Nov 186 min read

Oddball: Week 11 NFL Recap

Matt bet on every team and somehow made $2. Kirk got kicked in the nuts by Jordan Love and has started mapping his route to Ithaca.

Oddball is our weekly NFL gambling competition where we each get $100 every week and try to outdo each other. The loser has to drive to the State Diner in Ithaca, NY and eat a bowl of chicken and rice soup alone. Let's take a look at how we did this week!

Matt's Picks

$117.33 wagered $2.67 won -$256.85 for the season

HOLY FUCKING SHIT WHAT A WEEK!

I made TWO FUCKING DOLLARS and SIXTY-SEVEN FUCKING CENTS! When someone writes the definitive historical non-fiction account of legalized online gambling, they'll definitely be including a chapter or two about my performance this week.

Talmage's Terrific Thirteen-Point Teaser 1 (-140)

Chiefs +15.5 ✅ Lions -1.0 ✅ Steelers +16.5 ✅ Rams +8.5 ✅

Chiefs: Kansas City's black magic finally ran out in Buffalo. This was an entertaining game that came down to an awesome Josh Allen touchdown run on 4th & 2. It's endlessly entertaining/painful that this was the only game where I actually needed the teaser. I could have just bet all four of these games against the spread, went 3-1, and made slightly more money. I'm not very good at this!

Lions: This was a flat out curb stomping. Their margin of victory was almost as steep as my current lead over Kirk in this contest. God, the Jaguars are a fucking disaster. They must hate Coach Butters so much. The rumors were that this was going to be his last game and his team responded by giving up a touchdown on seven consecutive drives to start the game. Woof!

Steelers: I'm not really sure how the Steelers are 8-2. They didn't score a single touchdown (again) and beat the NFL's second-highest scoring team. Tomlin is getting scarily close to going significantly better than .500 which completely goes against everything he stands for. All I know is this — it's going to be super fun betting against Russell Wilson in the playoffs.

Rams: The Rams rebounded from the dump they took on Monday Night Football by taking care of business against the surprisingly feisty Patriots. As mentioned, after they beat the Vikings in Week 8, I made some dumb bets on the Rams to win the NFC West (+390), the NFC (+2800), and the Super Bowl (+6000). The NFL website currently has their odds of making the playoffs at 15%. Am I an idiot or a genius? Don't answer that!

✅ Won $50.00

Talmage's Terrific Thirteen-Point Teaser 2 (-140)

Packers +7.5 ✅

Browns +12.0 ❌

Falcons +15.5 ❌

Chargers +11.5 ✅

Packers: Blank sheet of computer paper Jordan Love tried really hard to lose this game, but Matt Eberdoofus had other ideas. After the Bears offense put on a surprisingly competent performance all game, he decided to play it safe in the waning minutes — intentionally wasting 35 seconds and settling for a 48-yard field goal from Cairo Santos which was promptly blocked.

Browns: I was so excited when Jameis Winston took over as the Browns quarterback. I really thought he would inject some excitement and positivity onto the shores of Lake Erie. Unfortunately for Cleveland fans, Lake Erie has no native species of crab. That means no crab legs for Jameis, who looks clearly depleted. In his defense, he did put up 395 yards and 2 touchdowns which is better than the 8-2 Steelers have done all season.

Falcons: Once again the NFC South is basically unwatchable. It seemed like maybe the new-look Falcons were rounding into shape with two big wins over the Bucs in October, but they were a complete no-show on Sunday. And yet somehow a team that just lost by 32 points to Bo Nix is still a -410 favorite to win their division. That is gross. I might have to spite bet the Bucs +400 or Saints +3000.

Chargers: The Chargers really wanted to Charger this one, blowing a 24-point third quarter lead to Joe "Slim Shady" Burrow and Zac "Out of Office" Taylor. Truth be told, I had a few too many glasses of Chianti and fell asleep at halftime. In the morning, my hungover brain stared at the Bengals drive chart for an hour before it could believe they had THREE failed drives after the two-minute warning. That's pretty hard to do. For those keeping track at home, that cashed my under win total bet on the Bengals.

❌ Lost $42.00

Matt's Miserable Moneyline Parlay (+737)

Titans ❌

Colts ✅

My Uncle Jack had to chime in on this one.

You put money on two teasers and a moneyline parlay involving Will Pelvis and wonder why your in the red? Holy moly, I'm gonna start calling you Karmela Kalshi. That tall bearded clod you hang out with had another gem of a parlay too. Hammermill Love really jammed things up for him at Soldier Field. Which is a shame because they're just gonna let Jared Goof and his merry band of enablers run away with the NFC North. It doesn't matter how many felony counts of cyberbullying he accumulates or how many ethical norms he violates, people are gonna give him their MVP votes anyway. How are we normalizing this? Have you seen how this guy treats women? He snuck into Tony from the plant's niece's dorm room at Cal and took a screenshot of her desktop, set it as the background, and hid all of the icons and the taskbar. Then he turned on her webcam and live streamed her to the whole school as she clicked around frantically trying to open her programs. Now the only program she will open is her Better Help app! After my blood pressure recovered from watching that sorry jabroni kill the Jaguars, I tried relaxing in my recliner with a big platter of wings for the Buffalo game. Two seconds after I sat down, you're cousin Colin sauntered in with some kind of quinoa bowl — a sorry excuse for a lunch that looked like someone puked up a pile of rocks and weeds. He tried telling me that MY lunch was 'unsustainable'. You know what's unsustainable you stinking hippie? A man spending his Sunday being lectured by a grown adult in a tie-dyed T-shirt. Ronald Reagan didn’t cut taxes so you could spend your life eating bird seed and whining about the ozone layer. He rolled his eyes at me, which I assume is woke speak for "you're absolutely right, dad". You'd think if you're cousin was so concerned about the environment he'd get out in the backyard and start chopping firewood for the winter like I told him to! Instead he whines about CO2 destroying the earth. Yeah? And smartphones are destroying families, Colin! But you don’t see me complaining every time you start texting your hashtags like a caffeinated squirrel. You spend all day in you're room looking at TikTacs of AOC powering a lightbulb with her farts. I guess that's why you're eyes are always so red! Anyways, by the time I finished chasing him around the house with my belt, the game was over and Susie had finished her Suduku puzzle long enough to throw my wings in the trash. I guess it's another nice plate of tilapia that's been steamed like a cheap suit for me tonight. Great! Sundays used to stand for something in this country. A sacred day for football, wings, and good ol' American peace and quiet. Now? Everybody's up my ass deeper than Biden's IRS — relentless and utterly without joy. Kind of like watching you're New York Giants play football. PS: Let me know if your coming over for Thanksgiving this year. Colin wants to know how much quinoa he should buy.

❌ Lost $5.33

Kirk's Picks

$100.00 wagered $100.00 lost -$623.02 for the season

This is my real 'One Time' Parlay (+569)

Packers -5.5 ❌

Vikings -5.5 ✅

Dolphins -7.0 ✅

My Dearest Jordan Love,

I write to you again from the front lines of our effort in the war. Although the struggle we have seen these past two years is the worst of it, we all saw this coming for some time.

The fighting is fierce, and each day, more men are broken and bloodied, and left to die and writhe in the dirt calling out for their mothers. My courage has often given way to fear, and anger, only to be uplifted by my brothers in arms. We all are dying here together. Each moment that passes bleeds into one, and all I know, is that I will never make no sense of it.

We take the solace we can in the little moments. The little reminders that elsewhere, far from this wretched place, there is beauty to behold and to love.

Somewhere, a man and woman bump into each other in a busy intersection and both spill their coffees in a meet-cute.

Somewhere, a child takes its first steps into its mothers loving embrace.

Somewhere, there's a gambler who hasn't taken a chance on you only for you to fucking blow the spread with turnovers and failed goal line attempts over, and over, and over again. My god, the fucking Bears?

Yours Truly, and Forever,

Cucked

❌ Lost $100.00

Bonus Bet

-$100.00 last week +$735.00 for the season

Don't worry, we'll keep firing away on these.

Same Game Parlay (+345)

Saquon Barkley anytime touchdown ✅
Zach Ertz over 3.5 receptions ✅
Terry McLaurin 50+ receiving yards ❌
Jalen Hurts 1+ passing touchdown ❌