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Drew Lock crapped on Matt's Christmas tree, shat on the Giants draft position, wiped his butt with the Constitution, and punted a box of kittens into the stands.
Oddball is our weekly NFL gambling competition where we each get $100 every week and try to outdo each other. The loser has to drive to the State Diner in Ithaca, NY and eat a bowl of chicken and rice soup alone. Let's take a look at how we did this week!
Matt's Week 17 Recap
$100.00 wagered -$100.00 lost +$134.48 for the season
I'm in a dark place. Two weeks in a row I narrowly lost a long shot parlay that would have brought me within striking distance of catching Kirk. Two weeks ago, I was forced to watch Aidan O'Connell out duel Mac Jones to sink me. Then on Sunday, I had to watch my beloved New York Football Giants shoot themselves in the dick by beating the Colts, wrecking my parlay, and falling out of the top of the draft board.
I'll have a lot of time to reflect on this on my drive to Ithaca as I play Enya's greatest hits and sob uncontrollably.
WTF Else Am I Gonna Do? ML Parlay (+958)
Chiefs ✅ Seahawks ✅ Bengals ✅ Colts ❌ Bucs ✅ Dolphins ✅ Rams ✅
Did I survive the worst Thursday Night Football game in history because the Bears can't manage the clock no matter who is coaching? Yes.
Did I somehow survive unknowingly putting Snoop Huntley in a parlay? Yes.
Did the Bengals almost lost their game seven different times in the last seven minutes of regulation only to somehow pull it out of their butt for me? Yes.
All of this happened and yet somehow I lost because the Giants can't do anything right. Including tank.
Here's a miraculous stat:
Drew Lock became just the 5th player in the fucking history of the fucking NFL with 300+ passing yards, 4+ passing touchdowns, a rushing touchdown, and a 155+ passer rating in a game. He joins Hall of fucking Famers Aaron Rodgers, Drew Brees, Josh Allen, and Ryan Fitzpatrick.
He also had a +1.18 EPA per play which was the 6th-highest in an NFL game since 1999 and the BEST New York Giants game in terms of EPA of all fucking time.
Bad beat?
❌ Lost $100.00
Kirk's Week 17 Recap
$205.03 wagered $604.97 won +$2,019.00 for the season
After this past week of football, I felt I should probably pop on up to check on my old friend Matt and see how he's doing.
He seemed exhausted and wasn't thrilled to see me for some reason, and yes, I was offended!
Lamar is real, CJ Stroud is fake (-110)
Ravens -5.5
I truly do believe in the balance of all things. Without trying to sound totally off my rocker best I can describe it as energy put into the universe has a chance for reward, or for repercussions.
Again, I call your attention to Mr. CJ Stroud who 'big dogged' Caleb Williams after the Texans week two 19-13 defeat of the Bears.
Again, keep in mind, CJ Stroud is only a second-year player.
The cosmos is unyielding in delivering karma dispassionately. It does not care, good, bad, it dispenses it all the same.
Ever since that moment the cosmos has made sure CJ Stroud plays like straight up ass. It is the way of things.
And since Mr. Strouds grievance was so significant the entire team around him is playing as equally poor. All who associate with him are to be punished.
Please note this bet cashed due the Ravens pimp slapping the Texans back into their hole. The sign above said hole says "we are playoff frauds, please manhandle us harshly if we stick our undeserving, ugly faces out in public".
Ravens 31 - Texans 2
✅ Won $90.91
Keep Foot On Gas Parlay (+489)
Bills -9.5, Sushi -6.5, Detroit Lions Moneyline
My hero. My prince.
I honestly love this dude.
The difference between this guy and other 'football guys' is that he is the perfect leader. He uplifts the culture and the people around him. He takes blame when it is due. He falls on his sword if his team underperforms. He is consistent. He is aggressive. He loves his players as people.
He must have known I had this parlay hanging in the balance and I'm sure looked in the mirror and said, "hell yeah we're playing our starters, and you know what man, we're going to kick these guys straight in the mouth".
The Lions pulled out all the tricks and won a surprisingly competitive game against the 49ers. The Niners, who have looked like dookie for weeks, attempted to 'show up and show out' now in an attempt to have a consolation prize for missing the playoffs. Too bad for them the Lions offense played absolute perfect ball. A banged-up defense didn't matter.
Detroit 40 - Sad Kyle Shanihans 34
Oh yea, I almost forgot about the other two legs of the bet as my blood was still pumping so much from that game.
The Bills destroyed the Jets 40-14. They were up 40-0 before Aaron Rodgers, who had his worst start ever in the NFL, was pulled for friend of the site Tyrod who had two touchdown drives. We're happy for you Tyrod! Please get off this team and away from future cult leader and inventive whiner Arod.
The Dolphins won 20-3 against the worst QB in the league in DTR and I refused to pay attention to it or watch a single second of the suck fest it must have been with Tua not starting for the Dolphins.
These were easy bets, why am I not betting my mortgage payments on these? Am I a moron?
✅ Won $514.06
Week 17 Bonus Bet Recap
-$100.00 last week +$85.00 for the season
Who the fuck put this parlay together!
It's Christmas and Shit TD Parlay (+1491)
Noah Gray ATD ❌
Derrick Henry ATD ✅
Zach Charbonnet ATD ❌
❌ Lost $100.00
Matt's Week 18 Picks
$100.00 available to bet this week -$100.00 last week +$134.48 for the season
Not much to say here. Need a miracle. So here it is... the last gasp...
The Bengals Will Make the Playoffs Parlay (+1868)
Bengals ML Chiefs ML Jets ML
This would be funny for a few reasons.
The first is that I've shit on the Bengals constantly. All throughout our preseason content I trolled Joe Burrow's haircut, wrist injury, and dopey fashion choices. I bet heavily on their season win total under (cashed that already, thank you very much). I even called TripAdvisor to get some beach resort recommendations for Zac Taylor since he doesn't seem to come back from his summer vacation until around November every year. Speaking of Zac Taylor, I texted Kirk during his clock management meltdown against the Broncos that I'd never bet on him again. So naturally, I have to bet on him again because I never learn my lesson. And let's face it, there are no better ultra-long-shot-parlays to select this week.
This bet would also be funny because it relies on the Chiefs beating the Broncos even though they've had the AFC 1-Seed locked up since like Halloween. Kirk's old friend Carson Wentz will be the starter, so it'll be great if he comes out and crushes it. It seems like the Chiefs are resting literally everyone you've ever heard of, whereas the Broncos will be desperate in a "win and you're in" scenario. So I can't say I love my chances here... but stranger things have happened in the NFL. You know, like Drew Lock turning into 2007 Tom Brady for no reason last week.
And finally, we're going to need the Jets to beat the Dolphins. Which means I have to root for Aaron Rodgers to do well. Which I don't want to do. At all. I was REALLY REALLY hoping that friend-of-the-site Tyrod Taylor would get the nod after his two touchdown performance in relief last week, but it looks like Gang Green is going to be stubborn and stick with the ayahuasca-addled, geriatric, immobile anti-vaxer at QB. Too bad.
I texted Tyrod to suggest that he pull a Tonya Harding and hire someone to impersonate the team doctor and stab Aaron in the lung so he can get the start. He texted me back:
talmage ya better not put that stupid shit in writin. they check our phones now after deflategate. besides, i told ya i'm too busy catchin up on 'harry potter: wizards of bakin' to do much of anythin this week. only one more week to go, then i'm takin my woman down to myrtle beach for two weeks of fun in the sun. thanks for the orgeat syrup ya put in my stockin. ya know tyrod is gonna be makin a ton of mai tais come monday mornin. have fun in ithaca!
💰 $100.00 to win $1868.00
Kirk's Week 18 Picks
$704.97 available to bet this week +$604.97 last week +$2,019.00 for the season
Well, with the competition in the bag barring divine intervention from The Football Gods, it's time to sit on my cash and only bet modestly.
Hahaha, fuck that!
With this being week 18 most TD parlays/player props are not yet available on FanDuel so we're going to have to get inventive. I'm so deep in the black this year even after I shoot this shot into the god damned Sun, I'll be buying the drinks come the next guys trip.
PS: To confirm to our readers, I bet every single dollar represented in this column. Please do not contact me about gamblers anonymous, I have the # blocked.
PPS: To my wife, yes I did deposit a chunk of my balance into our bank account, babe I promise it'll clear in the morning, please come back with the kids. I love you all.
We're Gonna Beat The Fuck Out Of These Guys Parlay (+627)
Ravens -17.5, Bucs -13.5, Packers -10.5
I looked at the slate for week 18 and I said, "man some of these teams are going to get fucked up on Sunday". And yes, the Ravens play Saturday, but I only realized that later and since we're talking about my internal monologue, it wouldn't make sense to write both. YUSE YOUR HEADS.
I think it's going to be a delightful weekend of good teams smacking around their weak, inferior opponents. Doesn't matter that not all the teams need to win and be in. Doesn't matter if some of these teams aren't playing all their starters.
All 3 are playing at home and all 3 of their opponent's suck.
Cheers to the last week of the regular season and the final reckoning for all the losers that get to pack their shit and go home in shame.
💰 $100.00 to win $627.71
Make Me Rich (+20000)
Correct Score, Chargers 20 - Raiders 3
As soon as I logged in to the FanDuel app to make a 4 or 5 way TD parlay I was left with a blank screen. I almost forgot it was week 18 and shit is wild.
I clicked scores and that old temptress, 'Correct Score' wagers flashed in front of me.
Why not? Why not me? I'm on the heater of my fucking life. So, let's pick a shitty matchup with two sad teams. One sad because they're always sad, and the other sad because Jim Harbutt isn't actually their real dad.
💰 $100.00 to win $20,000.00
Let's Have Some Fun (+267)
Giants/Eagles Over 37.5, Bills/Patriots Over 37.5
💰 $504.97 to win $1,351.69
Week 18 Bonus Bet
-$100.00 last week +$85.00 for the season
We're going to pair up a few players who have big contract incentives to play for in Week 18. Mike Evans needs 85 yards to cash a $3 million bonus. Geno Smith is 185 passing yards away from a $2 million bonus. And Courtland Sutton needs 82 more yards to get his $2 million incentive. Week 18 is tough to predict how motivated certain teams will be, but a few extra million still makes these guys play hard.
Player Prop Parlay (+516)
Mike Evans over 99.5 receiving yards
Courtland Sutton over 73.5 receiving yards
Geno Smith over 245.5 passing yards
💰 $85.00 to win $439.41
Reminder to send your comments, questions, and general mockery to hello@illandodd.com and we'll respond if we feel like it!