnell Washington over 11.5 receiving yards ✅
Nick Chubb under 52.5 rushing yards ❌
Russell Wilson under 10.5 rushing yards ✅
❌ Lost $100.00
Same Game Parlay (+271)
Najee Harris 50+ rushing yards ❌
David Njoku 4+ receptions ❌
Elijah Moore over 35.5 receiving yards ❌
❌ Lost $50.00
Thanksgiving Mailbag
From Jack in Stratford, CT
Ah finally, my favorite holiday is here! Thanksgiving is the one day of the year when we get back to good ol' American traditions — sitting around a table with family, eating classic American food like turkey, mashed potatoes, and pumpkin pie. I won't have to deal with any of those newfangled street tacos or sushi rolls getting delivered by a meth addict and stinking up my house! Sure, I've heard some liberal snowflakes whining about how the Pilgrims didn't even invent pumpkin pie, turkeys were domesticated in Mexico, and potatoes came from South America or whatever. But you know what? Once their mashed up and drowning in butter, there as American as Ronald Reagan stripping a bald eagle of his health insurance! And don't get me started on these hippies trying to twist Thanksgiving into some lecture about history. I mean, yeah, the Pilgrims and the Indians didn't always agree about everything, but everybody knew which public restroom to use! Those were the good ol' days, back when those Pilgrims showed up. Those goofy hat-wearing Puritans didn’t sneak in — they came here the right way! They sailed over, toughed out a bout of dysentery or scurvy or whatever, set up shop, and had a sit-down dinner with the locals to hash things out. That’s how you do it. None of this jumping fences or overstaying visas nonsense. Now, some folks will say, ‘But Jack, the Pilgrims weren’t invited!’ Well, sure, maybe not technically, but they were productive! They didn’t just take — they gave us stuff like...uh...cornucopias and cranberry sauce and Cyber Monday, I guess. That’s what I’m talking about — pull your weight, respect the traditions, and everybody wins. Except Matt. Sorry nephew, but your downright lost lately with these picks. Anyways, may you're day be all about giving thanks for the important stuff, like football, second helpings, and having enough leftovers to fix a sandwich thick enough to make Grover Cleveland's mustache proud. If we're lucky, Jared Goof will get such bad food poisoning he blows the game for the Lions and, thinking he's being punished by a god more vengeful than Taranis, finally fesses up to changing all of Tony from the plant's niece's social media handles to @GobbleGobble69. Gotta run, Susie needs help basting the bird if you catch my drift. All that Puritanical talk really gets her wheels greased. Happy Thanksgiving to you all! Except you Jared.
From Tom in Plymouth Meeting, PA
Matt, your picks were the saddest thing I've seen since my cousin showed up to my bachelor party with his CPAP machine. Maybe I'll buy you one for Christmas so it can pump some more oxygen to your brain before you try another ill-advised teaser. It was truly fantastic watching the rest of the NFC East play grab ass with each other all afternoon. It reminded me of you and Kirk trying to do any kind of manual labor whatsoever. Completely clueless. Have a great Thanksgiving, fellas!
From Tyrod in Secaucus, NJ
ay yo, what up ill crew? it's ya boy tyrod comin at ya this week from terra firma once again. the bye week cruise was super relaxin, especially once i cashed the bingo jackpot on the final evenin. all the jealous old ladies were tryin to throw me overboard faster than aaron tossed saleh into the drink. anyways, i'm really hopin we survive the next five weeks without needin to make a change at qb. the cat workin the carvin station at the midnight buffet got me into below deck on bravo. i ain't seen that much nautical drama and hookin up since sauce gardner invited me to a pool party at his cousin's house during trainin camp. that shit was wild. god willin, i'll be on the sidelines on sunday — belly fulla yams, ass fulla bench, and microsoft surface fulla super yachts. until then, have a happy thanksgivin. and remember, the pilgrims didn't make it to america by bein scared of teasers and parlays. ya gotta keep shootin ya shots even if the shot punctures ya lung and steals ya job. count ya blessins.
From Jake in Morristown, NJ
Have you guys ever noticed that Thanksgiving turkeys are actually pretty hot? The thing is is that their legs are super shiny — almost as shiny as Taylor Swift's. Man, I hope she's at the Chiefs game on Black Friday. I think it's finally time for Travis Kelce to go off. Or for me to get off. Not sure which.
From Daniel in Secaucus, NJ
Hey all, I recently lost my job to a Gen Z guido who wears gold chains, vapes, and sleeps in his parents' basement. My former boss lost 200 pounds and half of his braincells over the summer and HIS boss let our star running... err... employee... walk away to our biggest competitor for basically no reason. Anyway, are you guys hiring?
Matt's Week 13 Picks
$100.00 available to bet this week -$102.67 last week -$359.52 for the season
Boy do I suck. Kirk opened up a huge lead and also has a small fortune in the bank. I'll need to catch fire down the stretch if I want any hope of avoiding Ithaca. God. I suck. At least the Giants, Rangers, and American democracy are thriving. Ugh. God. This sucks.
Moneyline Parlay (+281)
Lions Packers Chiefs Chargers
Lions: The Lions are on a fucking tear. They run the ball like their pubes are on fire and the Bears absolutely stink at stopping the run. Plus, it's a coaching mismatch on a short week. I don't believe in Eberdoofus getting a game plan together to beat this Detroit juggernaut in just three days. Packers: It's going to be 19 degrees at kickoff in Green Bay on Thanksgiving night. The last time we saw the Dolphins on a frozen field, they looked completely hapless against the Chiefs last year in the playoffs. And that was a healthier, better version of the Dolphins. Mike McDaniel's vape clouds will be extra steamy in this one! Go Pack.
Chiefs: They dropped a poopie in Carolina last week and almost lost to Bryce Young. They won't be messing around at home against a division rival in a standalone Black Friday showdown. Mahomes will have three picks and Desmond Ridder will look like 2004 Michael Vick. But after I'm done having heart palpitations, I think KC pulls it out. Chargers: I still like the Chargers even after the loss on Monday Night Football. They are being chased down in the playoff race by the Broncos and need the game to keep pace. Give me Herbert and Harbaugh over Cousins and Morris every day of the week. As long as the Chargers can do enough to contain the run, they'll be fine.
💰 $100.00 to win $281.00
Kirk's Week 13 Picks
$712.18 available to bet this week +$612.18 last week -$10.84 for the season
Money line parlay (-117)
Lions, Packers
Could Caleb Williams impress the world and have a great day of offensive input? Could the Bears not quit on the defensive side of the ball?
Could the Dolphins somehow not suck in a winter weather game in the mecca that is Lambeau? Could Jordan Love cuck me harder than last week?
NO THINK - ONLY BET
💰 $512.18 to win $440.76
Anytime TD Scorer Parlay (+579)
David Montgomery, Josh Jacobs, DeAndre Hopkins
💰 $100.00 to win $579.41
Revenge of the Harbutt (-115)
Chargers -1.5 at Falcons
💰 $100.00 to win $86.96
Week 13 Bonus Bet
-$150.00 last week +$585.00 for the season
Here's a little Turkey Day Touchdown Treat for you.
Any Time Touchdown Parlay (+359)
Jahmyr Gibbs
Rico Dowdle
Josh Jacobs
💰 $100.00 to win $359.00
Reminder to send your comments, questions, and general mockery to hello@illandodd.com and we'll respond if we feel like it!