The Grandfather Paradox

Why is no one asking questions about the mysterious wormhole in Butler, PA?

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Stop it. How dare you?

You're all wrong. The real conspiracy here is stranger than fiction.

The grandfather paradox is a time travel paradox that questions the logical consistency of altering past events. It occurs when a time traveler goes back in time and kills their grandfather before their parent is conceived, which would prevent the traveler's birth. This creates a contradiction: if the traveler was never born, how could they have gone back in time to kill their grandfather? This paradox highlights the potential contradictions involved in changing past events.

In the year 2145, humanity had taken a turn for the bizarre. Hovering Cybertrucks zoomed through the skies, their autopilots programmed by ChatGPT Prompt Engineers (now the highest-paying job on the planet). People communicated exclusively through DMs on Truth Social, a platform that had somehow become the sole means of communication worldwide after Elon Musk bought it for $80 billion and merged it with X. Physical books were a distant memory, their last embers extinguished in the backyard of the DeVos Estate during the Great Bonfire of 2098. Global temperatures rose dramatically and extreme weather events occurred hourly, as even the most intelligent Alternative Facts majors at Trump University had not been able to solve the climate crisis, despite their best attempts to shoot the sun with giant AR-15's. The fifth term of the Trump-Putin regime had occupied China in 2055, and following its induction into statehood 20 years later, most of it was repurposed into a 3.7 million mile wide microchip processing plant.

The world was an unsettling blend of high-tech sports gambling websites, Bravo TV shows, and authoritarian control. The Magnificent Assembly of Global Autocrats (MAGA) ruled with a digital fist, their decrees enforced by an army of spy drones and robotic enforcers masquerading as fast food delivery vehicles. Most citizens didn't dare to look away from their placating stream of vertical videos for fear of witnessing the crumbling hellscape around them. Critical thinking was punishable by death and monitored 24/7 by Neuralink. Pregnancy was allowed only if expressly permitted by Pope Kavanaugh IX.

Historians and scientists had long pinpointed the start of this dystopian nightmare: the early 21st century, specifically the resurgence of Donald Trump in the 2024 election.

Inspired by a contraband copy of Stephen King's 11/22/63 and desperate to alter their grim reality, the Resistance, led by Dr. Chronos Ocasio-Cortez, built a time machine. Their mission: send an operative back to the summer of 2024 to prevent Trump from winning a second term. An eccentric and mysterious Space Force agent known only as "Timewalker" was chosen for the task. Known for his unorthodox methods and witty one-liners, Timewalker was the best hope for the crumbling republic.

Timewalker's first plan of action was to travel back to 2024. On the night of the first presidential debate, he was to give Biden the optimal answers ahead of time, ensuring a clear victory. Disguised as a campaign aide, he managed to get close to Biden. However, his sudden appearance and prophetic responses startled the incumbent president, throwing him into an incoherent stupor. To make matters worse, Timewalker unknowingly carried a mutated variant of the coronavirus, Covid 145, that infected Biden and caused his voice to sound hoarse and weak during the debate. Trump capitalized on Biden’s weakened state, mocking his performance and gaining momentum in the polls.

Determined to redeem his failed attempt, Timewalker headed to the warm climate of Florida to recover from his illness. Once he was back on his feet, he decided to preserve 21st century knowledge for future generations by buying a single copy of every book from a Barnes & Noble in West Palm Beach and locking them all in an underground vault. During this operation, he began gagging uncontrollably at the self-congratulatory schlock in Hillbilly Elegy and accidentally dropped his copy out of the truck. The book was found by Donald Trump on the golf course at Mar-a-Lago. Trump, unable to comprehend the story but amused by the title, tapped its author as his Vice Presidential nominee and eventual captain of the Project 2025 movement that dealt progressivism its eventual deadly blow.

Much like Kirk McCready at a blackjack table, Timewalker's last resort was a desperate, high-stakes gamble: travel to Butler, Pennsylvania, and attempt a daring assassination. As he boarded his flight from Florida, the universe sensed his plan to meddle with time and conspired against him. The "he's not real" plane lady, attuned to the cosmic interference Timewalker radiated, erupted in a fit of hysteria, delaying the flight. Then, as if on cue, Boeing's shoddy craftsmanship revealed itself — bolts started to loosen and fall, culminating in the exit door blowing off into the sky. The final blow came from Delta's tainted meals, leaving the passengers incapacitated and forcing the plane to turn around for an emergency landing. The universe was fighting back with everything it had, determined to keep history on its intended path.

Plane ride thwarted, Timewalker rented a car and began his frantic drive north on I-95. The universe wasn’t done with him yet. As he approached the Francis Scott Key Bridge, it collapsed, forcing him onto a long, agonizing detour. His journey grew more perilous when Rudy Giuliani, in a drunken stupor, caused a major traffic accident outside a Hell's Kitchen massage parlor, delaying Timewalker further. Just when he thought it couldn’t get worse, he narrowly escaped a black hole time loop — an anomaly created in 2017 by Trump's circular, never-delivered promise of Infrastructure Week. The gravitational pull almost swallowed him whole, but he managed to break free, emerging breathless and determined at the Butler Fairgrounds, ready to complete his mission.

Timewalker and the universe's natural order were now in a relentless battle of wills. As he attempted to enter the fairgrounds, he was interrupted by Mike Lindell, bankrupt and babbling, panhandling loose change into a MyPillow pillowcase. The distraction set him back, and just as he tried to regain his focus, a flock of pigeons, irresistibly drawn to Trump’s hairstyle, swarmed the concourse, causing rally goers to scatter in all directions. The ensuing pandemonium made it nearly impossible to find a suitable location to execute his mission. Finally, after narrowly avoiding a nasty collision with Roger Stone as he sprinted away from a pursuing squad of IRS agents, he spotted a ladder leading to a rooftop with a strategic vantage point. Determined, he climbed, knowing this was his last chance to change the future.

As Timewalker scaled the building, Hurricane Beryl, summoned by the vengeful universe, whipped up wild winds that violently rocked the ladder beneath him. He had to dodge leftover prototypes from Trump’s “unclimbable” border wall, which were being stored in the building for auction at that evening’s campaign fundraiser. After nearly slipping in a puddle of Marjorie Taylor Greene’s forehead grease, he finally settled onto the rooftop. Heart pounding, he aimed his weapon, ready to alter the course of history despite the universe's desperate attempts to thwart him.

Unfortunately for Timewalker, the Grandfather Paradox always wins. As he fired his shot, Chris Christie's phone made an audible ding in the rally crowd, notifying him of a new email from Hillary Clinton. It was an exclusive invitation to join her, Hulk Hogan, and Hunter Biden at a cocaine-fueled "birthday party" in the basement of a pizza joint behind the Four Seasons. Hearing the noise, Trump suddenly turned his head to chastise his favorite former debate coach. That slight shift in position was enough to send the bullet deflecting off of Trump's ear, leaving him alive and mostly unharmed.

Approximately 750 miles to the south, in Fayette County, Georgia, Evander Holyfield felt a strange tickle as history's outlandish recurring plot points sent a ripple through spacetime.

Timewalker was abruptly neutralized by the Secret Service, thwarting the Resistance's last hope of preserving democracy. Back in 2145, Chronos Ocasio-Cortez watched in horror as all traces of Timewalker's existence vanished before her eyes. He faded from photographs, his file vanished from HR's filing cabinet, and old Truth Social DMs from him disappeared from her inbox without a trace. His personal effects evaporated from his desk — all except for one mysterious book locked away in the bottom drawer.

Chronos carefully picked up the ancient artifact and examined its peculiar title.

The Art of the Deal.

The universe had reset itself, ensuring its paradoxical balance, but left behind a cryptic reminder of the man who dared to challenge it.