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Our resident quarterback expert ranks the 14 playoff signal callers.
Editor’s Note: I once again made the questionable decision to ask my Uncle Jack — a man whose opinions are as unfiltered as his coffee and twice as bitter — to rank the 14 playoff quarterbacks heading into Wild Card Weekend. Here's what he sent back, give or take a few iffy references to 1950's pop culture and dubious claims about government surveillance operations.
1. TJ Shroud (HOU)
Why he is the best:
Interrupted a Karmela Harris rally at the Texas statehouse, tore off Beto O'Rourke's ulnar ligament in an arm wrestling match, and used it to beat a CVS shoplifter over the head until he relinquished his stolen shampoo. After that he decided he'd go ahead and win the AFC South even though all his feeble receivers were in the hospital all year.
Favorite memory from this season:
Connecting on a 67-yard bomb to Nico Collins and beating the media darling Buffalo Bills in Week 5.
Off-season vacation destination:
The Grand Canyon.
Favorite book:
The Constitution of the United States by the Founding Fathers. Ever heard of it?
Things he hopes we forget:
Losing 31-2 to the Ravens on Christmas Day. That's what these jabronis get for streamering Netflix games on Jesus's birthday for chrissakes.
How far will he go:
To the Oval Office if I have anything to say about it!
2. Jason Daniels (WAS)
Why he is the best:
Runs fast, throws far, and has enough athleticism to get my wife Susie to look up from her Suduku puzzles for a few seconds. She even raised her eyebrow once when he completed a sidearm pass. It made me feel young again!
Favorite memory from this season:
Throwing a Hail Mary that caused the entire city of Chicago to do problem drinking all Sunday evening.
Off-season vacation destination:
Universal Studios Islands of Adventure. He digs the Jurassic Park ride.
Favorite book:
A Million Little Pieces by James Frey.
Things he hopes we forget:
That he was a 2-point conversion away from losing to Spencer Rattler.
How far will he go:
Depends on how many beers Blake Mayfield funnels the night before there matchup.
3. Patrick Mahoney (KC)
Why he is one of the best:
Three-time Super Bowl champion, going for a three-peat. Not many people could drag the collection of no name receivers and practice squad domestic abuser running backs to another division championship, but Patrick did it... again.
Favorite memory from this season:
Dramatic overtime win against Tampa on Monday Night Football.
Off-season vacation destination:
He sleeps on one of those giant flamingo pool floaties at Taylor Swift's Rhode Island mansion.
Favorite book:
Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak.
Things he hopes we forget:
That his dad refuses to drive sober, his brother is a jackass, and his wife makes everyone cringe.
How far will he go:
Probably will win it all again. Like 24-21. He'll have 262 yards, 2 touchdowns, and a pick. He'll also win the MVP because reasons.
4. Lavar Jackson (BAL)
Why he is one of the best:
Nobody is a better a dual-threat QB in the league (unless you count the threats Danny DeVito's "familia" makes to local pizza joints).
Favorite memory from this season:
Beating the Bucs back in October with 281 yards passing, 52 more on the ground, and 5 touchdowns. Didn't even have a runny nose!
Off-season vacation destination:
Wuhan Province.
Favorite book:
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince by J.K. Rowling. He was so sad about Dumbledore that he cried himself to sleep for a week.
Things he hopes we forget:
Doing dick-all against the Chiefs last year in the AFC Championship game.
How far will he go:
Probably to the walk-in clinic for an acute respiratory infection.
5. Kyle Allen (BUF)
Why he isn't higher on the list:
Mainly because the Bills are cursed and will never win anything.
Best on-field accomplishment this season:
Becoming the first player in NFL history to throw for 3 touchdowns and rush for 3 touchdowns in the same game. You'd think he would have won that game, right? Well... he didn't. Moron.
Best off-field accomplishment this season:
Split a 30 rack of Labatt with his buddy Eamon, played one of those shooting games on his Nintendo, and housed two slices of Ranch-slathered pepperoni pizza.
What he needs to win it all:
Mahoney to keep throwing interceptions every other drive.
Favorite hobby:
Playing KanJam on the shores of Lake Erie.
6. Blake Mayfield (TB)
Why he isn't higher on the list:
Because he's Blake Mayfield.
Best on-field accomplishment this season:
Dropped 359 yards and 5 touchdowns on the Panthers in Week 17.
Best off-field accomplishment this season:
One day after practice, he snapped a towel at Bucky Irving so hard it made his bunghole bleed.
What he needs to win it all:
The AFC to secede from the league or something.
Favorite hobby:
Tantric sex.
7. Matthew Stratford (LAR)
Why he isn't higher on the list:
He's older than my nephew Matt and his back is held together by pipe cleaners and Elmer's glue.
Best on-field accomplishment this season:
Becoming the first quarterback in NFL history to win a game in which the opposing quarterback threw for 3 touchdowns and rushed for 3 touchdowns in the same game.
Best off-field accomplishment this season:
Blinded a pedestrian when the sun reflected off of his teeth. That boy has quite the set of pearly whites on him.
What he needs to win it all:
Probably a time machine.
Favorite hobby:
Parasailing with Sean McVay in Mexico.
8. Jared Hertz (PHI)
Why I'm not quite buying it:
I'm just not and you can't make me!
Something mediocre he did once:
Told everybody he liked Pat's and Geno's the same.
Favorite food:
Can't decide.
Things he hopes we forget:
Going 1-5 down the stretch last year and breaking his finger while attempting to shove it up Nick Siragami's rear end, then losing to Blake Mayfield in the first round of the playoffs. His fumble-six in Super Bowl LVII was the most embarrassing thing to happen in Glendale since Matt ordered a boulevardier at the Talking Stick casino.
How far will he go:
1 yard (that fruity little tush push is unstoppable).
9. Justin Harold (LAC)
Why I'm not quite buying it:
The Chargers like to Charger.
Something mediocre he did once:
Met someone at an autograph session from the same general area as his hometown and they each spent 20 minutes naming random people until they found someone both of them knew, then Justin was like, "Oh yeah he's a great guy", and then that was kind of it.
Favorite food:
Smoked salmon tartare with potato rosti, pickled shallot, and dill emulsion.
Things he hopes we forget:
Blowing a 27-0 lead to Butters Pederson in the playoffs.
How far will he go:
Second round tops.
10. Jeremiah Love (GB)
Why I'm not quite buying it:
I called him a blank sheet of computer paper after last year's Week 5 loss to the rudderless Raiders where he coughed up 3 interceptions in a 16-for-30 passing performance for the ages. He also lost to Danny DeVito in primetime and still got a $220 million contract. Color me unimpressed!
Something mediocre he did once:
Completed an internship at the Hammermill plant.
Favorite food:
Fish en Papillote.
Things he hopes we forget:
The whole Brazil thing that somehow happened this season even though it feels like I still had hair when they played that game.
How far will he go:
Up to the top of the tallest indoor waterslide in Wisconsin Dells.
11. Bo Nixon (DEN)
Why I'm not quite buying it:
I'm not buying anything from a man named Bo.
Something mediocre he did once:
Went 10-7 in his rookie year.
Favorite food:
Boiled potatoes with butter.
Things he hopes we forget:
That he somehow won a game in which he only had 60 yards passing. He owes Aaron Rodgers a shot of toad venom.
How far will he go:
The Bills Mafia might let him jump through a table on his way out of town.
12. Russell Wislon (PIT)
Why he is one of the worst:
He wears eye black to the beach and does shirtless high knees in front of kids building sandcastles. Total weirdo.
Favorite memory from this season:
Passing for over 400 yards for just the third time in his career and first time since 2019 in a win against the Bengals.
Something that annoys him:
Genuine human expressions.
Things he hopes we forget:
When he first got to Pittsburgh, he ordered twelve dozen a gold-encrusted truffle-infused Dungeness crabs to be flown in from the Puget Sound. His offensive line was shocked to find him chowing down in the locker room wearing nothing but a plastic bib and his trademarked eye black. He didn't share a single claw with any of his teammates, licked his fingers clean, and said, "Let's ride".
How far will he go:
It depends on whether or not Lavar Jackson remembers to take his Vitamin C pills.
13. Kevin Arnold (MIN)
Why he is one of the worst:
Too much of a beta to close the deal with Winnie Cooper.
Favorite memory from this season:
347 yards and 5 touchdowns in an absolute beatdown of the Falcons.
Something that annoys him:
His brother Wayne always barges into the bathroom when he's trying to brush his teeth.
Things he hopes we forget:
His whole tenure with the Jets.
How far will he go:
Might steal a game or two because his coach will bore the other team to death by giving them unsolicited crypto advice.
14. Jared Goof (DET)
Why he is the worst:
He cyber bullied my friend Tony from the plant's niece so bad that she had to drop out of Cal and go to cosmetology school. Now she cries every time she has to give a manicure to someone with small hands. She's so traumatized that she'll only get on the internet to log into her Better Help account, but deleted all the other apps and stuff.
Favorite memory from this season:
Throwing five interceptions, putting some lead in my pencil, and then somehow still winning the game. Moron.
Something that annoys him:
Common decency.
Things he hopes we forget:
Used the word "literally" when he really meant "figuratively"
Put a profile picture of himself holding a fish
Created a fake Tinder profile for Tony from the plant's niece that said she was looking for someone to help her collect rare toenail clippings
Hacked Tony from the plant's niece's BetterHelp account and changed her virtual background to a stock image of a port-a-potty for her online therapy appointment
Started his own Etsy store
Voted for Jill Stein
Finished his popcorn during the previews
Answered a phone call by saying, "Go for Jared"
Logged into Tony from the plant's niece's fantasy lineup and started all Giants
Went to Guitar Center and played "Stairway to Heaven"
Started a podcast
Sent fake wedding invitations from Tony from the plant's niece's Paperless Post account, claiming she was getting married to the love of her life — a ferret
Backed up into Amon-Ra St. Brown's moped and scratched it
Posted an ad on Craiglist that said to call Tony from the plant's niece's phone number for free skin flute lessons
Got into Tony from the plant's niece's Pinterest account and created a board called “Fashion Ideas for Big Feet” and pinned clown shoes and orthopedic sandals
Set up a GoFundMe account for Tony from the plant's niece that was called "Help Me Overcome My Fear of Soap"
Forgot to wipe many times
Spilled Dan Campbell's desk scotch
Changed the main photo on the sperm whale Wikipedia page to Tony from the plant's niece's senior portrait
Didn't "get" Moo Deng
Filmed a YouTube video about his morning routine
Hacked into Tony from the plant's niece's LinkedIn account (again) and gave her a promotion at Imodium Labs from Lead Diarrhea Researcher to Regional Vice President of Diarrhea
Thought a non-alcoholic IPA was "surprisingly decent"
Had multiple questions at the drive-thru pharmacy window
Had a stupid little face
Stretched out his scrotum, took pictures of it, and emailed them to my friend Tony from the plant's niece with the caption "check out my batwing"
Cyberbullied my friend Tony from the plant's niece so badly that she dropped out of Cal and went to cosmetology school
Made it so Tony from the plant's niece cried every time she had to give a manicure to someone with small hands
Enthusiastically bought the utilities in Monopoly
Had a stupid little face
Didn't pay attention in the TSA line and wouldn't move up until someone passive-aggressively cleared they're throat
Loved the Lumineers
Brought his dog to CVS
Stunk at playing in the rain because his tiny little hands couldn't grip the ball
Photoshopped a picture of Tony from the plant's niece's head onto an orangutan's body and emailed it to everyone with an @berkeley.edu email address
Wasn't a good bass player
Hacked into Tony from the plant's niece's professor's email account, sent her an email that said "click here for you're homework assignment," but it was actually a link to the "2 Girls 1 Cup" video
Farted constantly at practice
Asked people if they were working hard or hardly working
Put up a fake ad on Craigslist pretending to be a proctology student, offering $5 for photos of people's rear ends for "study purposes," and listed Tony from the plant's niece's email, resulting in her receiving thousands of inappropriate pictures and being flagged by her university's IT department
Ate a lot of deviled eggs and breathed on people
Asked at least three questions about the menu before ordering anything
Created a fake LinkedIn profile for Tony from the plant's niece, naming her Lead Diarrhea Researcher at Imodium Labs
Subscribed Tony from the plant's niece to iHeart Radio's e-newsletter
Never stopped talking about the half marathon he was training for
Gave people sourdough starter as a gift
Made his AIM screen name GoffinAround69 and sent "ur ugly" to Tony from the plant's niece every 45 minutes for six months
Stole the tiny shampoo bottles from hotels and collected them
Was the original Nigerian Prince email scammer
Uncle Jack's Picks
Can I do this too? It looked cool when you and you're tall friend did it.
Texans adjusted line -14.5 | $10.00 to win $87.00
T.J. Shroud over 1.5 touchdowns | $10.00 to win $15.40
Texans highest scoring team of Wild Card Round | $10.00 to win $220.00
Ravens to beat Steelers in overtime | $10.00 to win $300.00 Bo Nix to throw an interception | $10.00 to win $6.41
Josh Allen over 31.5 pass attempts | $10.00 to win $7.81 Under 45.5 points in the Packers vs. Eagles game | $10.00 to win $9.09 Jayden Daniels over 48.5 rushing yards | $10.00 to win $8.77
Jayden Daniels to score 2+ rushing touchdowns | $10.00 to win $140.00 Rams moneyline | $10.00 to win $12.60