Oddball: Week 9 Recap

FanDuel has officially repossessed this website.

Oddball is our weekly NFL gambling competition where we each get $100 every weekend and try to outdo each other. The loser has to do the TB12 diet for a week. Let's see how we did in Week 9.

Matt's Picks

$143.33 wagered -$143.33 lost +$111.50 for the season

I've been losing money on dumb football bets long enough to know within about 30 minutes whether it's going to be a bad day or a complete disaster. Week 9 set a new record by being officially deemed a catastrophe by 1:16 PM. Just an absolute debacle. This was my day in a nutshell:

I'm still sick to my stomach, so I'll be turning the rest of this recap over to Uncle Jack.

Chargers (-9.5)

Straight Up ATS (-110)

Wowza, I'm sure glad you're Aunt Susie didn't see me looking at that picture you posted of Justin Herbstreit's girlfriend last week. That was some getup she had on! Clearly, this game was influenced by two much hanky panky the night before. Their's no other way to explain why the Chargers would have such a hard time beating the dopey Oilers! It certainly didn't help that both of Herbstreit's tackles left the game with injuries, but if he wasn't so depleted, he would have been able to outrun the defense more effectively. I know when Susie and I first got married, I could barely muster a brisk walk until at least our first anniversary. Nowadays? Boy, I'd have the stamina to run a marathon if it wasn't for my gosh danged back. Those years at the plant busting my hump with Tony and the fellas really did a number on me. Moral of the story? Next time, keep it in your pants until the bye week!

❌ Lost $44.00

Lions (-8.5)

Straight Up ATS (-112)

I used to think karma was something Colin's hippie friends made up to sell incense online, but after watching the Lions yesterday, I think it's sweeter than liberal tears in my morning cup of coffee. That no-good cyberbully Jared Goof got beat like a woke protestor blocking a highway. The Vikings head coach might look like a dweeb, but he had that J.J. McIntosh kid playing some decent enough ball. Decent enough is how I wish Jared Goof would have behaved when he was going to Cal — instead of mercilessly teasing my friend Tony from the plant's niece. Now, nothing makes me laugh harder than watching his tiny hands lose you too jokers money. Goof once set Tony from the plant's niece's home page to some abomination called Meatspin. Lucky for him, the Vikings defense put his manhood in a blender of their own yesterday. Yessir, I'm really starting to like this karma mumbo jumbo.

❌ Lost $44.80

Packers (-13.5)

Straight Up ATS (-110)

Hammermill Love strikes again! That blank sheet of computer paper must not be getting enough oxygen to his brain. It's probably from all of that vaping and blowing on his saxophone. He probably gives Jared Goof a discount on the reams of glossy 8.5 x 11 so the too of them can photocopy pictures of they're hairy rear ends and fax them to Tony's niece. What a joke. This guy's contract is a bigger waste of money than the shiny rocks Colin orders on eBay to balance his chakras. If the FedEx guy makes me sign for one more of those packages, I'll shove those crystals so far up his rear end that not even Hammermill's fax machine could see them. Congratulations to the Packers for becoming the first team to never punt, give up less than 103 yards passing to the opposing quarterback, and lose at home. And they did it while being favored by too touchdowns. What a disaster!

❌ Lost $44.80

Same Game Parlay (+657)

Chiefs Alternate Spread (-13.5) & Rashee Rice Anytime Touchdown

I didn't care for the new Taylor Swift album. I'm more of a 'Red' era.

❌ Lost $9.73

Kirk's Picks

$100.00 wagered -$100.00 lost -$600.00 for the season

I am unstoppable force.

Big Burley Men Parlay (+269)

Patriots -5.5, Lions -8.5

FUCK FUCK FUCK, THEY'RE TRYING TO MAKE IT LOOK FAKE!

❌ Lost $100.00

Bonus Bet

$100.00 wagered -$100.00 lost -$429.86 for the season

Note: Not part of the weekly totals. This is a brotherhood bet, a ritual sacrifice to Taranis so he doesn't smite us both.

Glad we had a whole half of football to hit the last leg. Then it didn't hit. Congrats on your two TD's though Mark Andrews, SCUMBAG!

Same Game Parlay (+538)

• Derrick Henry ATD ❌

• Jaylen Waddle 40+ receiving yards ✅

• Justice Hill 2+ receptions ✅

• Ravens alternate spread (-13.5) ✅

❌ Lost $100.00

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