Oddball: Week 14 NFL Recap

Dec 11, 20245 min read

Kirk's heater continues and Matt appears Ithaca bound. I guess he better get some snow tires.

Oddball is our weekly NFL gambling competition where we each get $100 every week and try to outdo each other. The loser has to drive to the State Diner in Ithaca, NY and eat a bowl of chicken and rice soup alone. Let's take a look at how we did this week!

Matt's Picks

$381.00 wagered $45.00 lost -$123.52 for the season

Things are bleak.

Dolphins -5.5

Straight Up ATS (-112)

The Dolphins squeaked this one out in overtime. And while to some it might seem like the Jets are a bit better than we've given them credit for, I disagree. The Dolphins straight up suck. Their defense has no interest in tackling anyone. Tua was inexplicably throwing the ball backwards a concerning amount. They just look like crap. The fact that the Jets couldn't ultimately steal this one was pretty lucky. Bad pick on a bad team that I somehow got away with.

✅ Won $80.00

Bears +4.0

Straight Up ATS (-110)

Speaking of a bad pick on a bad team, holy moly. The Bears were down by three touchdowns before I could even get my alcoholic beverage of choice out of the fridge. Honestly, I can't do much of a recap on this one. It was SO OVER so fast that I didn't really watch it. I flipped over to that dopamine rush of a Bills/Rams game. So let's ignore the shitty Bears and this lost bet and remember that I have the Rams at +390 to win their division and it has fallen all the way to +160. A small silver lining.

❌ Lost $88.00

Cowboys +5.5

Straight Up ATS (-108)

Fire this fucking team into the fucking sun. I hate them so much. I stayed up too late watching the end of this on Monday Night Football and my rage hasn't abated since. I'm not going to break it down. I refuse. I'll let this guy @dr.locks.md do the honors:

Be back in a bit, I need to go throw up.

❌ Lost $86.40

Moneyline Parlay (-108)

Buccaneers ✅ Vikings ✅

Am I really going to get suckered into betting on Baker Mayfield and Sam Darnold in the playoffs this year? Man, the NFC is quite suspect. Let's recap what my Uncle Jack had to say about both of these guys in his midseason quarterback rankings.

10. Blake Mayfield (TB) Why I'm not buying it yet: He's still the same guy that shot a nationally-televised commercial for Progressive Insurance with the slogan "Protect You're House", and promptly quarterbacked the Cleveland Browns to an 0-3 start at home. Something mediocre he did once: On March 25, 2022, he managed to toast a sesame bagel to golden perfection without any burned bits or spilled seeds on the counter. Favorite hobby: Tantric sex. 25. Kevin Arnold (MIN) Worst on-field performance this season: Three picks and zero touchdowns against the destitute Jacksonville Jaguars. He still managed to win, thanks to his kicker making four field goals in a 12-7 final score. How is this a playoff team? Worst off-field performance this season: Threw up on the rollercoaster at the Mall of America. What my son Colin thinks he does for a living: Business Development Representative at a software company.

✅ Won $80.00

WTF Parlay (+269)

Jaguars +3.0 ✅ Cowboys/Bengals Over 49.5 ❌

I deserve what I got in this one. Mainly for forcing myself to watch the entire Jags/Titans snooze fest in which 19 total points were scored. Honestly, the NFL should consider most of the AFC South for relegation. But that wasn't the problem. The problem was the stupid Cowboys and Bengals who put up 27 points in the first half, got my hopes up, and then took turns dumping all over the field in the second half. I missed the over by a field goal. It was cool of Cooper Rush to throw a pick on the Cincy 12 yard line and also get sacked for negative a million yards on the last drive of the game. Maybe he wants to come to Ithaca with me.

❌ Lost $30.60

Kirk's Picks

$527.72 wagered $444.39 won +$861.27 for the season

Another solid win in the books without too much fuss. The lack of fuss is probably because I was actually being a good father for once and was playing football and whiffle ball with my kid outdoors during most of the 1PM slate.

While I love football, I can admit that I may get a little animated watching teams that I've placed money on. With fatherhood getting in the way this week I didn't have any of that anger or moments such as "these fucking guys are trying to screw me, they're out to fucking dump on my chest!".

There is only one Kirk (-114)

Vikings -5.5

There was never a doubt in this game! Never a moment when the score was tied at 21.

Aside from the lies above the end result of this match was Vikings 42 - Dead Birds 21. That tells you that my feelings for the pick actually panned out, it just took until the 3rd quarter for that to happen. Kirk Cousins had another awful pair of interceptions, and Sam Darnold did invigorate this Vikings offense in a big way.

Sure a couple of the TD passes were on totally, embarrasingly blow coverages, but hey, those were only 2 of 5 TD's Sammy Boy had on the day.

I will now refer to The D as Sammy Boy going forward as it's more wholesome and I after my man crush on Baker Mayfield he's next up (problematic to call him The D).

✅ Won $287.47

Anytime TD Score (+120)

A.J. Brown

Against my best efforts this year it finally happened. I put my black magic stink on the Birds and have caused national media attention to circle them.

A.J. Brown not only didn't get a TD, he was barely targeted.

After the game it was CONFIRMED by sources that he and Jalen Hurts are no longer friends. The passing game is a PROBLEM.

Unfortunately I can not pay Taranis any more funds as I've effectively tapped out my bank account having him hex the 49ers into oblivion.

Oh well, can't win them all!

❌ Lost $100.00

Straight Up ATS Parlay (+256)

Bucs -6.5 ✅ Steelers -6.5 ✅

✅ Won $256.92

Bonus Bet

-$100.00 last week +$485.00 for the season

We had 3 out of 4 legs of this parlay checked off in the first half. All we needed is that dopey fuck Sam LaPorta to catch one in the end zone. Matt watched this at a work event and almost got fired for profanity. People were confused when he was rooting for the Lions to score, then suddenly rooting for them to miss a field goal to force overtime. "Gambling," he explained, "is a fickle bitch".

Any Time Touchdown Parlay (+904)

Josh Jacobs 70+ rushing yards ✅
Josh Jacobs any time touchdown scorer ✅
Sam LaPorta any time touchdown scorer ❌
Sam LaPorta 40+ receiving yards ✅