.png)
The contenders and pretenders according to our resident quarterback expert.
Editor’s Note: I caught up with my Uncle Jack on his way home from the National Association of Black Journalists Conference afterparty and asked him to rank the NFL starting quarterbacks heading into the 2024 season. Here are his unfiltered opinions on the AFC's signal callers. Check out the NFC rankings here.
The Contenders
These guys are like a trip to the Hometown Buffet. They have everything! The only problem is that the AFC is overloaded with delicious hunks of protein and you can't decide what to eat so you have a little bit of everything and then have to reach for the Imodium.
1. T.J. Shroud (HOU)
Three things I like about him:
Looks: Biceps bigger than Matt's head and a tattoo of Reagan right on his ass
Brains: IQ of 168 and can solve a Rubik's Cube blindfolded with one hand while folding Nico Collins' laundry with the other
Heroics: Amazing game winning drives like this one, always gets his bonus in Yahtzee, and emergency landed the team's Boeing 737 Max on the way home from winning the AFC South
What he needs to win it all:
He's already won my heart with his grit and patriotism.
Favorite memory from last season:
Setting the rookie record for most passing yards in a game (470) against the Bucs and/or absolutely clobbering Joe Falco in the Wild Card Round.
Things he hopes we forget:
Fainting when Tank Dell broke his leg.
2. Patrick Mahoney (KC)
Three things I like about him:
His dad refuses to drink anything besides Coors Light (even water)
Dragged a collection of young adult novel-reading, gluten free pizza-eating, The Notebook on DVD-owning bozo wide receivers to a Super Bowl title
Says the Lord's Prayer on the field before every game but says "big dawg be thy name" instead
What he needs to win it all:
Taranis the Shaman to keep cursing Kyle Shanananahan forever. Also a haircut couldn't hurt, son. You don't want people thinking your some kind of hippie like my son Colin.
Favorite memory from last season:
The afterparty following the "Taylor Swift Game" — a 41-10 beatdown of the Chicago Bears where he threw for 3 touchdowns and then sang Post Malone's parts in a "Fortnight" duet with Mother herself in his Kermit the Frog voice. Oh yeah, and winning the Super Bowl in overtime was cool too.
Things he hopes we forget:
That his brother exists. That Kadarius Toney exists. That his wife makes him attend semi-pro women's soccer matches all offseason long.
3. Lavar Jackson (BAL)
Three things I like about him:
Runs faster than Hillary Clinton's IT consultant at the Benghazi hearings
Has muscular calves bigger than AOC's teeth when she's shouting through a megaphone at a Occupy Wall Street protest
Bigger dual threat than Hunter Biden's glove compartment on a road trip to Vegas
What he needs to win it all:
Vitamin C.
Favorite memory from last season:
Winning the MVP after taking a giant deuce in Bill Purdy's stocking on Christmas Day.
Things he hopes we forget:
Has an immune system slower than Joe Biden trying to remember the Amtrak schedule with a teleprompter stuck to his rear end. His AFC Championship loss was more frustrating than brushing you're teeth with you're left hand.
4. Kyle Allen (BUF)
Three things I like about him:
Loves to get liquored up, put ranch on his pizza, and watch the UFC with his boys
Let Kane choke slam him through a table in an Orchard Park parking lot
Bought Sean McDermott a blacklight poster from Spencer's Gifts as a Christmas present
What he needs to win it all:
Stop throwing red zone interceptions once a game like a horse's rear end. Also it would probably help if Andy Reid just went ahead and ate the Chiefs.
Favorite memory from last season:
Matt, can you embalm the video of his 3rd & 13 scramble to win the AFC East? Uncle Jackie made a lot of Abraham Lincolns on that one.
Things he hopes we forget:
Whenever he sees that their are 13 seconds left on the clock he poops a little.
Pretenders
These guys are like grabbing a slice of pizza in Yakima, WA. The sauce is too sweet and the crust is soggy, but it's still pizza. Your never going to complain too much about pizza. It's just not taking you to the Super Bowl. Or the toilet bowl. Too much cheese.
5. Joe Burroughs (CIN)
Something cool he did once:
He's the only quarterback other than Patrick Mahomes to win the AFC in the last five seasons.
Something dumb he did once:
I can think of a few things. Let's start with his haircut. My son Colin bleached his hair like that after listening to way too much of that M&M music on the bus to middle school back in 1999. I made him sleep outside in the shed until his roots grew back to there natural color. And I'll tell you, I'd do it again if he decided to wear a backless tuxedo to a classy event like Breezy Burroughs did at Paris Fashion Week. What in tarnation is the starting quarterback of an American football team doing at Paris Fashion Week? The only stinky cheese he should be focused on is the kind on top of those morons' heads in Green Bay.
What he needs to take the next step:
He could start by throwing the football. I heard on my radio programs that he hasn't even taken snaps two days in a row yet. I had a full head of hair the last time this guy played a month straight without getting a boo boo.
6. Jason Herbert (LAC)
Something cool he did once:
Hired the Oregon Ducks mascot to pose as the Chargers' team doctor and stab Tyrone Taylor in the lung. As a result, he captured the starting role and never looked back. It was the start of an illustrious career where he went (checks notes) 30-32 in the regular season and 0-1 in the playoffs (including a 27-point blown lead to Jacksonville). I think I need to re-do these rankings.
Something dumb he did once:
Listened to a single word Brandon Staley said.
What he needs to take the next step:
I don't know. Talk to me when this "phenom" actually has a winning record in the league. He has Jabroni Harbaugh coaching him now, so I hope he's proficient at handing the ball off.
7. Tua Tagovailoa (MIA)
Something cool he did once:
Vaped with Mike McDonald at a Doobie Brothers concert in South Beach, got onstage and sang background vocals on "I Keep Forgettin'". Rasheed Mostert tried to point out the irony of that song title to his severely concussed quarterback, but Tua was busy trying to figure out why his head coach suddenly had white hair and a goatee.
Something dumb he did once:
Got his brains turned into scrambled eggs, forcing Skylar Johnson to start a playoff game for the Dolphins.
What he needs to take the next step:
Don't get hurt and throw it to Tyreek.
8. Fred Rodgers (NYJ)
Something cool he did once:
Gave the Jets fans hope for like half of a drive before passing the reigns to Crap Wilson, Trevor Semen, and Tim Boils. If that wasn't the funniest and Jetsiest thing that ever happened, then I look forward to seeing what he has up his sleeve this year.
Something dumb he did once:
His own research.
What he needs to take the next step:
An achilles that doesn't look like the shredded scraps of vaccine trial paperwork in Anthony Fauci's wastepaper basket.
Offenders
These guys would probably invite you over to they're house for a drink and only have White Claws in the fridge. Their cutting carbs so there going to subject you to drinking alcoholic public pool water. I'm looking at you, Matt!
9. DeSean Watson (CLE)
Favorite off-day activity:
Tying a washcloth around his waste and free balling it at the Jade Tree Body Studio in a sketchy Cuyahoga County strip mall.
Favorite food:
Jimmy Haslam's wallet.
Why he isn't higher on the list:
Ronald Reagan believed massages and creepy touching are un-American. No thanks!
What my wife Susie thinks he does for a living:
Nighttime toll booth operator.
10. Travis Lawrence (JAX)
Favorite off-day activity:
Working out at the AEW's training facility, where just last week he placed Trevor Etienne in a figure-four leg lock for fumbling a handoff. His svelte frame and muscular triceps give him formidable command of complex submission holds.
Favorite food:
Moules frites.
Why he isn't higher on the list:
Despite a thrilling opening round victory in the 2022 King of the Ring Tournament, he still hasn't established himself enough to carry a main event. His mic skills still need work, his gimmick is a bit uninspired, and his in-ring pacing suffers against more agile opponents. Dave Meltzer isn't a fan.
What my wife Susie thinks he does for a living:
Pro wrestler named Lank or Jolt or something like that.
11. Anthony Richards (IND)
Favorite off-day activity:
Grabbing a coffee and The Wall Street Journal, then heading to his favorite bench along the Monon Trail to feed the pigeons.
Favorite food:
Alligator soup.
Why he isn't higher on the list:
He's only thrown 84 passes in his career. I think we need to see at least triple digits before bumping him up. To be fair, he did score 18 fantasy points in 6 minutes against the Texans last year. So maybe he doesn't need that many reps to be effective. You know who else doesn't need a lot of reps to be effective? Tony from the plant. That guy has the lowest scrap rate and highest throughput on the entire line. It's a shame what that bastard Jared Goof did to his niece.
What my wife Susie thinks he does for a living:
Chef de cuisine at one of those newfangled restaurants where they give you edible dirt to eat with tweezers, wine that tastes like B.O., and a check that forces you to sell you're Cutlass to the hooligan across the street.
12. Russell Wislon (PIT)
Favorite off-day activity:
He wears eye black to the beach and does shirtless high knees in front of kids building sandcastles. Total weirdo.
Favorite food:
When he first got to Denver, he ordered twelve dozen a gold-encrusted truffle-infused Dungeness crabs to be flown in from the Puget Sound. His offensive line was shocked to find him chowing down in the locker room wearing nothing but a plastic bib and his trademarked eye black. He didn't share a single claw with any of his teammates, licked his fingers clean, and said, "Let's ride".
Why he isn't higher on the list:
The Broncos hated him so much that they paid $85 million for him to go away. He'll sure be able to buy a lot of plastic beach toys and eye black with that much cash! Speaking of people that got paid by high profile corporations to go away, what's up Joe Biden?
What my wife Susie thinks he does for a living:
Runs a multilevel marketing scheme involving supplements.
Surrenders
These guys ask for a vagan menu at the chophouse.
13. Jacoby Brisket (NE)
Three things I hate about him:
Did an Inception to Andrew Luck to make him quit football
Negotiates his own contracts (bad for job creation)
Name makes me hungry but Susie won't let me have red meat anymore (high cholesterol)
What he reminds me of:
Deflategate.
Worst thing he did last season:
Came in to relieve Sam Howell twice (Week 15 and Week 16) and was lukewarm. Got tapped to be the Week 17 starter, but hurt his hamstring on the trampoline in Ron Rivera's backyard before the game. Finished the year with 0 starts and 18 completions.
14. Will Elvis (TEN)
Three things I hate about him:
Disrespectful for a guy named Elvis to play in Tennessee
Takes more sacks than a Walmart cashier on Black Friday
Bicep tattoo suggests poor decision making
What he reminds me of:
I'm not entirely sure who he is or what he looks like, so it's hard for me to say.
Worst thing he did last season:
His road win at the Dolphins on Monday Night Football late in the year cost ol' Uncle Jackie a few Abraham Lincolns if ya know what I mean.
15. Garfield Minshew (LVR)
Three things I hate about him:
Has mustache style that suggests socialist beliefs
Dresses like Freddie Mercury ("Bohemian Rhapsody" is an overrated song)
Definitely on a vagan diet
What he reminds me of:
Someone who likes art, clove cigarettes, and wears cologne.
Worst thing he did last season:
Invested in Antonio Pierce's car dealerships.
16. Bo Nixon (DEN)
Three things I hate about him:
Can't spell "bozo" without "bo"
Lets Sean Payton slap him on the rear end too much
Doesn't ever throw the ball more than 3 yards (snore)
What he reminds me of:
That I don't need to watch every NFL football game. When Susie is hounding me to rake the leaves, the yard will look extra spiffy when the Broncos are on.
Worst thing he did last season:
I don't know. Probably lost in the Big Al's Discount Taxidermy Bowl or some crud like that.