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Kirk and Matt get $100 each per week and go head-to-head to see who can light the most money on fire betting the NFL this season.
Welcome back to another season of Oddball! Our weekly NFL gambling competition. The rules are simple:
We each get $100 to make NFL bets every week.
We must bet the entire $100.
We'll post our picks every Thursday and recap how we did every Tuesday.
We can only bet on stuff that will be resolved during the week (no futures).
Loser must drive to the State Diner in Ithaca, NY and eat a bowl of chicken and rice soup alone.
Any profit you make in a given week can be banked and used later. Any portion of the $100 that you don't lose, cannot be used later but does count towards your overall total for the season.
Now that the rules preamble is over, let's get these picks over with so we can go back to selecting which news anchors and game show hosts we want to put in charge of the military.
Matt's Picks
$117.33 available to bet this week +$17.33 last week -$259.52 for the season
I humbly accept my nomination to the new White House cabinet.
If you hate my teasers, you're REALLY gonna hate these picks.
Talmage's Terrific Thirteen-Point Teaser 1 (-140)
Chiefs +15.5 Lions -1.0 Steelers +16.5 Rams +8.5
Chiefs: I know the Chiefs "almost lost" last week. And I know the Chiefs "don't look like" an undefeated team. But I ALSO know that they have Patrick Mahomes. And I ALSO also know that Patrick Mahomes has only failed to cover the spread as an underdog ONCE in his career, and straight up won 11 out of 14 of those games. (Let's ignore that the one loss was against Buffalo because that doesn't fit my narrative here...)
Lions: Jared Goff threw five picks last week and still won. That's how locked in the Lions have been lately. On the other side of this matchup are the train wreck Jags with a lame duck coach that almost got left in London and a fringe second-string quarterback in Mac Jones making the start. Lions will win easily.
Steelers: In Tomlin as a road underdog we trust. As mentioned last week, he is unreal in this spot (62% ATS). He is also 4-0 ATS against Lamar Jackson (3-1 straight up). The Ravens secondary is pretty awful, so I'll look for the Wilson/Pickens connection deep down the field to give them problems. Pittsburgh does enough to keep it close.
Rams: I was offended by the Rams' performance on Monday night. I may have made a few futures bets on them winning the NFC West. It's a buy low spot for them after a tough outing and a sell high spot for the Patriots who looked better than they are against a Bears team in turmoil. If the Rams are serious, they win this game.
💰 $70.00 to win $50.00
Talmage's Terrific Thirteen-Point Teaser 2 (-140)
Packers +7.5 Browns +12.0 Falcons +15.5 Chargers +11.5
Packers: I just mentioned the "Bears team in turmoil". Are we really expecting Matt Eberflus to outcoach Matt LaFleur in a division rivalry game? I'm not. Jordan Love has been a little inconsistent playing through injury. But Caleb Williams has been A LOT inconsistent playing through a shitty offense line and shittier play calling.
Browns: The Browns are coming off of a bye and have finally had some time to adjust to Jameis Winston under center. They'll also have a much healthier version of Nick Chubb at running back to complement their offense. On the flip side, the Saints just won their "new coach bounce" game and I expect them to go back to being terrible.
Falcons: The Broncos will be the heavily bet side in this game by all of the square bettors who just watched them "almost win" against the Chiefs. Meanwhile, the Falcons just dropped one to the crappy Saints. But listen, this is a 13-point teaser. The Falcons are getting 15.5 points. Bo Nix is not beating anyone decent by two touchdowns.
Chargers: Let's keep riding the red hot Chargers who have 3 consecutive double-digit wins. The Bengals will be the stiffest offensive competition they've played in a while, but news flash: the Bengals are NOT good. They are 4-6 and I have a big bet on them to go under 10.5 wins. A loss to the Chargers will cash that ticket for me, so let's fucking go!
💰 $42.00 to win $30.00
Matt's Miserable Moneyline Parlay (+737)
Titans Colts
Titans: The Titans suck. Will Levis sucks. This team is miserable. Why would anyone bet on them against the vaunted Brian Flores defense in Minnesota? I don't know! For funsies? Sam Darnold has looked flat out BAD for the Vikings lately, as I predicted he would to start the season. Took nine weeks, but he turned back into a pumpkin.
Colts: The Colts suck. Richardson sucks. This team can't make up it's mind. Why would anyone bet on them against a desperate Jets team that has one last shot to save their season? I'll tell ya why! Because the season is O-V-E-R for the J-E-T-S. This team has straight up Q-U-I-T. Hate to break it to Tyrod, but we'll be seeing him play in this one.
💰 $5.33 to win $39.28
Tyrod's Take
ay yo, what up ill crew? it's ya boy tyrod comin at ya this week from the meadowlands once again. speakin of wetlands, i can see musk and ramaswarmy drainin the swamp outside my window as we speak. appointin not one, but two guys to run the department of government efficiency might be funny to some, but it's alarmin to me. i hope coach ulbrich doesn't get any ideas about usin two quarterbacks to run the jets offense more efficiently. i just downloaded the first season of english teacher on my tablet and i wanna watch it before the incomin secretary of education (and friend of the site) kid rock bans it.
alls that to say, i really hope i don't have to play this week. when aaron went into the blue tent on sunday in arizona, talmage started blowin up my phone and briefly got #tyrodtime trendin on threads. but thankfully he seems to be okay. if that changes, i'll have to resign my post and become attorney general before any of my locker room behavior with the underage interns becomes public. ah shit, i've already said too much.
just one more loss, err... week... to get through before the bye. i don't know about ya two mofos, but tyrod sure could use a vacation. all of the bickerin and fumblin and facism and firin and ivermectin has really been exhaustin. that's why next week i'm headin out on a carnival cruise for 5 days and 4 nights. the boat leaves outta bayonne on monday mornin, so all aaron has to do is make it past our game against the colts unscathed and it'll be nothin but smooth sailin, bingo games, variety shows, sunbathin, and midnight buffets for ya boy. i plan on drinkin so many mai tais i start mixin myself up with jacoby brissett, just like matt's uncle jack.
irregardless, let's get some winnin bets on the board this week, gentlemen. and no more fightin with each other in the group chat. me and tom are tired of feelin like daddy just hit mommy at the dinner table. be good little emos, tuck ya tails between ya legs, and bury the hatchet. it's tryin times out there, amigos. let's quit turnin on our own people worse than the democratic establishment and shit. peace!
Kirk's Picks
$100.00 available to bet this week -$100.00 last week -$523.02. for the season
I've lost over $500 for the first time this season! Pretty good for week 11 if you think about it.
And I've been back in the lab running the numbers after my setback last week.
I've built the next optimal parlay that will hopefully not be cursed by The Football Gods. I think I've angered them by attempting to not talk about them out of reverence, but as their voice I failed like a moron. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
This is my real 'One Time' Parlay (+569)
Packers -5.5, Vikings -5.5, Dolphins -7.0
I realized what was wrong with last weeks parlay. The last leg was a later slate and allowed my stress, anxiety, and of course rage, to boil to such an extent that I ruined watching yet another Eagles game for my wife.
I threw myself down on the altar of forgiveness and will again attempt to not bet on the Birds.
This week I'm taking all 1PM games so there will be no build up to jubilation, or most likely, tragedy.
Also I'm taking all three favorites against three dogshit teams (Bears, Titans, Raiders).
(me)
I'm worried about each of these picks but fuck it, I need to keep taking shots to catch up and build a bank where I can really go nuts. Like, totally, unstably, NUTS.
I may have said I forgave Matt for his past transgressions but I lied and really I'm using it to fuel my hate fire. My fire is hot, and I hope the flames of this anger will burn the non believers.
Have a great week!
💰 $100.00 to win $569.00
Bonus Bet
-$100.00 last week +$835.00 for the season
Two good, competitive, divisional Thursday Night Football games in a row. Wow! Al Michaels might actually wake up from his coma. Let's cash a nice same gamer tonight, shall we?
Kirk has been busy cooking the books or whatever he does during his day job. So we might not post this until after kickoff. But I'm screenshotting it here and posting to Threads for the record. Fuck off, Elon!
Same Game Parlay (+345)
Saquon Barkley anytime touchdown
Zach Ertz over 3.5 receptions
Terry McLaurin 50+ receiving yards
Jalen Hurts 1+ passing touchdown
💰 $100.00 to win $345.00
Reminder to send your comments, questions, and general mockery to hello@illandodd.com and we'll respond if we feel like it!