Oddball: Week 13 NFL Recap

Dec 4, 20245 min read

After months of turning Sunday afternoons into a masterclass in creative financial losses, Kirk and Matt finally BOTH cash in the same week.

Oddball is our weekly NFL gambling competition where we each get $100 every week and try to outdo each other. The loser has to drive to the State Diner in Ithaca, NY and eat a bowl of chicken and rice soup alone. Let's take a look at how we did this week!

Matt's Picks

$100.00 wagered $281.00 won -$78.52 for the season

It was nice getting my mojo back by hitting an almost 3-to-1 shot in this competition and going 5-0 against the spread during Sunday's Red Zone slate. I would be a lot more excited about what was a very successful gambling weekend, except that I somehow fell even further behind in the race to avoid Ithaca. Because Kirk "borrowed" a few of my picks and had a larger bankroll due to my Week 12 disaster, he entered the week with a $349 lead and finished the week with a $495 lead. I have petitioned incoming Secretary of Gambling Phil Mickelson for clemency, but he has chosen to certify the results of the contest anyway. Stop the steal!

Moneyline Parlay (+281)

Lions ✅ Packers ✅ Chiefs ✅ Chargers ✅

Lions: One thing that I am extremely thankful for this year is Matt Eberdoofus. I haven't made very many winning wagers this season, but betting against the Bears has been pretty profitable. Eberdoofus finished his career with an absolute boner of a time management decision, got called out by his players in the locker room, was thrust up on the podium to answer questions from the media, and then promptly was fired. That might be an even worse Thanksgiving than the time my Cousin Colin wore a "Meat is Murder" t-shirt to Uncle Jack's dinner table. Anyway, thanks for the memories, Eberdoofus. Your 21-25 record against the spread will be remembered fondly.

Packers: Isn't great when gambling goes exactly how you expect it to go? We've been waiting three months to bet against the Dolphins in cold weather and finally got the perfect opportunity. Honestly, I was so lost with my picks after Week 12 that I almost did the George Costanza and picked the Dolphins. The Packers seemed so obvious that it actually started to scare me. But even scarier was watching Tua take five sacks onto the frozen turf at Lambeau Field. Maybe Mike McDoofus needs to stop vaping and buying NFTs and start figuring out a way to get his offensive line to play better. I was excited about the Dolphins this season, but now I'm just offended.

Chiefs: I was watching the end of this game in an airport lounge with my wife and kids as we journeyed home from Thanksgiving. I didn't want them to witness my mental breakdown when the Chiefs ruined my parlay, so I pretended to have stomach issues and watched the last two minutes on my phone while sitting in a bathroom stall. At least if I needed to throw up or shit myself I'd be in a convenient location. A huge thank you to Daniel Carlson for missing three kicks, including one with two minutes left. And an even bigger thank you to the refs for calling an illegal shift and gifting the Chiefs a win in the waning seconds. Sorry to the guy that was waiting to use the stall I was in.

Chargers: So far Matt Eberdoofus, Mike McDoofus, and Doofus Carlson are on my Mount Rushmore of gambling this week for doing their part to win this parlay for me. But now I have to thank perhaps the MVP of the weekend, Mr. Kirk Cousins. Just a legendary performance from him — 4 picks, 1 pick six, a fumble, and a sack. The Chargers didn't do jack shit all game and definitely should have lost, but we got away with it. Despite the poor play from both the Chargers and the Falcons, it's still very possible both of these teams will make the playoffs. I look forward to betting against the heavily in the Wild Card round.

✅ Won $281.00

Kirk's Picks

$712.18 wagered $427.72 won +$416.88 for the season

Matt is in a mind prison right now getting railed up his pooper, and I'm the one who put him there. It's inconceivable to him that I strung two back to back winning weeks together. Immediately he's saying I stole the election, I mean the picks, and that life isn't fair. Too bad Matt! My parlay's finally paid off and gave me the leverage I needed!

Fuck you Matt!

Moneyline Parlay (-117)

Lions ✅ Packers ✅

5th Year Red Shirt Jordan Loves, 30 - Dead Fish, 17
This was the easy pick of the, day, month, even year? Winter weather, plus a Dolphins team that immediately wishes they were playing grab ass on some yachts off Miami Beach instead of getting embarrassed on Turkey day? Easy.
Lions, 23 - Bears, 20
As Matt covered, the old coach of the Bears, Dooferflus, turned his brain off and didn't call a timeout as his team scrambled to tie or win. He looked like I do when I've had 100 beers and my friends are saying "Hey man, you good? That penne vodka looks good I'm sure you'll bounce back" and I stare through them as I don't see time or space anymore.
What people can't understand is that my sister, who graciously hosted Thanksgiving, had to come over and say "please calm down you asshole" as the first leg in my sure thing bet was teetering on the edge of disaster. It's not my fault that football trumps family! I don't make the rules! I kept my cursing to a minimum and only made two people cry!

✅ Won $440.76

Anytime TD Scorer Parlay (+579)

David Montgomery ❌ Josh Jacobs ✅ DeAndre Hopkins ❌

❌ Lost $100.00

Revenge of the Harbutt (-115)

Chargers -1.5 at Falcons

Matt covered most of this game and the fact that the fault largely falls on Kirk Cousins. People are rightly lambasting him as being only one step up from Aaron Rodgers as far as old man mobility is concerned, but something is overlooked.

The Chargers, namely that 'offense', looked like total ass.

Winning a game 17-13 when you scored 7 of those points off a pick six, is, bad.

I can't believe how awful they were! I look forward to watching these guys choke a fat one in the playoffs. I salivate at the opportunity to bet against them as much as the Texans. Bunch of frauds.

They don't know ball (just like our 'friend' Tom).

✅ Won $86.96

Bonus Bet

-$100.00 last week +$485.00 for the season

We're really trying to fuck this up and lose money on the season. Stay tuned for our next questionable decision!

Any Time Touchdown Parlay (+359)

Jahmyr Gibbs ❌
Rico Dowdle ✅
Josh Jacobs ✅