Oddball: Week 5 NFL Bets

Kirk and Matt get $100 each per week and go head-to-head to see who can light the most money on fire betting the NFL this season.

Kirk looks to build on a successful performance last week, while Matt is trying to rebound and stop crying about baseball. Let's dive into the Week 5 slate.

Our rules are simple:

• Each of us gets $100 to bet every week.

• We must bet the entire $100.

• Picks go up Thursday, recaps on Tuesday.

• Only bets that resolve that week (no futures).

• Loser does the TB12 diet for a week

Any weekly profit can be banked and rolled forward. Any portion of the $100 you don’t lose stays in your total, but you can’t reuse it.

Now that the rules preamble is over, let’s get to the picks — and see how many games Matt will bet $11 on to win $10.

Matt's Picks

$100 available to bet this week -$134.69 last week -$37.07 for the season

Ailments are spreading through the NFL faster than a Joe Biden deepfake moves through my Uncle Jack's Facebook page. The injury report for Week 5 looks like Taranis got absolutely hammered and ran over his collection of voodoo dolls with a car. Because of that, it's making it a bit hard to handicap these games. Maybe I should take a week off and go apple picking.

Just kidding. That sounds awful. Too many bees. Let's make some bets.

6-Point Teaser (-134)

Rams -2.5 Cardinals -2.5

I usually steer clear of the Thursday night game—unless you count torching hundreds of dollars on same-game parlays and, for some reason, calling them “Bonus Bets.” But tonight feels different. Taranis has once again unleashed a merciless crusade against his old foe, Kyle Shanahan. The 49ers are staring down life without (deep breath) Brandon Aiyuk, Nick Bosa, Jauan Jennings, George Kittle, Ricky Pearsall, and Brock Purdy. That leaves them scrambling to cobble together a short-week game plan for a backup quarterback who won’t have a single top target available.

The only thing that keeps me from laying the full 8.5 is how easy it looks. Everyone and their uncle (hey Jack) is going to be on the Rams, and Thursday nights always find a way to get weird. I wouldn’t be shocked if San Francisco hangs around early — maybe even because the Rams don’t take them seriously out of the gate. But eventually, the talent gap shows, the clamps come down, and McVay pulls away. I’ll tease them under a field goal and live with it.

Oh, and I’ll take the Cardinals because the Titans are flat-out ass. Arizona never beats anyone good, but they live for bullying the bottom feeders. It’s the perfect setup for Kyler Murray to flash just enough plays to get everyone saying, “maybe this is the year!” before the inevitable crash back to reality.

💰$40.00 to win $30.00

Moneyline Parlay (-129)

Vikings Lions

I usually stay away from the London games, but I’ll make an exception here. Brian Flores has had two weeks to get his defense synced to the timezone, and now they get to feast on Dillon Gabriel in his first career start for the Browns. Look for Isaiah Rodgers to have a big day with at least one pick.

And for a little extra spice, let’s toss in the Lions. Their offense is still one of the most entertaining shows in football, and now they’re matched up with a Bengals defense that’s been burping up yards like Uncle Jack after two chili dogs at the county fair.

💰$40.00 to win $31.23

Texans -1.5

Straight up ATS (-115)

The Ravens are decimated by injuries, with Lamar Jackson sidelined and multiple defensive stars missing. Houston’s biggest flaw (pass protection) may not even show up here, since Baltimore’s pass rush is about as bland as my Cousin Colin's quinoa salad without Justin Madubuike in the lineup. That gives C.J. Stroud the breathing room to find his playmakers, while rookie Woody Marks adds some badly needed balance against a Ravens front that’s being held together with reduced sodium almond butter.

Given the Texans’ habit of keeping games within one score, they look like the sharper side against a hobbled Baltimore squad. At this point, it’s shaping up to be a complete year from hell for the Ravens — less like a Super Bowl run and more like Ziggy’s Season 2 meltdown in The Wire. Maybe we'll even see a duck on the field this week.

💰$20.00 to win $17.39

Kirk's Picks

$187.24 available to bet this week +$87.24 last week -$112.76 for the season

Decent week 4 in the books but I'm bored and short on time. That can only mean one thing.

Ok I'll Dip My Toe In (+282)

Ravens +1.5, Detroit Lions -10.5

💰$87.24 to win $246.86

You Have My Attention (+601)

Cowboys -2.5, Buccaneers +3, Chargers -2.5

💰$50.00 to win $300.87

indiscriminate yelling (+1115)

Lions 1st Quarter Spread -2.5, Lions 2nd Quarter Spread -3.5, Lions 3rd Quarter Spread -2.5, Lions 4th Quarter Spread -2.5,

💰$50.00 to win $557.79

Bonus Bet

$100.00 available to bet this week -$100.00 last week -$300.00 for the season

Note: Not part of the weekly totals. This is a brotherhood bet, a ritual sacrifice to Taranis so he doesn't smite us both.

Calling in our one time! Early in the season but shit, lets get out of this hole.

Touchdown Parlay (+456)

• Breece Hall ATS

• Chuba Hubbard ATS

• David Montgomery

💰 $100.00 to win $456.79

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